Scrumbag

Saracens use hovercraft to clear the Vicarage Road snow before their Ospreys clash...

It probably says a lot about me, but my favourite moment of the Heineken Cup weekend was a man dressed as a camel riding a hovercraft to clear some snow. Brilliantly the camel driven hovercraft cleared the snow in a jiffy, but I have so many questions about the whole thing.

1) Just who came up with this idea?

2) How did they know it was going to work?

3) Where do you get a hovercraft from at short notice?

4) How did they get it inside Vicarage Road?

5) Why does that camel wear a fez anyway?

If you know the answer to any (ANY!) of those five questions, please, please, please let me know...

Get your grubby hands on the Six Nations trophy...

What's shiny, welsh, has big ears and was recently pawed by Gavin Henson. No, no not Charlotte Church people, it's the Six Nations trophy. And do you know what, you can get your mits on the thing thanks to some nonsense the WRU are up to.

Yes, the Welsh Rugby Union has launched a new online service at www.wru.co.uk where "volunteers providing the existing and potential ‘unsung heroes’ of the game in Wales with all the information they may need to become tomorrow’s referees, coaches, stewards, ground staff or club helpers at all levels of rugby. In a bid to aid volunteer recruitment nationwide, the trophy will embark upon a two month tour throughout the summer giving the opportunity to any of the WRU’s member clubs to apply to host European Rugby’s top piece of silverware."

All clubs need to do to access the glittering prize held aloft by Wales Grand Slam Captain Ryan Jones just a few short weeks ago, is apply within the next 7 days (closing date is 5pm, 11th April 2008) through their club secretaries via an online form found at the volunteer’s section of the WRU’s website. Sounds complicated. It is. Click here for more info. You might need to print it off, scratch your head and give it a couple of reads.

Strange man dresses as Gavin Henson's daughter, then gets on a bus and starts crying...

While we all know Gavin Henson travels by train (God, it must have been at least a week since we mentioned Henson using a choo-choo as a toilet on Scrumbag) but few knew his young daughter Ruby Henson travels by bus.

Here, a strange Welsh rugby fan (named Leeps) has "dressed as Ruby Henson, AKA Gav's daughter" and got on a bus. Quite why he did this, and then felt the need to tell the world about it via YouTube I really do not know. If anyone can provide answers please, please do...

Welsh success is down to love birds Gatland and Edwards spending Valentines night together...

That Lib Dem MP and the uglier of the two Cheeky Girls - they're an odd couple. As are Danny Cipriani and the marginally better looking of the two Cheeky Girls. But no couple is odder than Wazza Gatland and his baldy babe Shaun Edwards.

Apparently the pair (neither of whom have an STD coincidentally) spent Valentines night together, and that (their biggest sacrifice for Wales) was key to winning the Six Nations in such style. While other people were out exchanging novelty cards then doing the ol' in / out / in / sigh / out / sleep, these two were discussing team tactics at a pivotal point of the campaign.

“The biggest sacrifice we had to make was Valentine’s evening," said Edwards today whilst still grinning from ear to ear. "We went to the local pub." Rubbish considering Edwards doesn't even drink! “I’m off the drink at the moment but he [Wazza] was having a pint. All these couples were gazing in each others’ eyes – and I was with him [Wazza]. Talking rugby. Those are the sorts of sacrifices you have to make.”

I wonder where Brian Ashton spent Valentines night? Down the pub with Rob Andrew? Wow, that'd be an awkward date...

Danny Cipriani is really f*cking sorry for f*cking up and f*cking saying f*ck on the BBC...

The problem live TV has compared to Scr*mbag is you can't get away with saying f*ck simply by f*cking sticking a f*cking * where the u should be. Which is why when new golden boy Danny Cupriani said f*ck d*ring Sat*rday's Six Nations coverage, many posh people spl*ttered their tea every f*cking where. They were f*rio*s.

But Danny is sorry. Have yo* got it in yo*r heart to forgive him? He did afterall drop seven goals out of seven attempts to record 18 points on his first start for England.

If yo* missed Danny's o*tb*rst, in his post-match interview, live on TV, he bl*rted out: “It was the f*cking one to eight who deserved the man of the match.”

Soon after he said: “Can I apologise for swearing on national television? I was too excited after the interview and I am very sorry for using the F-word. I had thought about the game in my head a million times and it was a dream to be there. I used to watch Iain Balshaw when I was 10 years old. Being out there playing with them was an honour for me and I should not have sworn afterwards.” Fucking right you shouldn't have!

Danny Cipriani used to date a lingerie model who plays the drums like a gorilla and was once said to have been born a man- should Ashton drop him for it?

First drinking orange juice in a nightclub at midnight and now THIS?

Just as you thought Cirpiani was back on the straight and narrow after "orange juice gate" and "starring on MTV in his pants", this comes out. Apparently Danny used to date a stunning lingerie model Larissa Summers who according to a News of The World exclusive (seemingly a hoax report) used to be a bloke. To make matters worse you can see her playing the drums like a giant ape, which is very embarrassing for 94 year old Sir Brian of Ashton who isn't used to seeing such exciting things.

