Scrumbag

England star Mike Tindall is arrested after going out drinking with The Queen's granddaughter. Hang on, I thought he had a "liver" injury?

Big bad baldy England star Mike Tindall has been nicked for drink-driving the morning after a boozy night out at the Cheltenham Racing Festival with horse faced horse fan Zara Phillips. Whoops.

Thames Valley Police confirmed that they arrested a sozzled 29-year-old Gloucestershire man on the M4 near Newbury in Berkshire at 10.55am on Saturday. The man was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving and bailed. The cops will not confirm reports that it was Tindall, who plays centre for Gloucester, who was arrested.

Tindall as not in the team for England's Six Nations win over the Irish due to an extremely nasty liver injury. Surely if you've got an injured liver you can go out on the piss? Either they've nicked the wrong man, or Tindall has been taking the piss out of his country?

Ashton, Wilkinson, Vainikolo... OUT! OUT! OUT!

Ughghghgh. Firstly congratulations to Scotland, Wales and whoever won in that third game. Now, onto the business of England's truly inept display. Rob Andrew must surely now get around to what he almost had the balls to do last year... sack grandpa Ashton.

England have by far the most talented players in the Six Nations yet they are consistently playing like a bunch of confused grumpy school boys. Wales meanwhile looked terrible on paper going into this tournament and look beyond fantastic now - they're solid, determined, faster than ferrets and utterly deserving of the Grand Slam which they'll hopefully pick up. It doesn't take a rocket scientist's brain surgeon to work out this is down to bad man management (Ashton) and superb man management (Gatland).

So now it's time for Ashton to go. And surely he can take Jonny Wilks and Vainikolo with him. Of course Jonny can come back, but the man needs a break to re-find his form without all this pressure. I can't honestly ever remember a worst England performance. Seriously. Ever. If only Cipriani hadn't of been so outrageously wreckless in having that orange juice 57 hours before the big game. It could have been so very different...

Rant. Over.

Six Nations Predictions: Wales to go down fighting in Ireland...

Whether you're watching the games in a stadium, in the pub, rugby club or plonked on your sofa... there's some mouth watering action coming our way. Here's my predictions for this weekend's action. Let me know if you think I've got it right, or if I'm (as ever) talking out of my hole...

Ireland v Wales,
Saturday, 08 March 2008, 13:15
No doubt the tie of the weekend. I actually fear that off the field rubbish might scupper the Welsh here. The Gatland Vs O'Sullivan sideshow might distract from the players and Shaun Edwards seems more worried about his English Wasps star Cipriani right now. All that added to the Croke roar, and the Irish actually having a few superb players, it might be too much to handle. I'm sure it'll be extremely close, but I just think Ireland might nick it. Sorry guys.

Scotland v England
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:15
Will Ashton live to regret this Cipriani mess. Against any side but Scotland, I'd probably say yes. But the Scottish really are poor right now. Can't see anything but a dull England win here.

France v Italy
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:00
Expect more French lunacy, but I'm sure no matter how bonkers the team they'll be too much for Italy in France. The question is, will anyone actually care?

So let me know what you think the scores will be...

Does anyone other than Shaun Edwards want Shaun Edwards as the new Lions coach?

Not content with already having 76 jobs, Shaun Edwards now has his beady eye on the biggest job of the lot... coaching the Lions. Surely with all his Wasps, Wales and TV work he hasn't got the time to coach the Lions too. Please say it's not now become a job you can squeeze in during your lunch break?

On the subject, Edwards has said, “If I don’t go on the Lions tour because I am not good enough, I accept that. If they pick someone else in front of me, I can accept that." Okay, okay, we get it... you accept that.

“But not putting my name in the hat," continues Edwards without spitting out the words "accept" or "that" (though "hat" was close), "by not getting involved would not be acceptable to me.”

Let me know who you think should be Lions gaffer... Edwards? Gatland? White? Bald Clive? Erm, DeVilliers?

Is there too much rugby on the BBC?

