Scrumbag

Sir Clive Woodward thinks Lawrence Dallaglio should join the England coaching set up...

After spending the weekend trotting around with a fire on a stick / pissing off Tibetan folk, Sir Clive is pushing his luck once more on this snowy Monday morn. The RFU can't even sack Ashton and appoint Johnson let alone start thinking about further coaching staff. Despite that Britain's baldest knight has spouted in The Sun that he thinks Martin Johnson needs to appoint the likes of Lawrence Dallaglio in his coaching staff.

“What Martin needs is to have people around him with whom he can work with at this level but also relax with and enjoy the job with," said Sir Clive before getting a picture of him and the world cup out of his wallet to remind everyone just how great he is. "For example," he continued, "I would look at Mike Catt, Neil Back and Lawrence Dallaglio for definite because they have immense knowledge as well as experience. When I became head coach of England in 1997 I inherited a few people in my structure. They were quality people but being brutally honest I wouldn’t have chosen them, so they had to go. It was very difficult but I brought in Andy Robinson for example, not only a great coach but also a mate."

Interesting. But if Ashton is being squeezed into some kind of patronizing role within the coaching set up I can't see him wanting to work with the likes of Dallaglio or Catt. Too much water has passed under those particular bridges...

Saracens use hovercraft to clear the Vicarage Road snow before their Ospreys clash...

It probably says a lot about me, but my favourite moment of the Heineken Cup weekend was a man dressed as a camel riding a hovercraft to clear some snow. Brilliantly the camel driven hovercraft cleared the snow in a jiffy, but I have so many questions about the whole thing.

1) Just who came up with this idea?

2) How did they know it was going to work?

3) Where do you get a hovercraft from at short notice?

4) How did they get it inside Vicarage Road?

5) Why does that camel wear a fez anyway?

If you know the answer to any (ANY!) of those five questions, please, please, please let me know...

Get your grubby hands on the Six Nations trophy...

What's shiny, welsh, has big ears and was recently pawed by Gavin Henson. No, no not Charlotte Church people, it's the Six Nations trophy. And do you know what, you can get your mits on the thing thanks to some nonsense the WRU are up to.

Yes, the Welsh Rugby Union has launched a new online service at www.wru.co.uk where "volunteers providing the existing and potential ‘unsung heroes’ of the game in Wales with all the information they may need to become tomorrow’s referees, coaches, stewards, ground staff or club helpers at all levels of rugby. In a bid to aid volunteer recruitment nationwide, the trophy will embark upon a two month tour throughout the summer giving the opportunity to any of the WRU’s member clubs to apply to host European Rugby’s top piece of silverware."

All clubs need to do to access the glittering prize held aloft by Wales Grand Slam Captain Ryan Jones just a few short weeks ago, is apply within the next 7 days (closing date is 5pm, 11th April 2008) through their club secretaries via an online form found at the volunteer’s section of the WRU’s website. Sounds complicated. It is. Click here for more info. You might need to print it off, scratch your head and give it a couple of reads.

Could Fetu'u Vainikolo be the next Lesley Vainikolo?

Vainikolo, he's awesome isn't he. No, no, not England's Les... he's decidedly average, I'm talking about Tongo's Fetu'u Vainikolo. Even his name means "star" in Tongolese. Maybe Brian Ashton should think about forcing an English passport on him before he toodles off to rugby league?

The other Vainikolo winger (who is no relation to the KFC loving Les, but oddly is a cousin of Daniel Halangahu) is causing a storm in New Zealand hemisphere in his first season of Super 14 rugby, despite the fact that his South Islanders are lodged at the bottom of the tournament standings. The 23-year-old was born in the village of Haalalo in Tonga and moved to New Zealand with his family in 1997 when he was twelve. While his namesake simply failed to get hold of the ball in the Six Nations, Fetu'u spent last weekend scoring a dazzling individual try from 60 metres out against the Western Force in Queenstown.

"When you get the ball you've just got to make the most of it because there are games when you hardly get the ball," Vainikolo told Sportal. Hang on? Hardly getting the ball? That sounds like another Vainikolo!

Six Nations hero Mike Phillips out for the long haul with niggling knee knack...

Ospreys scrumhalf Mike Phillips was piggin' splendid in the Six Nations as he helped both his club and country win the Grand Slam. For my money he was without doubt one of the players of the tournament. Bad news then for Wales and 'spreys fans, as Phillips knee is buggered. He messed it to shreds during Ospreys' EDF Energy Cup mauling of Saracens last weekend.

"After his operation he'll be looking at a six month rehabilitation period, which means that hopefully we'll be seeing him back in action by October," Ospreys physiotherapist Chris Towers told the offical Osprey website.

