Scrumbag

England star Mike Tindall is arrested after going out drinking with The Queen's granddaughter. Hang on, I thought he had a "liver" injury?

Big bad baldy England star Mike Tindall has been nicked for drink-driving the morning after a boozy night out at the Cheltenham Racing Festival with horse faced horse fan Zara Phillips. Whoops.

Thames Valley Police confirmed that they arrested a sozzled 29-year-old Gloucestershire man on the M4 near Newbury in Berkshire at 10.55am on Saturday. The man was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving and bailed. The cops will not confirm reports that it was Tindall, who plays centre for Gloucester, who was arrested.

Tindall as not in the team for England's Six Nations win over the Irish due to an extremely nasty liver injury. Surely if you've got an injured liver you can go out on the piss? Either they've nicked the wrong man, or Tindall has been taking the piss out of his country?

Ireland prop Simon Best retires due to heart problems...

Irish bloke Simon Best has announced his retirement from professional rugby. The monster Ulster prop has decided to end his career due to "medical reasons", AKA a dicky ticker. He was taken ill during the Rugby World Cup after suffering an episode of irregular heart rhythm.

Though Best hasn't suffered any long-term effects, an IRFU statement released this afternoon said doctors had advised against him resuming the intense levels of training and playing required for professional rugby. Scrumbag wishes Besty well, all the best, for the future...

Was James Haskell lucky not to do an Eduardo?

It seems Haskell was lucky not to have his leg pulverized in a foul fashion on Saturday, and The Sun have revealed James feared he had suffered an "Eduardo" after the Arsenal striker had his leg shattered only hours earlier.

The 17 stone Wasps star was forced off in the first half of Saturday’s game against France after falling awkwardly when tackling Les Bleus hooker Dimitri Swarzewski. “I had all the weight on one foot, and the ankle got caught beneath me, and then the guy fell on top of me," he whelped afterwards. "I have never broken anything during a game. But I have to admit I thought I had this time. My knee went one way, and my upper half went the other. When I looked down, I thought I might have an injury like Eduardo, and that some bone might be sticking out of my sock. I was mightily relieved, to be honest.”

Young Leicester nipper Tom Croft is now favourite to replace Haskell after impressing as his replacement in Paris.

If everyone in Stockport buys Mosquito spray surely England will win The Six Nations...

As predicted the return of giant Honey Monster Andy Sheridan made a huge difference for England against the cheese eating surrender sanges. And now the people of Stockport can help guarantee that big Sheri's available for the rest of the tournament.

Andy of course plays in the icy Manc town for Sale, but just one bite from a Stockport mosquito could rule him out for months (mozzies are oddly his nememis - like Superman and kyrponite). If every one in the town were to buy a can of mosquito spray and squirt it into the air, surely every midge, mozzie and fly with a mile of Sheridan will die.

The 6ft 4in monster prop has been sent to hospital three times in the past seven months — by two bug bites and a cut. A mosquito put him out of the World Cup warm- up against France last summer. Another beast got him during the tournament. No more!

Good news for Scots: MacLeod has been cleared of taking banned asthma medicine. Bad news for Scots: your team's so bad even asthmatics can make the side!

When Jock lock Scott MacLeod failed a doping test, few people would have expected it would have been for him suckling on an inhaler. But today MacLeod has been retrospectively cleared of failing a doping test after taking a banned asthma medicine without permission. What's more worrying however, is the fact he's seemingly asthmatic. Surely someone with asthma is going to struggle to play first class rugby?

"I'm not a cheat and I'm pleased that the panel accepted that I'd used Terbutaline inadvertently," the Scarlets player told the BBC. "Hopefully other players will be a bit more savvy given what's happened to me. I want to put this behind me now and concentrate on the job in hand with the national team."

A statement from the Scottish Rugby Union confirmed: "Asthmatic Scotland lock Scott MacLeod has been cleared by an independent judicial committee to continue to play the game after he was found to have inadvertently taken a prohibited asthma medication without the required permission."

Andy Sheridan has spent a week on a drip to get fit for England. That's HOW IMPORTANT this France game is...

You've got to give credit to Sheridan for this. Whilst most players would just happily accept injury and sit out England's crunch tie with France, Big Andy has said "bollocks" to his injury. He knows just how vital he is going to be against the Frenchies, and just how vital a good performance against them is for the future of English egg chasing.

Hence, the Sale prop, who stands 6ft 4in tall and weighs 19st 7lbs, has been hooked up to an intravenous drip for a week, so he can be given the all-clear to face the French at the Stade de France on Saturday.

