Scrumbag

Sir Clive Woodward thinks Lawrence Dallaglio should join the England coaching set up...

After spending the weekend trotting around with a fire on a stick / pissing off Tibetan folk, Sir Clive is pushing his luck once more on this snowy Monday morn. The RFU can't even sack Ashton and appoint Johnson let alone start thinking about further coaching staff. Despite that Britain's baldest knight has spouted in The Sun that he thinks Martin Johnson needs to appoint the likes of Lawrence Dallaglio in his coaching staff.

“What Martin needs is to have people around him with whom he can work with at this level but also relax with and enjoy the job with," said Sir Clive before getting a picture of him and the world cup out of his wallet to remind everyone just how great he is. "For example," he continued, "I would look at Mike Catt, Neil Back and Lawrence Dallaglio for definite because they have immense knowledge as well as experience. When I became head coach of England in 1997 I inherited a few people in my structure. They were quality people but being brutally honest I wouldn’t have chosen them, so they had to go. It was very difficult but I brought in Andy Robinson for example, not only a great coach but also a mate."

Interesting. But if Ashton is being squeezed into some kind of patronizing role within the coaching set up I can't see him wanting to work with the likes of Dallaglio or Catt. Too much water has passed under those particular bridges...

Why does nobody want to go and watch Scotland Vs New Zealand?

Saying Scottish rugby is in a bad way right now, is like saying, Glasgow deep fried pizzas taste like heaven (every bugger knows it, but is afraid to say it). Things are REALLY BAD however when you can't sell out a visit of the All Blacks.

Our Scottish chums are in fact now lowering ticket prices for the visit of the Kiwis to Murrayfield in the Autumn. The top price of a ticket has now been cut to just £50 and you can get in for a wee tenner. A bargain, and everyone within spitting distance of Scotland should try to snaffle a ticket.

Scottish Rugby Chief Executive Gordon McKie (good Scottish name) agrees. Och! “The visit of the All Blacks is always one of the highlights of any season," he chirped whilst tossing a caber, "and I’m delighted that Scottish Rugby has been able to price the match at a level that should help to attract supporters from all backgrounds. In addition to New Zealand, we’ll also have matches against the current world champions, South Africa; and the physical Canadians, where we’ll be looking for revenge having lost narrowly the last time we played them in Vancouver in 2002.”

Adult tickets for the New Zealand game are on sale at 9am, at £20, £30 and £50, with corresponding reductions for under-18s at £10, £15 and £25. Och indeed.

Having won the Grand Slam, could Ospreys do a job for The Lions?

Who needs international teams when you've got Ospreys right? The Swansea club side may only be plonked at number seven in the league, but they've won the Six Nations and The Grand Slam. More than can be said for high flying Leinster! So should these international Ospreys side now be given thee chance to take on the southern hemisphere and tour in the proud red of the Lions?

Unsurprisingly probable Lions boss Wazza Gatland thinks they should. He's claiming a fat 13 Wales players should roar with the Lions, most of them coming from the Ospreys camp. “Out of a British Lions squad of 30 players," croaked the Kiwi, "Wales could expect to have 13 players and possibly more.” I'd actually say more as things stand right now. Hell, why not take the whole 30!

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

Big fat hairy man in Wales sums up England's Six Nations woe quite aptly...

"There's nothing happening because your Tongan is not getting the ball." Enough said. Click play for the rest of this very funny and cutting Six Nations summary...

10 "old fashioned" words for Phil Vickery to describe England's Six Nations

After probably the worst England performance since 1980, embarrassed England skipper Phil "Not the TV Chef" Vickery snarled, “Some old-fashioned words have been spoken. I only hope I get a chance to play next week because Brian will make changes." Changes? With one game left? After it's all over for England? His timing is great!!!

“All week we spoke about our plans yet we turned in that display," continued Vickery whilst tutting and shaking his head a lot. "It was not good enough. We all know how bad things were and we are hurting.”

So what I want to know is with all these "old fashioned" words being bashed around, just what words were they? Here's my guess, but please chip in with your own ideas...

1) LAME
2) COMICAL
3) KENYALIKE
4) CIPRIANILESS
5) SHIT
6) CLUELESS
7) PREDICTABLE
8) UGHGHGHGH (that's a real word)
9) IHOPEJONNYISOkHELOOKSONTHEBRINKOFGOINGPOSTAL (that's a real word in the Welsh language)
10) ASHTONY

Let me know what words you think could work...

Ashton, Wilkinson, Vainikolo... OUT! OUT! OUT!

Ughghghgh. Firstly congratulations to Scotland, Wales and whoever won in that third game. Now, onto the business of England's truly inept display. Rob Andrew must surely now get around to what he almost had the balls to do last year... sack grandpa Ashton.

England have by far the most talented players in the Six Nations yet they are consistently playing like a bunch of confused grumpy school boys. Wales meanwhile looked terrible on paper going into this tournament and look beyond fantastic now - they're solid, determined, faster than ferrets and utterly deserving of the Grand Slam which they'll hopefully pick up. It doesn't take a rocket scientist's brain surgeon to work out this is down to bad man management (Ashton) and superb man management (Gatland).

