Scrumbag

Yet another World Cup winner retires from the game

The RFU are going to be running out of gold clocks at this rate. Yesterday another England rugby World Cup legend died retired. Yes Sarries bloke Richard Hill has announced his retirement from professional rugby at the end of this season.

So that's Hill, Back, Dallagliom Jason Robinson, Will Greenwood, Matt Dawson, Trevor Woodman and captain Martin Johnson - all dead retired. All legends.

Hill won 71 England caps and was arguably one of the finest back-row forwards in Test history. He toured three times with The Lions, and has actually been in quite good form for Sarries this year despite being officially ancient.

Scrumbag wishes you good luck Rich with whatever you choose to do next in your career (we hear it's posing for photographs dressed like you've just got a degree when you actually haven't... you wacky prankster!)

And the Winners Are... South Africa!

Well done the Bokke! South Africa are the new world champeens after turning over pre-match predictions that Eddie Jones would finally earn his rands as attack coach. It wasn't to be, but 4 Percy Montgomery penalties and 1 Frans Steyn effort put the game out of reach of England. A try by Mark Cueto after a searing break by Mat Tait just after half time was disallowed for being too close to call, or something.

The excellent Victor Matfield won Man of the Match for winning back loads of ball at the line-out after his team had kicked it out, and Butch James and Percy Montgomery also put in great performances. Bryan Habana never saw the ball, unfortunately. Kudos to Alain Rolland for keeping all 30 players on the pitch, despite shouting "Get your hands off! Get your hands off, number six!" until he was more or less hoarse.

Er... that's it!

[Apologies to Rudi Voeller and Lothar Matthaeus for implying that the World Cup-winning German football team of 1990 were on the tedious side!]

So Just How Good Are... England?

Crap? A one man band? An embarrassment for the global game? Totally out of their depth? Grandad's Army? Lucky? Fatally underrated by a bunch of people who just hate England, are looking at their form a month ago and hoping that they can't do it?

Possibly all of these. One thing you won't have heard from England over the last month is arrogance; they are, to a man, humble about their achievement in reaching the final from the depths of failure over the last 4 years, the fruitless changes in coaching staff, playing personnel, aimless and ineffective tactics. Which all led to a 36-0 nightmare against South Africa.

Now, 36 days and 4 games later, England are back in front of the same team who humiliated them. Question is: how likely are they to get munted again tonight?

Let's take a look at the match-ups...

Set piece
England had Australia on toast. Possibly because it would be more difficult to put a knife through butter. France were sized up, fronted and then dispatched - thinking back to the scrum on the French 5 metre line after 10 minutes when Nick Easter lost control of the ball at his feet, there's enough power in the English pack to achieve parity with a Springbok front five which had trouble with the Pumas getting in underneath. As always, refereeing will be an issue: Alain Rolland has a shaky understanding of the power struggle at best. Best keep the tactics simple. Mark Regan could be a diamond, keeping the pressure up on the units opposite; John Smith will be wound up very tight. In the line-out, the question is whether Benny Kay and Simon Shaw can match the Bokke's aerial strength. Lewis Moody and Easter provide options at the tail.

Breakdown
A number of back rows have been touted as invincible so far this tournament. Australia, then New Zealand came and were blasted off the field by hard tackling, suicidal work rates and canny counter-rucking. South Africa look balanced between silky skill and brutality. England's starting trio of Corry, Moody and Easter are seen as poor cousins (not kissing cousins, Schalkie!), but they're capable of imposing a different game to the vertical movement of the Bok back row. There's no doubting that Burger is a barely controlled force, but Lewis Moody is purely psychotic as soon as he pulls the white jersey on; he'll chase every lost cause, use his face to make a tap tackle. Commitment is everything in finals, and both second rows will be firing into the rucks; Kay and Shaw are bigger men than their opposite numbers, and will shift bodies. Neither team has a "fetcher" type 7, so speed and willingness to take a few hits will really count. Danie Roussouw, virtually unsung (and well battered) so far, could be the calm, calculating influence that England really need to keep under wraps.