The giant has been out with an infection after he picked up a cut to his right heel became rank. "I'm fit and well," Sheridan croaked from beneath his drip. ""I saw an immunologist and all the indications are that I am not likely to keel over at any moment."

For most people "Not likely" isn't the kind of odds that inspires you to go toe to toe with some French monsters. Credit to the man. What a hero for England.

Will Andy Sheridan's return be the difference for England against France?

Sale's BFG Andy Sheridan may look like the Honey Monster, but he's a formidable talent, and has been much missed by England during his remarkaby short spell out. In my opinion his surprise early return to the game could make a colossal difference and cause all kind of pain for a confused French side.

Big Jason Leonard it seems agrees with me. The Prop legend, speaking in The Sun has said there is more to Sheridan's game than sheer muscle, and he's going to make a big difference. "I think he brings a huge amount of confidence to the English scrum," said Leonard, presumably whilst eating a turkey (whole) and wrestling a bear at the same time (he's that hard). "If he’s on form I don’t think there are many tightheads in the world who can cope with him. His power around the field is important because he’s got a high work-rate as well."

Tindall out for a year after his liver explodes...

Liver explosion. It's never going to be pleasant is it? And though the good news is the liver naturally regenerates itself in the human body, the bad news is it's going to take Mike Tindall at least until the end of year to get over this unbelievably painful sounding injury.

Tindall suffered this awful blow after rupturing his organ in England’s defeat by Wales 11 days ago.
The Gloucester centre, 29, spent four days in intensive care and also suffered a broken rib and punctured lung. Ow. Despite all that Mike somehow managed to pluck up the energy to say, “The ribs would be a four-week injury but I’m just waiting for the liver to heal. There is a possibility I could be out for the season but also a chance it could heal a lot quicker.”

Best of luck with the recovery Mike!

The Serious Injury Club: Knee

Let the misery continue!  We have already seen the ranks of players whose careers have been damaged by shoulder injuries, so now it's the turn of knees and the havoc they wreak.  You've got to feel sorry for rugby players' knees.  They have to support the weight (often quite substantial) of a professional rugby player, doing no small amount of twisting as the player changes direction at a moment's notice.  Not only this, but with rugby being a winter sport, all this bending and pivoting is often done on surfaces that can be euphemistically described as "gluey".

Who's that over there?  Oh, it's Jonny Wilkinson.  Jonny, the chief secretary of the SIC, first injured his knee seriously in January 2005 against Perpignan, ruling himself out of the early stages of the Six Nations.  On his return in a Falcons shirt, he injured the same knee, ruling himself out of the latter stages of the Six Nations.  Then, in September of last year against the Worcester Warriors, Jonny was fallen on by team-mate Andy Buist.  Eight weeks out followed*

It's not just the England number ten shirt that Charlie Hodgson has in common with Jonny.  During the 2003 Six Nations game against Italy, Hodgson ruptured the cruciate ligament in his left knee, putting him out for eight months.  Charlie completed the pair in November past against the Springboks, injuring the same ligament in his right knee.  Philippe Saint-Andre hates Andy Robinson.

Richard Hill, Tom Shanklin and Doddie Weir have all, for their part, had Lions tours ended by knee injuries.  Is it really any wonder that people like me prefer to sit and watch a game with a four-pack of Magners** and 20 cigarettes?  It beats putting your body through that kind of punishment.  Next up, the liver***.

*On his return against Bristol, Jonny suffered a ruptured kidney which ruled him out for another three months.  His effing KIDNEY, for crying out loud.  He just needs to injure an eye and he'll be able to tick off the last box on his checklist and apply for the Six Million Dollar Man treatment.

**  Haven't forgotten you, guys!

*** Not really.

The Serious Injury Club: Shoulder

Here's a rather depressing new Scrumbag feature: The Serious Injury Club. Body part by body part, we'll be doing a rundown of some of the more prolific injuries suffered by today's players (something tells me Jonny Wilkinson will crop up rather a lot). We start today with the shoulder, an area easily damaged rugby players, what with that pesky tackling and everything...

Geordan Murphy.

Murphy injured his shoulder during a wet Leicester Tigers game, when he went in for a tackle and slid right into the advertising hoardings with a resounding thud. I remember it, I was there. The injury plagued Murphy on-and-off until he finally underwent surgery in 2002.

Brian O'Driscoll.