Oh dear. That's a disgrace! Drop him! Drop! Him! Everyone! Panic! P! A! N! I! C!

Danny Cipriani stars on MTV in his pants - should Ashton drop him for it?

First drinking orange juice in a nightclub at midnight and now THIS? Surely Ashton has to drop him again. No? The Daily Mail have hunted down these embarrassing pictures that could make Danny "a national laughing stock" (you know what they are... like Ashton).

Just as you thought Cirpiani was back on the straight and narrow after "orange juice gate", they've dug up these pics from Danny's past. They're from Cipriani's MTV TV debut when Danny was one of a series of teenage wannabe models who stripped off to strut their stuff on the British version of hit television show My Super Sweet 16. Oh dear. An England star? In his pants? At just 16? That's a disgrace!

Drop him! Drop! Him! Everyone! Panic! P! A! N! I! C!

Big fat hairy man in Wales sums up England's Six Nations woe quite aptly...

"There's nothing happening because your Tongan is not getting the ball." Enough said. Click play for the rest of this very funny and cutting Six Nations summary...

10 "old fashioned" words for Phil Vickery to describe England's Six Nations

After probably the worst England performance since 1980, embarrassed England skipper Phil "Not the TV Chef" Vickery snarled, “Some old-fashioned words have been spoken. I only hope I get a chance to play next week because Brian will make changes." Changes? With one game left? After it's all over for England? His timing is great!!!

“All week we spoke about our plans yet we turned in that display," continued Vickery whilst tutting and shaking his head a lot. "It was not good enough. We all know how bad things were and we are hurting.”

So what I want to know is with all these "old fashioned" words being bashed around, just what words were they? Here's my guess, but please chip in with your own ideas...

1) LAME
2) COMICAL
3) KENYALIKE
4) CIPRIANILESS
5) SHIT
6) CLUELESS
7) PREDICTABLE
8) UGHGHGHGH (that's a real word)
9) IHOPEJONNYISOkHELOOKSONTHEBRINKOFGOINGPOSTAL (that's a real word in the Welsh language)
10) ASHTONY

Let me know what words you think could work...

Six Nations shit lookalikes: Naughty Danny Cipriani and a thatched cottage

Never mind all that stuff he's been up to in night clubs, what's going on with his hair? Such a bouffant barnet is usrley excuse enough to boot him out of the Six Nations? What ever happened to rugby players having either a number one or (if they're feeling dandy) a number two all over?

Strange man dresses as Gavin Henson's daughter, then gets on a bus and starts crying...

While we all know Gavin Henson travels by train (God, it must have been at least a week since we mentioned Henson using a choo-choo as a toilet on Scrumbag) but few knew his young daughter Ruby Henson travels by bus.

Here, a strange Welsh rugby fan (named Leeps) has "dressed as Ruby Henson, AKA Gav's daughter" and got on a bus. Quite why he did this, and then felt the need to tell the world about it via YouTube I really do not know. If anyone can provide answers please, please do...

Welsh success is down to love birds Gatland and Edwards spending Valentines night together...

That Lib Dem MP and the uglier of the two Cheeky Girls - they're an odd couple. As are Danny Cipriani and the marginally better looking of the two Cheeky Girls. But no couple is odder than Wazza Gatland and his baldy babe Shaun Edwards.

Apparently the pair (neither of whom have an STD coincidentally) spent Valentines night together, and that (their biggest sacrifice for Wales) was key to winning the Six Nations in such style. While other people were out exchanging novelty cards then doing the ol' in / out / in / sigh / out / sleep, these two were discussing team tactics at a pivotal point of the campaign.

“The biggest sacrifice we had to make was Valentine’s evening," said Edwards today whilst still grinning from ear to ear. "We went to the local pub." Rubbish considering Edwards doesn't even drink! “I’m off the drink at the moment but he [Wazza] was having a pint. All these couples were gazing in each others’ eyes – and I was with him [Wazza]. Talking rugby. Those are the sorts of sacrifices you have to make.”

I wonder where Brian Ashton spent Valentines night? Down the pub with Rob Andrew? Wow, that'd be an awkward date...

Danny Cipriani is really f*cking sorry for f*cking up and f*cking saying f*ck on the BBC...

The problem live TV has compared to Scr*mbag is you can't get away with saying f*ck simply by f*cking sticking a f*cking * where the u should be. Which is why when new golden boy Danny Cupriani said f*ck d*ring Sat*rday's Six Nations coverage, many posh people spl*ttered their tea every f*cking where. They were f*rio*s.

But Danny is sorry. Have yo* got it in yo*r heart to forgive him? He did afterall drop seven goals out of seven attempts to record 18 points on his first start for England.