A big fat 124 old ladies phoned the BBC on Saturday to moan about the three Six Nations matches shown on BBC1 at the weekend. Oddly I think they have a point. With nearly twelve hours of continuous sport shown on the channel, surely it'd be better placed on Sky Sports.

Many rugby fans choose to watch the big matches down their rugby club, in the pub, or LIVE if possible - forcing it down the throats of everyone is pointless. Plus Sky would undoubtedly cover the Six Nations in a far superior way to the Beeb's still trapped in 1992 style.

A BBC statement said: "We are sorry that some viewers felt the BBC1 schedule... contained too much sport. Competition for sports rights has intensified enormously in recent years and since the Six Nations tournament came back to the BBC, there has been a picture of growth in audiences watching our coverage of the sport. This weekend in particular was very exciting for rugby, with the BBC playing host to three Six Nations matches."

Let me know what you think. Is there too much or too little egg chasery on the box?

"We realise that not everyone enjoys watching sport but there is undeniably a large section of our audience who do and as a public service broadcaster, we are obligated to cater for them as and when we can. The audience ratings alone justified our decision to show the three matches, with a combined total of 15 million tuning in."

Ireland prop Simon Best retires due to heart problems...

Irish bloke Simon Best has announced his retirement from professional rugby. The monster Ulster prop has decided to end his career due to "medical reasons", AKA a dicky ticker. He was taken ill during the Rugby World Cup after suffering an episode of irregular heart rhythm.

Though Best hasn't suffered any long-term effects, an IRFU statement released this afternoon said doctors had advised against him resuming the intense levels of training and playing required for professional rugby. Scrumbag wishes Besty well, all the best, for the future...

If everyone in Stockport buys Mosquito spray surely England will win The Six Nations...

As predicted the return of giant Honey Monster Andy Sheridan made a huge difference for England against the cheese eating surrender sanges. And now the people of Stockport can help guarantee that big Sheri's available for the rest of the tournament.

Andy of course plays in the icy Manc town for Sale, but just one bite from a Stockport mosquito could rule him out for months (mozzies are oddly his nememis - like Superman and kyrponite). If every one in the town were to buy a can of mosquito spray and squirt it into the air, surely every midge, mozzie and fly with a mile of Sheridan will die.

The 6ft 4in monster prop has been sent to hospital three times in the past seven months — by two bug bites and a cut. A mosquito put him out of the World Cup warm- up against France last summer. Another beast got him during the tournament. No more!

Why does Jonny Wilkinson insist on talking like a politician?

Dear Jonny's been talking in cliches again. Why can't the man converse like a rugby player rather than a politician? Here's what he's had to say today...

1) Jonny says: “I consider myself to be one of those players who needs a big game, and have done so for the last 67 games."
Jonny means: I thought the Wales game wasn't important and would be easy.

2) Jonny says: “If I didn’t feel that way, then the only saving grace would have been that I’d have slept better on Friday nights."
Jonny means: I'm confused and want to go home.

3) Jonny says: “No game is about trying to hold on to your shirt. It’s about doing the shirt justice for those guys you are playing alongside.
Jonny means: I can't believe I haven't been dropped either.

4) Jonny says: “Playing against the French there is an always an experience of the unknown."
Jonny means: We've done no preparation for this game. Anything could happen.

5) Jonny says: “There is no real reward in running out in a white shirt unless you are going to go there and show who it is who’s wearing it."
Jonny means: Many of my teammates are crap.

6) Jonny says:“Those shirts deserve to be on people who are doing it justice, and that’s what you want to do.”
Jonny means: Not only are many of my teammates are crap, I'm crap these days too.

7) Jonny says: “You realise that after playing this game professionally for 11 years, what’s gone has definitely gone.
Jonny means: I won the World Cup once you know.

8) Jonny says: “You wake up on any match-day morning and it really is a blank canvas, and what you do on that day is the picture you paint on it."
Jonny means: I have run out of things to say.