Defence
Say what you want about their ability to score points - who knows, you might even be right - but since 'that' night in Paris, England haven't shipped points easily, to better runners than the South Africans have. People tend to presume that the outside backs will be a revolving door, but Mat Tait, Paul Sackey and even Jason Robinson have had the opposition well in hand. Mark Cueto is coming in from cold; given Josh Lewsey's count of slipped tackles in the last three months, the Manc might even be an improvement.

Half backs
Fourie du Preez is the class act out of the starting 30 tonight. Andy Gomarsall's task is simple; put him in the shade. Keep a lid on the ambition, keep your head up, eyes wide open and take the right option. There's space behind the rush defence and it's up to Gomars, in concert with the rear five of the pack to pick their way through and keep the pressure on the Bokke. At fly-half, two very similar propositions: Wilkinson shades it on reputation, but he'll have a very physical presence opposite him, hoping for the opportunity to establish who the daddy is. Maybe Wilko should be looking to make a statement himself; most of Springbok ball to the backs has gone to Butch and then been booted downfield, so that trademark Wilkinson physicality in defence that put Pelous on the sidelines would be very handy tonight. In attack, lots of delays and short passes to gaps on the gain line, keep the Bokke honest.

Runners
The media are incapable of seeing past Habana and Robinson. But there's a lot more out there on the pitch. Apart from some very mobile forwards - Shaw, Moody, Easter and Sheridan - the backs are a pick and mix of nous and pace. The centres look well matched: old Saffer against young one at 12, speed merchants who pick good lines at 13. In the wings, you can either believe all the hype about England giving up and going home, or do what Paul Sackey does and back himself. 0.2 of a second slower over the 100 he might be, but what's the point in worrying about a straight foot race? Just don't throw Habana the ball like the Argentinians did. Cueto's lack of match fitness could be an issue, but that means Tait out to left wing after 60 minutes, Hipkiss into outside centre. For ability, not much to choose.

Kicking
Unless Eddie Jones has bet the farm on taking a risk a la England in the 1991 final, the Bokke will be putting boot to every ball within their own half. England need to have their kicking heads on tonight and execute perfectly. NZ provided a lesson in getting drawn into an aimless kicking contest; the left boot of Wilkinson and the right of Catt, plus the brains of both, will be whirring to find the right solutions. Lewsey's try in the semi shows that there are footballers all over the pitch; Sackey would rather play for Charlton Athletic and Cueto is - well, he's northern. There's a perpetual worry over Jason Robinson's clearances, but he's the ultimate professional and has looked solid so far. Penalties and drops? I wonder which Wilko will turn up tonight at the dead ball. Last week's poor return will have had him practising even more than usual.

Bench
The great thing about being perceived as a talentless bunch of individuals is that you don't really have a first and second 15. All the squad will have bought into the mission that started after the final whistle 36 days back. Any change, except maybe at 10, 7 or 15, will be more a change of style than of substance. Yes, I don't fancy Dallaglio running Habana down to stop a game-winning try in the 79th minute, but I fancy him to hand Schalk Burger his backside on a plate for the last 20. Matt Stevens will give something extra against a frankly shoddy replacement Bok front row. Pete Richards is the same calibre of sub as Ruan Pienaar.

The Tactics

Butch and Sundance. Unless you just can't bring yourself to admit that it's an amazing comeback story, you should be looking forward to a team which is - still - perceived as very limited playing right on the edge of their lack of ability. Eddie Jones dissembled when asked this week about strategy; Brian Ashton said "well, what's the point?". No kidology necessary. It'll be a massive frontal assault, big men trying to bust holes close in, counter-rucking and spoiling anything that goes to the deck, niggling, getting South African faces, keeping it tight to avoid the interception menace that has been a massive source of Springbok points. All the pressure is on the Boks. England will play to keep it there.

England team for the Final:

Jason Robinson; Paul Sackey, Mathew Tait, Mike Catt, Mark Cueto; Jonny Wilkinson, Andy Gomarsall; Andrew Sheridan, Mark Regan, Phil Vickery (c); Simon Shaw, Ben Kay; Martin Corry, Lewis Moody, Nick Easter

Bench: George Chuter, Matt Stevens, Lawrence Dallaglio, Joe Worsley, Peter Richards, Toby Flood, Danny Hipkiss

Tenuous England-themed Rugby World Cup gadgets a go-go!