There's all kinds of damage to the ligaments in his right knee, he's going to need (kneed?) a truck load of surgery and won't be returning for at very very least six months.

Guinness Premiership to ban any future Shaun Edwards type people...

He's bald, he comes from rugby league, he's not Welsh, he's got a billion jobs, and he's not that popular amongst certain people. Ladies and gents... Mr Shaun Edwards!

Wasps and Wales fans should soak up the Edwards lovliness, as a beast like him will never be allowed to be created again. The Guinness Premiership clubs have drawn up a rule which will prevent any of their coaches taking a part-time job with a national side. Does this mean Edwards couldn't switch to England then?

Apparently the rule has been drawn up because Premier Rugby felt that, if a club coach were involved with a national team, from age-group side upwards, it would give them a potential advantage over rivals because they would be in a position to tap up players. Yada, yada, yada...

Lawrence Dallaglio cited for the very first time, mere seconds from ending his squeaky clean career...

You've seen the movie. An elderly cop is about to collect his gold watch... but then a prostitute or something is murdered. He decides to find the killer... one last case before hanging up his badge and retiring. Inevitably there's a car chase, and the old copper has a face off with the murderer on a deserted pier. Mere seconds from retiring he gets shot, and his plucky young partner takes down the crook, before watching his old buddy splutter blood and die in his arms. Well minus the guns, pier, and murderers the same thing has just happened to old goat Lozza D.

The ex England legend and current Wasps skipper has been cited for the first time in his 18-year club career, just a hair's breath from retiring with a record more squeaky clean than Joe Pasquale's bottom. Why, how, when, where? Well it's for an alleged punch on Leicester prop Julian White. The incident is said to have happened during the closing stages of Wasps' loss in the EDF Energy Cup semi-final. If found guilty, Dallaglio, who retires from the sport at the end of the season in May, could face a suspension of between two and eight weeks. Not that he'll care if he's retired...

Could Brian Ashton replace Eddie O'Sullivan in Ireland?

Well Ashton's return to Ireland would be unlikely, but you can't help but hope. As I drop to my knees and pray, here's 10 things to know about Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan written in celebration of today's big Irish news...

1) He's just quit his job due to him being rubbish at it.

2) When he was head coach of Ireland Under-21s, he beat Clive Woodward's England Under-21s.

3) He achieved feck all since that heady day in 1996...

4) Well, aside from three triple crowns.

5) He nicked his job off of his former boss Warren Gatland.

6) The IRFU shouldn't have let him do it due to Gatland being much, much, better than him.

7) He was contracted until 2012, so he should get a payoff big enough to feed him in lobster tails until at least next Xmas.

8) He had it put in his contract that he could temporarily leave Ireland to coach the Lions. Mmmmwah ahah ha hah ha!

9) He hates brilliant Irishman Geordan Murphy, refuses to play him, hence he kept losing.

10) He looks like the unwanted love child of Glenn Hoddle and Neil Warnock.

BRRRREAKING NEWS! Martin Johnson to take up England post... but Ashton to stay?

I haven't got official confirmation of it yet, but as far as I understand 4898stone World Cup winning monster Martin Johnson is set to take an England role. That's fantastic news. But oddly, Ashton is set to stay, and the pair will work together (until the next cock up, when Ashton will finally get the boot, and Johnno will be allowed to go it alone).

Just what has Ashton got on Rob Andrew? My guess is photos of him sleeping with a goat - only something of that magnitude could explain his absolute fear of sacking him. However, this is no time for slagging Ashton, as I'm genuinely delighted England are calling on Johnson.

"There's no doubt that he's been approached," said BBC rugby union correspondent Ian Robertson earlier, "They are into deep negotiations now and I'm sure he will be appointed." Fantastic.

Welsh success is down to love birds Gatland and Edwards spending Valentines night together...

That Lib Dem MP and the uglier of the two Cheeky Girls - they're an odd couple. As are Danny Cipriani and the marginally better looking of the two Cheeky Girls. But no couple is odder than Wazza Gatland and his baldy babe Shaun Edwards.

Apparently the pair (neither of whom have an STD coincidentally) spent Valentines night together, and that (their biggest sacrifice for Wales) was key to winning the Six Nations in such style. While other people were out exchanging novelty cards then doing the ol' in / out / in / sigh / out / sleep, these two were discussing team tactics at a pivotal point of the campaign.

“The biggest sacrifice we had to make was Valentine’s evening," said Edwards today whilst still grinning from ear to ear. "We went to the local pub." Rubbish considering Edwards doesn't even drink! “I’m off the drink at the moment but he [Wazza] was having a pint. All these couples were gazing in each others’ eyes – and I was with him [Wazza]. Talking rugby. Those are the sorts of sacrifices you have to make.”