9) Jonny says: “You can try and bring stuff with you from the past, but to be honest, it holds no real water."
Jonny means: I want to go home.

10) Jonny says: “It’s a new start every time, and I do think we are building towards something."
Jonny means: Please leave me alone.

The Friday Rant: Now It's Personal

Fed up with people calling the ABs chokers when they lose, and saying they've raped the Pacific Islands when they win? Peeing your pants that your team is going to suck on a global scale when the Rugby World Cup starts in 10 days and want to lash out at another team? Seen a prop in one of those skin-tight jerseys and vomited a little bit into your mouth? Gareth Jenkins AGAIN?

Don't delay: rant today! 400 words of your choice - as long as you'd be happy with your dear old Mum reading them - to scrumbag_editor@yahoo.co.uk and we'll post the best of breed on Friday.

Brian O'Driscoll stokes Ireland vs. England fever

*snuffling, mildly fearful comments from English editor Toni in purple
As we reported earlier in the week, Brian O'Driscoll has been confirmed as a starter for Ireland when they play England this weekend. And the Irish captain has been shouting his mouth off about the English/Irish national feeling by saying: "We just love beating England. At anything." (Yeah, like you do that very often). He continued in the latest issue of Zoo magazine (oh Brian, have some class - Zoo magazine?): "Our new stadium is impressive. We're used to running out to 40,000 fans at Lansdowne Road, but here (Croke Park) we'll have 80,000 and that's bound to make a difference." (You mean like it did against, say, France? When you lost?)

Disregarding silly remarks from the captain (I expect it from the French but I really thought better of you, Mr. O'Driscoll), the Irish can go mad with happiness about their history by purchasing a piece of turf from the old Lansdowne Road. Prices are €10 for a keyring-sized piece, and €20 for a mantel-piece set. (Go England!)

Six Nations Predictions: Wales to go down fighting in Ireland...

Whether you're watching the games in a stadium, in the pub, rugby club or plonked on your sofa... there's some mouth watering action coming our way. Here's my predictions for this weekend's action. Let me know if you think I've got it right, or if I'm (as ever) talking out of my hole...

Ireland v Wales,
Saturday, 08 March 2008, 13:15
No doubt the tie of the weekend. I actually fear that off the field rubbish might scupper the Welsh here. The Gatland Vs O'Sullivan sideshow might distract from the players and Shaun Edwards seems more worried about his English Wasps star Cipriani right now. All that added to the Croke roar, and the Irish actually having a few superb players, it might be too much to handle. I'm sure it'll be extremely close, but I just think Ireland might nick it. Sorry guys.

Scotland v England
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:15
Will Ashton live to regret this Cipriani mess. Against any side but Scotland, I'd probably say yes. But the Scottish really are poor right now. Can't see anything but a dull England win here.

France v Italy
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:00
Expect more French lunacy, but I'm sure no matter how bonkers the team they'll be too much for Italy in France. The question is, will anyone actually care?

So let me know what you think the scores will be...

Does anyone other than Shaun Edwards want Shaun Edwards as the new Lions coach?

Not content with already having 76 jobs, Shaun Edwards now has his beady eye on the biggest job of the lot... coaching the Lions. Surely with all his Wasps, Wales and TV work he hasn't got the time to coach the Lions too. Please say it's not now become a job you can squeeze in during your lunch break?

On the subject, Edwards has said, “If I don’t go on the Lions tour because I am not good enough, I accept that. If they pick someone else in front of me, I can accept that." Okay, okay, we get it... you accept that.

“But not putting my name in the hat," continues Edwards without spitting out the words "accept" or "that" (though "hat" was close), "by not getting involved would not be acceptable to me.”

Let me know who you think should be Lions gaffer... Edwards? Gatland? White? Bald Clive? Erm, DeVilliers?

Is there too much rugby on the BBC?

A big fat 124 old ladies phoned the BBC on Saturday to moan about the three Six Nations matches shown on BBC1 at the weekend. Oddly I think they have a point. With nearly twelve hours of continuous sport shown on the channel, surely it'd be better placed on Sky Sports.