With the Rugby World Cup just around the corner it's time to look at merchandising, cash-ins and tenuous links between the England XV and consumer electronics brands. That could rather a gruelling job, so it's fortunate that our buddies over at Tech Digest have done the hard work for us. Phew.

Head on over there now to check out the Top 5 gadgets to help our boys, gawd bless 'em. Saffers are allowed to look as well, but I doubt they'll want to buy any of 'em.

The Springboks: Do They Have The Steel?

Shaw, Corry, Gomersall and Sackey or Matfield, Burger, du Preez and Habana?  Even a rugby novice blindfolded and gagged with his/her hands stuck in tar and coated in coconut wouldn't have any trouble in somehow communicating that these match ups on paper strongly lie in favour of the Springboks.

Man for man (with the exception of the English front row and a certain bronzed blondini at number 10), it is obvious to all (discounting Stephen Jones and any other England supporter reading this of course) that South Africa have it over Engerland in spades.  For a start, they know how to score tries.  Secondly, they have a drop goal specialist to rival Jonny in the form of the young but ever so precocious Francois Steyn.  Old Percy Montgomery isn't exactly a Ford Cortina yet either and seems to have rediscovered his white moment in the tournament, slotting over a fair few points in metronomic fashion.

Even discounting the Springbok's ability to scavenge at the breakdown and steal prize possession off lineouts thanks to two of the best locks in world rugby today, the Boks also have one other vital ingredient that England lacks.  A rushing defence and vision of the game that can intercept and upset any attack in motion to create points from nothing and turn a game on its head.

So on paper - it all looks good for the Bokke.  But, as this world cup has shown time and again: 'on paper' means nothing when it comes to crunch day.  The South African's main fear must be the easy run that have had thus far in the tournament.  Sure, they embarrassed a scoreless England only a month earlier.  Their toughest match was a firing Tongan side, but from here the run has been relatively easy and even the most fanatical Bok supporter would have to admit that Jake's crew haven't exactly been tested or required to go up the next gear.

England on the other hand has been down to the wire playing finals rugby for weeks now.  In this short but ever so long month, they have suffocated and disposed of Tonga, Samoa, Australia and hosts France through traditional stick it up the jumper rugby that doesn't exactly set the world alight but certainly is effective.  With Wilko back and Robinson's miraculous recovery from his hammy injury the red rose battalion have finally found the soul they've been lacking for years.  Sheridan helps too.  The man is a giant and already the mind games have started with the Springbok camp claiming the thick set one 'doesn't scrum straight.  He goes into the side of the tight-head'.

Sheridan needn't worry because whether he legally or illegally scrummages, C J Van Der Linde will be the poor cousin to the Bromley born behemoth.  And this is where the Springboks could come unstuck.  If England gain parity up front (almost a certainty) and manage to ruffle a few untested Springbok feathers, the wheels could start coming off in the breakdown, the backline and all.  Steyn is young, Os is old, Butch is erratic and Percy doesn't like having his hair messed.  Burger could see red and get red.

Compare this to England.  Vickery, Kay, Robinson and Catt all know about finals rugby.  Wilkinson takes the cool out of cucumber, then freezes it, slips it in his G&T and has it for breakfast.  Ashton's lot: they've been there.  They've done the business and they know what it takes to win when the pressure mounts.

So even if South Africa can be the team to run circles around the Moodys, the Worsleys and the bludgeoning English style of play, the question remains as to whether they have the mental capacity to do so after Jonny has landed yet another field goal in the dying minutes of the 2007 Rugby World Cup final.  If the Boks can do what the French and Wallabies couldn't muster, by getting one over the Northern Hemisphere dark horses in matters of the mind - then John Smit will rightly deserve to hold the Rugby World Cup for 2007 high.  But whether they have the steel?  Time will tell.

So Just How Good Are... South Africa?

The best attacking backline in world rugby? The biggest, fastest back row? A team of world class players?  The smartest coaching team? Unshakeably confident?