I wonder where Brian Ashton spent Valentines night? Down the pub with Rob Andrew? Wow, that'd be an awkward date...

Get your grubby hands on the Six Nations trophy...

What's shiny, welsh, has big ears and was recently pawed by Gavin Henson. No, no not Charlotte Church people, it's the Six Nations trophy. And do you know what, you can get your mits on the thing thanks to some nonsense the WRU are up to.

Yes, the Welsh Rugby Union has launched a new online service at www.wru.co.uk where "volunteers providing the existing and potential ‘unsung heroes’ of the game in Wales with all the information they may need to become tomorrow’s referees, coaches, stewards, ground staff or club helpers at all levels of rugby. In a bid to aid volunteer recruitment nationwide, the trophy will embark upon a two month tour throughout the summer giving the opportunity to any of the WRU’s member clubs to apply to host European Rugby’s top piece of silverware."

All clubs need to do to access the glittering prize held aloft by Wales Grand Slam Captain Ryan Jones just a few short weeks ago, is apply within the next 7 days (closing date is 5pm, 11th April 2008) through their club secretaries via an online form found at the volunteer’s section of the WRU’s website. Sounds complicated. It is. Click here for more info. You might need to print it off, scratch your head and give it a couple of reads.

Could Fetu'u Vainikolo be the next Lesley Vainikolo?

Vainikolo, he's awesome isn't he. No, no, not England's Les... he's decidedly average, I'm talking about Tongo's Fetu'u Vainikolo. Even his name means "star" in Tongolese. Maybe Brian Ashton should think about forcing an English passport on him before he toodles off to rugby league?

The other Vainikolo winger (who is no relation to the KFC loving Les, but oddly is a cousin of Daniel Halangahu) is causing a storm in New Zealand hemisphere in his first season of Super 14 rugby, despite the fact that his South Islanders are lodged at the bottom of the tournament standings. The 23-year-old was born in the village of Haalalo in Tonga and moved to New Zealand with his family in 1997 when he was twelve. While his namesake simply failed to get hold of the ball in the Six Nations, Fetu'u spent last weekend scoring a dazzling individual try from 60 metres out against the Western Force in Queenstown.

"When you get the ball you've just got to make the most of it because there are games when you hardly get the ball," Vainikolo told Sportal. Hang on? Hardly getting the ball? That sounds like another Vainikolo!

Six Nations hero Mike Phillips out for the long haul with niggling knee knack...

Ospreys scrumhalf Mike Phillips was piggin' splendid in the Six Nations as he helped both his club and country win the Grand Slam. For my money he was without doubt one of the players of the tournament. Bad news then for Wales and 'spreys fans, as Phillips knee is buggered. He messed it to shreds during Ospreys' EDF Energy Cup mauling of Saracens last weekend.

"After his operation he'll be looking at a six month rehabilitation period, which means that hopefully we'll be seeing him back in action by October," Ospreys physiotherapist Chris Towers told the offical Osprey website.

There's all kinds of damage to the ligaments in his right knee, he's going to need (kneed?) a truck load of surgery and won't be returning for at very very least six months.

Guinness Premiership to ban any future Shaun Edwards type people...

He's bald, he comes from rugby league, he's not Welsh, he's got a billion jobs, and he's not that popular amongst certain people. Ladies and gents... Mr Shaun Edwards!

Wasps and Wales fans should soak up the Edwards lovliness, as a beast like him will never be allowed to be created again. The Guinness Premiership clubs have drawn up a rule which will prevent any of their coaches taking a part-time job with a national side. Does this mean Edwards couldn't switch to England then?

Apparently the rule has been drawn up because Premier Rugby felt that, if a club coach were involved with a national team, from age-group side upwards, it would give them a potential advantage over rivals because they would be in a position to tap up players. Yada, yada, yada...

Lawrence Dallaglio cited for the very first time, mere seconds from ending his squeaky clean career...

You've seen the movie. An elderly cop is about to collect his gold watch... but then a prostitute or something is murdered. He decides to find the killer... one last case before hanging up his badge and retiring. Inevitably there's a car chase, and the old copper has a face off with the murderer on a deserted pier. Mere seconds from retiring he gets shot, and his plucky young partner takes down the crook, before watching his old buddy splutter blood and die in his arms. Well minus the guns, pier, and murderers the same thing has just happened to old goat Lozza D.

The ex England legend and current Wasps skipper has been cited for the first time in his 18-year club career, just a hair's breath from retiring with a record more squeaky clean than Joe Pasquale's bottom. Why, how, when, where? Well it's for an alleged punch on Leicester prop Julian White. The incident is said to have happened during the closing stages of Wasps' loss in the EDF Energy Cup semi-final. If found guilty, Dallaglio, who retires from the sport at the end of the season in May, could face a suspension of between two and eight weeks. Not that he'll care if he's retired...