So now it's time for Ashton to go. And surely he can take Jonny Wilks and Vainikolo with him. Of course Jonny can come back, but the man needs a break to re-find his form without all this pressure. I can't honestly ever remember a worst England performance. Seriously. Ever. If only Cipriani hadn't of been so outrageously wreckless in having that orange juice 57 hours before the big game. It could have been so very different...

Rant. Over.

Six Nations Predictions: Wales to go down fighting in Ireland...

Whether you're watching the games in a stadium, in the pub, rugby club or plonked on your sofa... there's some mouth watering action coming our way. Here's my predictions for this weekend's action. Let me know if you think I've got it right, or if I'm (as ever) talking out of my hole...

Ireland v Wales,
Saturday, 08 March 2008, 13:15
No doubt the tie of the weekend. I actually fear that off the field rubbish might scupper the Welsh here. The Gatland Vs O'Sullivan sideshow might distract from the players and Shaun Edwards seems more worried about his English Wasps star Cipriani right now. All that added to the Croke roar, and the Irish actually having a few superb players, it might be too much to handle. I'm sure it'll be extremely close, but I just think Ireland might nick it. Sorry guys.

Scotland v England
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:15
Will Ashton live to regret this Cipriani mess. Against any side but Scotland, I'd probably say yes. But the Scottish really are poor right now. Can't see anything but a dull England win here.

France v Italy
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:00
Expect more French lunacy, but I'm sure no matter how bonkers the team they'll be too much for Italy in France. The question is, will anyone actually care?

So let me know what you think the scores will be...

Shaun Edwards blasts Brian Ashton over Cipriani. (Can we call this mess Ciprianigate yet?)

Furious baldy Wasps coach Shaun Edwards has come out fighting this afternoon, claiming Ashton has got this Cipriani mess totally and utterly wrong. Oddly, despite The Six Nations firing up again in mere hours, Edwards still has his Wasps hat on, and boy is he pissed off. Edwards feels that full-back Danny Cipriani did nothing to warrant being axed from the England team by Brian Ashton. Frankly from what evidence I've seen he's totally right.

Maybe it could be argued Edwards is stirring up trouble for England to benefit Wales, but I personally don't think he'd do that. Well... probably not. He told BBC Radio 5 Live earlier, "In my eyes he has done nothing wrong. He wasn't drunk, didn't offend anyone and to me that's not a crime."

"Maybe he went out because he's only been used to the environment at Wasps where it would have been absolutely no problem," he continued. "It was his day off before the biggest game of his life and the last thing he wants to be thinking about is his rugby. I would actually encourage him to go out with his friends and relax. I'm not concerned about England, I'm just sticking up for my friend and player; and I don't think he's done anything wrong."

Six Nations shit lookalikes: Naughty Danny Cipriani and a thatched cottage

Never mind all that stuff he's been up to in night clubs, what's going on with his hair? Such a bouffant barnet is usrley excuse enough to boot him out of the Six Nations? What ever happened to rugby players having either a number one or (if they're feeling dandy) a number two all over?

Having won the Grand Slam, could Ospreys do a job for The Lions?

Who needs international teams when you've got Ospreys right? The Swansea club side may only be plonked at number seven in the league, but they've won the Six Nations and The Grand Slam. More than can be said for high flying Leinster! So should these international Ospreys side now be given thee chance to take on the southern hemisphere and tour in the proud red of the Lions?

Unsurprisingly probable Lions boss Wazza Gatland thinks they should. He's claiming a fat 13 Wales players should roar with the Lions, most of them coming from the Ospreys camp. “Out of a British Lions squad of 30 players," croaked the Kiwi, "Wales could expect to have 13 players and possibly more.” I'd actually say more as things stand right now. Hell, why not take the whole 30!

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

Big fat hairy man in Wales sums up England's Six Nations woe quite aptly...

"There's nothing happening because your Tongan is not getting the ball." Enough said. Click play for the rest of this very funny and cutting Six Nations summary...

10 "old fashioned" words for Phil Vickery to describe England's Six Nations

After probably the worst England performance since 1980, embarrassed England skipper Phil "Not the TV Chef" Vickery snarled, “Some old-fashioned words have been spoken. I only hope I get a chance to play next week because Brian will make changes." Changes? With one game left? After it's all over for England? His timing is great!!!

“All week we spoke about our plans yet we turned in that display," continued Vickery whilst tutting and shaking his head a lot. "It was not good enough. We all know how bad things were and we are hurting.”

So what I want to know is with all these "old fashioned" words being bashed around, just what words were they? Here's my guess, but please chip in with your own ideas...

1) LAME
2) COMICAL
3) KENYALIKE
4) CIPRIANILESS
5) SHIT
6) CLUELESS
7) PREDICTABLE
8) UGHGHGHGH (that's a real word)
9) IHOPEJONNYISOkHELOOKSONTHEBRINKOFGOINGPOSTAL (that's a real word in the Welsh language)
10) ASHTONY

Let me know what words you think could work...

Ashton, Wilkinson, Vainikolo... OUT! OUT! OUT!