The Springboks glide into this weekend's Rugby World Cup final as though they were always supposed to be there. They hardly seemed to break sweat in putting 37 points on the Pumas last Sunday and they're talking as though all they need to do is turn to repeat the 36-0 poll stage drubbing of the poor pommies. "We will inflict the same punishment on them again." said team manager Zola Yeye, "Some people say I am overconfident, but we are playing in the final a team we have already beaten." Yeah, yeah... but does he have a right to be so confident?

Set piece
When rugby journalists sit down at their laptop to write an piece about the Boks, they thumb through the rugby writer's handbook of clichés to South Africa and take the first word off the page: beef. Hell, I've done it myself, keeps editors happy. A front row of Os du Randt, John Smit and CJ van der Linde is effective. OK, so the Argentinian bajada got right under them last weekend, but they're facing bigger men this weekend and it'll be a goods yard shunting contest. South Africa won't be looking to put the scrums down when they feel they can compete. It should be a test of Andy Sheridan's technique and strength holding van der Linde straight, and Os du Randt will grind hard into Phil Vickery to make sure his legs are shot for the loose. In the line-outs, look no further than Vic Matfield; nobody does it better. Makes you feel sad for Ben Kay.

Breakdown
The mother of all match-ups. Ladies' man Juan Smith - 6 year old's haircut and all - flanked by the madness of Schalk Burger. Burger's febrile temperament is a management nightmare; you want him just pumped enough to lay waste to the opposition, but not get sent off. If Argentina can get him pulled when South Africa are up by 20 points, it'll be a lot easier for Mark Regan and Nick Easter to bring the Hulk out in a close match. Technically, the Springbok back row do a great job of getting their heads over the ball quickly, particularly when they're marching forwards. 3 big guys, 2 of whom have excellent handling skills. Helped out regularly with the digging work by the second row and the centres - otherwise underemployed - England will be wanting to keep the ball off the deck and 50/50 situations.

Defence
Pressure defence. Anything round the fringes gets hoovered up by the rear five or Fourie du Preez; how many other sides have been hassled into shifting the ball away from the scrum or ruck when the pass isn't on, only to see Habana snaffle an intercept and streak away? The midfield unit keep it pretty tight and rely on the pace of the back three to catch up with breakaways. SA haven't been particularly impressive when scrambling, but then again, they've established such control on the gain line that they don't need to be.

Half backs
Tale of two halves. Fourie du Preez came into the tournament with the experts in South African rugby rating him higher than Joost and has put that talent on show; Butch James came in with the tag "big but limited", and has applied himself to show a pretty keen tactical brain. Du Preez is a handful behind a pack in control and has to be wrapped up as quickly as possible to stop him making the yards or shifting the ball away to the right point so that the Bokke can keep rolling, he's the creative relish in the meat sandwich. The English back row and Andy Gomarsall will be living in the penalty zone just to close him down, or they'll lose. An oft-repeated statistic (by me) is that Butch James only passed to his centres twice in 60 minutes against the USA. The USA! No one can accuse him of having a wide-ranging brief. Make your tackles, kick the skin off the ball in your own half, find the corners. Thing is, he can do those things very well.

Runners
La unica fruta del amor es la Habana. Or words to that effect. Eddie Jones has altered the Boks' tactics to give the quick man the ball in the pocket behind the pack, then explode through traffic; nobody better at it in world rugby at the moment, not even Jason Robinson. JP Pietersen has the legs on Mark Cueto and Mat Tait. If Jake White and Eddie have shifted tactics slightly to make this a wide game - unlikely, but it would scupper England's preparation - the South African wings are the weapons. Frans Steyn is growing, both physically and into his role as first creator, and slips tackles. Up front, Danie Roussouw picks his way through traffic well and Vic Matfield pops up in the most unlikely places. Athletes all. Fourie du Preez's sniping threat could be the big danger though.

Kicking
Forget the bullshit about England being a bunch of boring territory merchants. The Springboks are the daddies of it. in the pool match, South Africa were on the money every time with their tactical kicks. Butchie for the bombs, the raking touch-finders from halfway, Percy for the place kicks and the clearances, Fourie for the box kicks. And you can't forget Frans for the drop kicks; England and Australia certainly won't.