Could Brian Ashton replace Eddie O'Sullivan in Ireland?

Well Ashton's return to Ireland would be unlikely, but you can't help but hope. As I drop to my knees and pray, here's 10 things to know about Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan written in celebration of today's big Irish news...

1) He's just quit his job due to him being rubbish at it.

2) When he was head coach of Ireland Under-21s, he beat Clive Woodward's England Under-21s.

3) He achieved feck all since that heady day in 1996...

4) Well, aside from three triple crowns.

5) He nicked his job off of his former boss Warren Gatland.

6) The IRFU shouldn't have let him do it due to Gatland being much, much, better than him.

7) He was contracted until 2012, so he should get a payoff big enough to feed him in lobster tails until at least next Xmas.

8) He had it put in his contract that he could temporarily leave Ireland to coach the Lions. Mmmmwah ahah ha hah ha!

9) He hates brilliant Irishman Geordan Murphy, refuses to play him, hence he kept losing.

10) He looks like the unwanted love child of Glenn Hoddle and Neil Warnock.

BRRRREAKING NEWS! Martin Johnson to take up England post... but Ashton to stay?

I haven't got official confirmation of it yet, but as far as I understand 4898stone World Cup winning monster Martin Johnson is set to take an England role. That's fantastic news. But oddly, Ashton is set to stay, and the pair will work together (until the next cock up, when Ashton will finally get the boot, and Johnno will be allowed to go it alone).

Just what has Ashton got on Rob Andrew? My guess is photos of him sleeping with a goat - only something of that magnitude could explain his absolute fear of sacking him. However, this is no time for slagging Ashton, as I'm genuinely delighted England are calling on Johnson.

"There's no doubt that he's been approached," said BBC rugby union correspondent Ian Robertson earlier, "They are into deep negotiations now and I'm sure he will be appointed." Fantastic.

Welsh success is down to love birds Gatland and Edwards spending Valentines night together...

That Lib Dem MP and the uglier of the two Cheeky Girls - they're an odd couple. As are Danny Cipriani and the marginally better looking of the two Cheeky Girls. But no couple is odder than Wazza Gatland and his baldy babe Shaun Edwards.

Apparently the pair (neither of whom have an STD coincidentally) spent Valentines night together, and that (their biggest sacrifice for Wales) was key to winning the Six Nations in such style. While other people were out exchanging novelty cards then doing the ol' in / out / in / sigh / out / sleep, these two were discussing team tactics at a pivotal point of the campaign.

“The biggest sacrifice we had to make was Valentine’s evening," said Edwards today whilst still grinning from ear to ear. "We went to the local pub." Rubbish considering Edwards doesn't even drink! “I’m off the drink at the moment but he [Wazza] was having a pint. All these couples were gazing in each others’ eyes – and I was with him [Wazza]. Talking rugby. Those are the sorts of sacrifices you have to make.”

I wonder where Brian Ashton spent Valentines night? Down the pub with Rob Andrew? Wow, that'd be an awkward date...

Having won the Grand Slam, could Ospreys do a job for The Lions?

Who needs international teams when you've got Ospreys right? The Swansea club side may only be plonked at number seven in the league, but they've won the Six Nations and The Grand Slam. More than can be said for high flying Leinster! So should these international Ospreys side now be given thee chance to take on the southern hemisphere and tour in the proud red of the Lions?

Unsurprisingly probable Lions boss Wazza Gatland thinks they should. He's claiming a fat 13 Wales players should roar with the Lions, most of them coming from the Ospreys camp. “Out of a British Lions squad of 30 players," croaked the Kiwi, "Wales could expect to have 13 players and possibly more.” I'd actually say more as things stand right now. Hell, why not take the whole 30!

Could 183 stone monster Martin Johnson save England all over again?

Sir Martin Johnson MBE - he's right up there with Prince Phillip, OB from Hollyoaks, and The Hoffmeister bear in my all time favourite Englishman. He's taller than busses, wider than caves, stronger than a polar bear. Oh, and he's about to save English rugby for the second time in his glorious, glorious life.

The 39-year-old World Cup-winning beast is to meet the RFU's pointless director of elite rugby Rob Andrew within the next 48 hours. As Andrew once again dilly-dallies about making a decision on Ashton (is this deja vous or what?) Johnson will hopefully stamp his size 28 foot down and violently demand he be appointed as the new England gaffer. I for one, would weep with joy if this could happen. Particularly if he perhaps teamed up with Jake White, who could provide the older wiser head to go along side Johnson's remarkable leadership qualities.

Let me know what you think. Would you welcome Johnno back, or is it a job too far for his inexperience?