Ughghghgh. Firstly congratulations to Scotland, Wales and whoever won in that third game. Now, onto the business of England's truly inept display. Rob Andrew must surely now get around to what he almost had the balls to do last year... sack grandpa Ashton.

England have by far the most talented players in the Six Nations yet they are consistently playing like a bunch of confused grumpy school boys. Wales meanwhile looked terrible on paper going into this tournament and look beyond fantastic now - they're solid, determined, faster than ferrets and utterly deserving of the Grand Slam which they'll hopefully pick up. It doesn't take a rocket scientist's brain surgeon to work out this is down to bad man management (Ashton) and superb man management (Gatland).

So now it's time for Ashton to go. And surely he can take Jonny Wilks and Vainikolo with him. Of course Jonny can come back, but the man needs a break to re-find his form without all this pressure. I can't honestly ever remember a worst England performance. Seriously. Ever. If only Cipriani hadn't of been so outrageously wreckless in having that orange juice 57 hours before the big game. It could have been so very different...

Rant. Over.

Six Nations Predictions: Wales to go down fighting in Ireland...

Whether you're watching the games in a stadium, in the pub, rugby club or plonked on your sofa... there's some mouth watering action coming our way. Here's my predictions for this weekend's action. Let me know if you think I've got it right, or if I'm (as ever) talking out of my hole...

Ireland v Wales,
Saturday, 08 March 2008, 13:15
No doubt the tie of the weekend. I actually fear that off the field rubbish might scupper the Welsh here. The Gatland Vs O'Sullivan sideshow might distract from the players and Shaun Edwards seems more worried about his English Wasps star Cipriani right now. All that added to the Croke roar, and the Irish actually having a few superb players, it might be too much to handle. I'm sure it'll be extremely close, but I just think Ireland might nick it. Sorry guys.

Scotland v England
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:15
Will Ashton live to regret this Cipriani mess. Against any side but Scotland, I'd probably say yes. But the Scottish really are poor right now. Can't see anything but a dull England win here.

France v Italy
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:00
Expect more French lunacy, but I'm sure no matter how bonkers the team they'll be too much for Italy in France. The question is, will anyone actually care?

So let me know what you think the scores will be...

Shaun Edwards blasts Brian Ashton over Cipriani. (Can we call this mess Ciprianigate yet?)

Furious baldy Wasps coach Shaun Edwards has come out fighting this afternoon, claiming Ashton has got this Cipriani mess totally and utterly wrong. Oddly, despite The Six Nations firing up again in mere hours, Edwards still has his Wasps hat on, and boy is he pissed off. Edwards feels that full-back Danny Cipriani did nothing to warrant being axed from the England team by Brian Ashton. Frankly from what evidence I've seen he's totally right.

Maybe it could be argued Edwards is stirring up trouble for England to benefit Wales, but I personally don't think he'd do that. Well... probably not. He told BBC Radio 5 Live earlier, "In my eyes he has done nothing wrong. He wasn't drunk, didn't offend anyone and to me that's not a crime."

"Maybe he went out because he's only been used to the environment at Wasps where it would have been absolutely no problem," he continued. "It was his day off before the biggest game of his life and the last thing he wants to be thinking about is his rugby. I would actually encourage him to go out with his friends and relax. I'm not concerned about England, I'm just sticking up for my friend and player; and I don't think he's done anything wrong."

Six Nations shit lookalikes: Naughty Danny Cipriani and a thatched cottage

Never mind all that stuff he's been up to in night clubs, what's going on with his hair? Such a bouffant barnet is usrley excuse enough to boot him out of the Six Nations? What ever happened to rugby players having either a number one or (if they're feeling dandy) a number two all over?

Infrared cameras reveal who grassed on Danny Cipriani

Have we got an exclusive for you. Scrumbag's miraculous NIGHT-O-VISION® cameras can exclusively reveal just who grassed Danny Cipriani up to Brian Ashton. If you haven't heard, Cipriani has been booted out of the England squad after going to a night club last night. The original photo of Danny allegedly out on the lash is dark and inconclusive, but look at the same photo through our NIGHT-O-VISION® filter and there's a shocking revalation. Oh Jonny. No. No Jonny. Not you Jonny. I know your place is under threat, but grassing up a team mate? That's bad Jonny. Real bad.

Naughty Cipriani dumped by England, as Brian Ashton amazingly brings back Balshaw...

Just as we'd finished celebrating his inclusion in the side at long last, this statement has just been released by the RFU...

"Further to inappropriate behaviour last night by England and London Wasps back Danny Cipriani, England Head Coach Brian Ashton has decided to replace him in the starting XV for Saturday’s RBS 6 Nations fixture against Scotland with Gloucester Rugby's Iain Balshaw. Charlie Hodgson of Sale Sharks has been added to the bench. Danny Cipriani will not travel with England to Scotland. No further disciplinary action will be taken against Danny but he has been warned and advised about his future conduct."

Balls! So what the hell did Danny do? 89 year old England Head Coach Brian Ashton has already said: “I’ve taken the decision regarding Danny and the matter is now closed. I will keep an open mind on selecting him for future games.” We'll let you know the second we hear any more...