If yo* missed Danny's o*tb*rst, in his post-match interview, live on TV, he bl*rted out: “It was the f*cking one to eight who deserved the man of the match.”

Soon after he said: “Can I apologise for swearing on national television? I was too excited after the interview and I am very sorry for using the F-word. I had thought about the game in my head a million times and it was a dream to be there. I used to watch Iain Balshaw when I was 10 years old. Being out there playing with them was an honour for me and I should not have sworn afterwards.” Fucking right you shouldn't have!

Danny Cipriani used to date a lingerie model who plays the drums like a gorilla and was once said to have been born a man- should Ashton drop him for it?

First drinking orange juice in a nightclub at midnight and now THIS?

Just as you thought Cirpiani was back on the straight and narrow after "orange juice gate" and "starring on MTV in his pants", this comes out. Apparently Danny used to date a stunning lingerie model Larissa Summers who according to a News of The World exclusive (seemingly a hoax report) used to be a bloke. To make matters worse you can see her playing the drums like a giant ape, which is very embarrassing for 94 year old Sir Brian of Ashton who isn't used to seeing such exciting things.

Oh dear. That's a disgrace! Drop him! Drop! Him! Everyone! Panic! P! A! N! I! C!

Danny Cipriani stars on MTV in his pants - should Ashton drop him for it?

First drinking orange juice in a nightclub at midnight and now THIS? Surely Ashton has to drop him again. No? The Daily Mail have hunted down these embarrassing pictures that could make Danny "a national laughing stock" (you know what they are... like Ashton).

Just as you thought Cirpiani was back on the straight and narrow after "orange juice gate", they've dug up these pics from Danny's past. They're from Cipriani's MTV TV debut when Danny was one of a series of teenage wannabe models who stripped off to strut their stuff on the British version of hit television show My Super Sweet 16. Oh dear. An England star? In his pants? At just 16? That's a disgrace!

Drop him! Drop! Him! Everyone! Panic! P! A! N! I! C!

Big fat hairy man in Wales sums up England's Six Nations woe quite aptly...

"There's nothing happening because your Tongan is not getting the ball." Enough said. Click play for the rest of this very funny and cutting Six Nations summary...

10 "old fashioned" words for Phil Vickery to describe England's Six Nations

After probably the worst England performance since 1980, embarrassed England skipper Phil "Not the TV Chef" Vickery snarled, “Some old-fashioned words have been spoken. I only hope I get a chance to play next week because Brian will make changes." Changes? With one game left? After it's all over for England? His timing is great!!!

“All week we spoke about our plans yet we turned in that display," continued Vickery whilst tutting and shaking his head a lot. "It was not good enough. We all know how bad things were and we are hurting.”

So what I want to know is with all these "old fashioned" words being bashed around, just what words were they? Here's my guess, but please chip in with your own ideas...

1) LAME
2) COMICAL
3) KENYALIKE
4) CIPRIANILESS
5) SHIT
6) CLUELESS
7) PREDICTABLE
8) UGHGHGHGH (that's a real word)
9) IHOPEJONNYISOkHELOOKSONTHEBRINKOFGOINGPOSTAL (that's a real word in the Welsh language)
10) ASHTONY

Let me know what words you think could work...

Six Nations shit lookalikes: Naughty Danny Cipriani and a thatched cottage

Never mind all that stuff he's been up to in night clubs, what's going on with his hair? Such a bouffant barnet is usrley excuse enough to boot him out of the Six Nations? What ever happened to rugby players having either a number one or (if they're feeling dandy) a number two all over?

Infrared cameras reveal who grassed on Danny Cipriani

Have we got an exclusive for you. Scrumbag's miraculous NIGHT-O-VISION® cameras can exclusively reveal just who grassed Danny Cipriani up to Brian Ashton. If you haven't heard, Cipriani has been booted out of the England squad after going to a night club last night. The original photo of Danny allegedly out on the lash is dark and inconclusive, but look at the same photo through our NIGHT-O-VISION® filter and there's a shocking revalation. Oh Jonny. No. No Jonny. Not you Jonny. I know your place is under threat, but grassing up a team mate? That's bad Jonny. Real bad.

Scotland hire comedian Franky Boyle to soften the blow of forthcoming England defeat...

Och! Ginger goggle eyed funster Frankie Boyle has been drafted in to cheer up understandably pessimistic Scotland fans for Saturday's Six Nations clash with England with a live comedy show. The extremely funny Frankie, who is best known for his appearances on BBC 2's Mock the Week, will then lead the Murrayfield crowd in a mass karaoke-style singalong. Presumably something like REM's Everybody Hurts.

Setting the mood for a lively match atmosphere, song lyrics will be shown on giant plasma screens to encourage crowd participation, interspersed with stand-up comedy. Scottish band Kilter will also be on hand after the match for a "ceilidh". Entry to the marquee is free and all adult visitors will receive a wee drab of complimentary whiksy and a beanie hat. Och indeed.