One of the worst, and most infamous, injuries of recent time - Brian O'Driscoll dislocated his shoulder in the first minute of the first 2005 Lions test. He was spear tackled by New Zealand captain Tana Umaga and hooker Keven Mealamu. The dislocation, which required surgery, ended O'Driscoll's Lions tour and he was out of international action under the 2006 Six Nations.

Rob Howley.

It's one of the saddest parts of the famous 1997 Lions tour to South Africa DVD 'Living with Lions': when Test-certainty and Welsh captain Howley is told his tour is over following a dislocated shoulder.

Other players who have had nasty shoulder injuries:

Lewis Moody
Jonny Wilkinson
Leon Lloyd
Alan Quinlan
Keith Gleeson

Was James Haskell lucky not to do an Eduardo?

It seems Haskell was lucky not to have his leg pulverized in a foul fashion on Saturday, and The Sun have revealed James feared he had suffered an "Eduardo" after the Arsenal striker had his leg shattered only hours earlier.

The 17 stone Wasps star was forced off in the first half of Saturday’s game against France after falling awkwardly when tackling Les Bleus hooker Dimitri Swarzewski. “I had all the weight on one foot, and the ankle got caught beneath me, and then the guy fell on top of me," he whelped afterwards. "I have never broken anything during a game. But I have to admit I thought I had this time. My knee went one way, and my upper half went the other. When I looked down, I thought I might have an injury like Eduardo, and that some bone might be sticking out of my sock. I was mightily relieved, to be honest.”

Young Leicester nipper Tom Croft is now favourite to replace Haskell after impressing as his replacement in Paris.

If everyone in Stockport buys Mosquito spray surely England will win The Six Nations...

As predicted the return of giant Honey Monster Andy Sheridan made a huge difference for England against the cheese eating surrender sanges. And now the people of Stockport can help guarantee that big Sheri's available for the rest of the tournament.

Andy of course plays in the icy Manc town for Sale, but just one bite from a Stockport mosquito could rule him out for months (mozzies are oddly his nememis - like Superman and kyrponite). If every one in the town were to buy a can of mosquito spray and squirt it into the air, surely every midge, mozzie and fly with a mile of Sheridan will die.

The 6ft 4in monster prop has been sent to hospital three times in the past seven months — by two bug bites and a cut. A mosquito put him out of the World Cup warm- up against France last summer. Another beast got him during the tournament. No more!

Good news for Scots: MacLeod has been cleared of taking banned asthma medicine. Bad news for Scots: your team's so bad even asthmatics can make the side!

When Jock lock Scott MacLeod failed a doping test, few people would have expected it would have been for him suckling on an inhaler. But today MacLeod has been retrospectively cleared of failing a doping test after taking a banned asthma medicine without permission. What's more worrying however, is the fact he's seemingly asthmatic. Surely someone with asthma is going to struggle to play first class rugby?

"I'm not a cheat and I'm pleased that the panel accepted that I'd used Terbutaline inadvertently," the Scarlets player told the BBC. "Hopefully other players will be a bit more savvy given what's happened to me. I want to put this behind me now and concentrate on the job in hand with the national team."

A statement from the Scottish Rugby Union confirmed: "Asthmatic Scotland lock Scott MacLeod has been cleared by an independent judicial committee to continue to play the game after he was found to have inadvertently taken a prohibited asthma medication without the required permission."

Andy Sheridan has spent a week on a drip to get fit for England. That's HOW IMPORTANT this France game is...

You've got to give credit to Sheridan for this. Whilst most players would just happily accept injury and sit out England's crunch tie with France, Big Andy has said "bollocks" to his injury. He knows just how vital he is going to be against the Frenchies, and just how vital a good performance against them is for the future of English egg chasing.

Hence, the Sale prop, who stands 6ft 4in tall and weighs 19st 7lbs, has been hooked up to an intravenous drip for a week, so he can be given the all-clear to face the French at the Stade de France on Saturday.

The giant has been out with an infection after he picked up a cut to his right heel became rank. "I'm fit and well," Sheridan croaked from beneath his drip. ""I saw an immunologist and all the indications are that I am not likely to keel over at any moment."

For most people "Not likely" isn't the kind of odds that inspires you to go toe to toe with some French monsters. Credit to the man. What a hero for England.

Will Andy Sheridan's return be the difference for England against France?

Sale's BFG Andy Sheridan may look like the Honey Monster, but he's a formidable talent, and has been much missed by England during his remarkaby short spell out. In my opinion his surprise early return to the game could make a colossal difference and cause all kind of pain for a confused French side.