Many rugby fans choose to watch the big matches down their rugby club, in the pub, or LIVE if possible - forcing it down the throats of everyone is pointless. Plus Sky would undoubtedly cover the Six Nations in a far superior way to the Beeb's still trapped in 1992 style.

A BBC statement said: "We are sorry that some viewers felt the BBC1 schedule... contained too much sport. Competition for sports rights has intensified enormously in recent years and since the Six Nations tournament came back to the BBC, there has been a picture of growth in audiences watching our coverage of the sport. This weekend in particular was very exciting for rugby, with the BBC playing host to three Six Nations matches."

Let me know what you think. Is there too much or too little egg chasery on the box?

"We realise that not everyone enjoys watching sport but there is undeniably a large section of our audience who do and as a public service broadcaster, we are obligated to cater for them as and when we can. The audience ratings alone justified our decision to show the three matches, with a combined total of 15 million tuning in."

Ireland prop Simon Best retires due to heart problems...

Irish bloke Simon Best has announced his retirement from professional rugby. The monster Ulster prop has decided to end his career due to "medical reasons", AKA a dicky ticker. He was taken ill during the Rugby World Cup after suffering an episode of irregular heart rhythm.

Though Best hasn't suffered any long-term effects, an IRFU statement released this afternoon said doctors had advised against him resuming the intense levels of training and playing required for professional rugby. Scrumbag wishes Besty well, all the best, for the future...

If everyone in Stockport buys Mosquito spray surely England will win The Six Nations...

As predicted the return of giant Honey Monster Andy Sheridan made a huge difference for England against the cheese eating surrender sanges. And now the people of Stockport can help guarantee that big Sheri's available for the rest of the tournament.

Andy of course plays in the icy Manc town for Sale, but just one bite from a Stockport mosquito could rule him out for months (mozzies are oddly his nememis - like Superman and kyrponite). If every one in the town were to buy a can of mosquito spray and squirt it into the air, surely every midge, mozzie and fly with a mile of Sheridan will die.

The 6ft 4in monster prop has been sent to hospital three times in the past seven months — by two bug bites and a cut. A mosquito put him out of the World Cup warm- up against France last summer. Another beast got him during the tournament. No more!

Why does Jonny Wilkinson insist on talking like a politician?

Dear Jonny's been talking in cliches again. Why can't the man converse like a rugby player rather than a politician? Here's what he's had to say today...

1) Jonny says: “I consider myself to be one of those players who needs a big game, and have done so for the last 67 games."
Jonny means: I thought the Wales game wasn't important and would be easy.

2) Jonny says: “If I didn’t feel that way, then the only saving grace would have been that I’d have slept better on Friday nights."
Jonny means: I'm confused and want to go home.

3) Jonny says: “No game is about trying to hold on to your shirt. It’s about doing the shirt justice for those guys you are playing alongside.
Jonny means: I can't believe I haven't been dropped either.

4) Jonny says: “Playing against the French there is an always an experience of the unknown."
Jonny means: We've done no preparation for this game. Anything could happen.

5) Jonny says: “There is no real reward in running out in a white shirt unless you are going to go there and show who it is who’s wearing it."
Jonny means: Many of my teammates are crap.

6) Jonny says:“Those shirts deserve to be on people who are doing it justice, and that’s what you want to do.”
Jonny means: Not only are many of my teammates are crap, I'm crap these days too.

7) Jonny says: “You realise that after playing this game professionally for 11 years, what’s gone has definitely gone.
Jonny means: I won the World Cup once you know.

8) Jonny says: “You wake up on any match-day morning and it really is a blank canvas, and what you do on that day is the picture you paint on it."
Jonny means: I have run out of things to say.

9) Jonny says: “You can try and bring stuff with you from the past, but to be honest, it holds no real water."
Jonny means: I want to go home.

10) Jonny says: “It’s a new start every time, and I do think we are building towards something."
Jonny means: Please leave me alone.