Big Jason Leonard it seems agrees with me. The Prop legend, speaking in The Sun has said there is more to Sheridan's game than sheer muscle, and he's going to make a big difference. "I think he brings a huge amount of confidence to the English scrum," said Leonard, presumably whilst eating a turkey (whole) and wrestling a bear at the same time (he's that hard). "If he’s on form I don’t think there are many tightheads in the world who can cope with him. His power around the field is important because he’s got a high work-rate as well."

Tindall out for a year after his liver explodes...

Liver explosion. It's never going to be pleasant is it? And though the good news is the liver naturally regenerates itself in the human body, the bad news is it's going to take Mike Tindall at least until the end of year to get over this unbelievably painful sounding injury.

Tindall suffered this awful blow after rupturing his organ in England’s defeat by Wales 11 days ago.
The Gloucester centre, 29, spent four days in intensive care and also suffered a broken rib and punctured lung. Ow. Despite all that Mike somehow managed to pluck up the energy to say, “The ribs would be a four-week injury but I’m just waiting for the liver to heal. There is a possibility I could be out for the season but also a chance it could heal a lot quicker.”

Best of luck with the recovery Mike!

The Serious Injury Club: Knee

Let the misery continue!  We have already seen the ranks of players whose careers have been damaged by shoulder injuries, so now it's the turn of knees and the havoc they wreak.  You've got to feel sorry for rugby players' knees.  They have to support the weight (often quite substantial) of a professional rugby player, doing no small amount of twisting as the player changes direction at a moment's notice.  Not only this, but with rugby being a winter sport, all this bending and pivoting is often done on surfaces that can be euphemistically described as "gluey".

Who's that over there?  Oh, it's Jonny Wilkinson.  Jonny, the chief secretary of the SIC, first injured his knee seriously in January 2005 against Perpignan, ruling himself out of the early stages of the Six Nations.  On his return in a Falcons shirt, he injured the same knee, ruling himself out of the latter stages of the Six Nations.  Then, in September of last year against the Worcester Warriors, Jonny was fallen on by team-mate Andy Buist.  Eight weeks out followed*

It's not just the England number ten shirt that Charlie Hodgson has in common with Jonny.  During the 2003 Six Nations game against Italy, Hodgson ruptured the cruciate ligament in his left knee, putting him out for eight months.  Charlie completed the pair in November past against the Springboks, injuring the same ligament in his right knee.  Philippe Saint-Andre hates Andy Robinson.

Richard Hill, Tom Shanklin and Doddie Weir have all, for their part, had Lions tours ended by knee injuries.  Is it really any wonder that people like me prefer to sit and watch a game with a four-pack of Magners** and 20 cigarettes?  It beats putting your body through that kind of punishment.  Next up, the liver***.

*On his return against Bristol, Jonny suffered a ruptured kidney which ruled him out for another three months.  His effing KIDNEY, for crying out loud.  He just needs to injure an eye and he'll be able to tick off the last box on his checklist and apply for the Six Million Dollar Man treatment.

**  Haven't forgotten you, guys!

*** Not really.

The Serious Injury Club: Shoulder

Here's a rather depressing new Scrumbag feature: The Serious Injury Club. Body part by body part, we'll be doing a rundown of some of the more prolific injuries suffered by today's players (something tells me Jonny Wilkinson will crop up rather a lot). We start today with the shoulder, an area easily damaged rugby players, what with that pesky tackling and everything...

Geordan Murphy.

Murphy injured his shoulder during a wet Leicester Tigers game, when he went in for a tackle and slid right into the advertising hoardings with a resounding thud. I remember it, I was there. The injury plagued Murphy on-and-off until he finally underwent surgery in 2002.

Brian O'Driscoll.

One of the worst, and most infamous, injuries of recent time - Brian O'Driscoll dislocated his shoulder in the first minute of the first 2005 Lions test. He was spear tackled by New Zealand captain Tana Umaga and hooker Keven Mealamu. The dislocation, which required surgery, ended O'Driscoll's Lions tour and he was out of international action under the 2006 Six Nations.

Rob Howley.

It's one of the saddest parts of the famous 1997 Lions tour to South Africa DVD 'Living with Lions': when Test-certainty and Welsh captain Howley is told his tour is over following a dislocated shoulder.

Other players who have had nasty shoulder injuries:

Lewis Moody
Jonny Wilkinson
Leon Lloyd
Alan Quinlan
Keith Gleeson