The Friday Rant: Now It's Personal

Fed up with people calling the ABs chokers when they lose, and saying they've raped the Pacific Islands when they win? Peeing your pants that your team is going to suck on a global scale when the Rugby World Cup starts in 10 days and want to lash out at another team? Seen a prop in one of those skin-tight jerseys and vomited a little bit into your mouth? Gareth Jenkins AGAIN?

Don't delay: rant today! 400 words of your choice - as long as you'd be happy with your dear old Mum reading them - to scrumbag_editor@yahoo.co.uk and we'll post the best of breed on Friday.

Brian O'Driscoll stokes Ireland vs. England fever

*snuffling, mildly fearful comments from English editor Toni in purple
As we reported earlier in the week, Brian O'Driscoll has been confirmed as a starter for Ireland when they play England this weekend. And the Irish captain has been shouting his mouth off about the English/Irish national feeling by saying: "We just love beating England. At anything." (Yeah, like you do that very often). He continued in the latest issue of Zoo magazine (oh Brian, have some class - Zoo magazine?): "Our new stadium is impressive. We're used to running out to 40,000 fans at Lansdowne Road, but here (Croke Park) we'll have 80,000 and that's bound to make a difference." (You mean like it did against, say, France? When you lost?)

Disregarding silly remarks from the captain (I expect it from the French but I really thought better of you, Mr. O'Driscoll), the Irish can go mad with happiness about their history by purchasing a piece of turf from the old Lansdowne Road. Prices are €10 for a keyring-sized piece, and €20 for a mantel-piece set. (Go England!)

Steve Walsh: Is he looking for a slap or what?

Ooooooh, Steve Walsh.  You're a bad, bad man.  Forget any talk of foolish, unguarded comments, what you did after the final whistle on Sunday in Cardiff was just plain idiotic.  Unhappy with how Ireland played the breakdown, eh?  Well, here's a bit of free advice that you can use in the future.  There's a bloke who stands on the field who holds a whistle.  You can't miss him, he wears different colours from the two teams.  He's called "the ref".  It's the same job you do sometimes.  To get his attention, you wave the little flag you're given or shout "Hey!  Over here!" and then you tell him what's going on.

You do not, and I can't stress this enough, you do not make your opinions known to a member of the Welsh coaching staff before saying "Don't worry, I'm reffing them next week, I'll sort them out and no mistake".  Apart from being quite unsporting, it's massively unprofessional.  It undermines the performance of the man in the middle, and makes you look like a pretty shoddy official (I shan't be drawn on whether or not that's misleading).  As well as that, if something was wrong and you spotted it, then by doing nothing you harmed Wales' shot at a decent result against the tournament favourites - not to mention prejudicing your upcoming assignment at Croke Park.  I understand you've apologised to Eddie O'Sullivan and retracted your remarks, but there's something you need to know about that.  Namely, if you are now seen to let anything go where Ireland may have been penalised, it's going to be seen as over-compensating.

You're a bad man all right.  Almost as bad as Dave Pearson...

Clive Woodward: Mental?

Last month, in what can only be referred to as "a pitiful attempt at humour", this very writer inferred that Clive Woodward's assertion that England could win this year's World Cup was influenced by hallucinogenic drugs administered by aliens.  All in good fun (though admittedly not "funny").  Then, while researching Jonny Wilkinson's relationship with Spang, the ruthless God of Injury, I stumbled across THIS.   A story told by Jason Leonard, corroborated by Lawrence Dallaglio (OK, much though I hate him I choose to believe him here.  Deal with it.) suggests that Woodward's decision to drop Wilkinson to the bench for 1999's World Cup quarter-final with South Africa was influenced by ... a dream.

According to Leonard:  'Clive told us, "I had a dream". He said, "I dreamt last night that Jonny Wilkinson lost us the World Cup".'  It's not quite Martin Luther King, is it?  Woodward denies such a thing ever happened - but then, he also claimed the 2005 Lions tour was a success, so one has cause to doubt him occasionally.