Bench
Pretty rubbish, to be honest. Ruan Pienaar apart, every position is a poor substitute for the first team. Jake White says that Wickus van Heerden is the same sort of player as Schalk. Same sort, but nowhere near the same quality. The du Pressis brothers are solid but unimpressive. Andre Pretorius has comprehensively screwed the pooch as a replacement in this World Cup, from kicking to bringing his backs into the game. Wynand Olivier? Steak haché.

The Tactics

Command and control. Soak up the English pressure, put them back down in their own 22 and then either snaffle turnover/ interception ball or create a position in the red zone from which you can pressure 3 or 5 points. I know that any number of supposedly serious commentators in serious newspapers are saying that the Bokke are a complete rugby team and that a win for them would be the best thing for rugby, but an objective reviewing of their matches - which I've done - hasn't suggested that they're going to do an England in 1991 and start running the ball in the final. Like England 16 years ago, they've got the firepower out wide - read Rory Underwood for Bryan Habana and be charitable to Jaque Fourie by comparing him with Jeremy Guscott - but are they likely to depend on it? No. It's the boot, then the bosh. And it could well work wonders.

South Africa team for the Final:

Percy Montgomery; JP Pietersen, Jaque Fourie, Francois Steyn, Bryan Habana; Butch James, Fourie du Preez; Os du Randt, John Smit (c), CJ van der Linde; Bakkies Botha, Victor Matfield; Schalk Burger, Juan Smith, Danie Roussouw

Bench: Bismarck du Plessis, Jannie du Plessis, Johannes Muller, Wickus van Heerden, Ruan Pienaar, Andre Pretorius, Wynand Olivier

Rugby World Cup: Payback

As the sun comes up over the Champ de Mars on a hazy Autumn morning, you'd be hard pressed to find the trail of failure on the "hard" side of the World Cup draw. A few white shirts drifting about, sleep-deprived and euphoric, below the Eiffel Tower; a half marathon about to start; a huge inflatable rugby ball with New Zealand emblazoned on the side sitting on the grass in front of the Ecole Militaire like some giant kid has run in for tea and left it there. No real hint of the semi-final crunch that took place 5 miles north last night.

But one side of the draw has been distilled down to a single team: England. The pool stages have come and gone, Australia and New Zealand disposed of. The host nation was locked on to make this a national party for 60 million people. All the recent history pointed to it: Six Nations title, two assured warm-up wins over the old enemy, home advantage, a win over naive New Zealand under their belts. All they needed to do was negotiate a match against a side who only a few weeks back had recorded a big fat zero in Paris. A desperately limited team who were already way out beyond anyone's expectations.

But top-level sport isn't about history, rankings, reputations: it's about the here and now. Forget the pathetic bile dressed up as expert analysis coming from has-beens whose country last won the Cup 20 years ago, 8 years before everyone else went professional and when Mat Tait was 3 months old. Some people just like rugby where one side rolls over and mews softly while the other lot set about them in such dashing style that you don't know whether to look at the scoreboard or award them marks out of 10 for impression.

And some don't. After the French had showed the All Blacks up for being a disjunctive team of individual talent with no settled midfield and no Plan B, they were looking to do the same to England. It's a bit like the old rock, scissors, paper game - Australia were always going to play scissors, and it was just for England to make like a rock. France knew that the All Blacks' effort would be founded on their granite pack, so they wrapped it up. When the cutting edge came out, it wasn't enough and it was too late; the French were able to blunt the effort. Yesterday was much harder to call. In the end, rock met rock and paper met paper. Josh Lewsey's opportunistic try after 1 minute apart, each side read the other's next move perfectly and it came down to a late French lapse and piece of English opportunism to decide matters.

It was some match. Coming back to the article we linked to above, you have to wonder whether some people actually watched it before passing comment. "The whole notion of 'total rugby', in which backs and forwards are interchangable as runners and passers, a style the southern hemisphere countries have been trying to develop, seems to be nonsense." Really? Even if you don't remember the cut-out pass spilled by Phil Vickery, Wilkinson's tackle on Fabien Pelous that forced the big man to leave the field, the cross-kick batted in-field basketball style by Julien Bonnaire, the scything tackle by Thierry Dusautoir on Lewsey, you might remember Simon Shaw pacing 20 metres up the blindside before having the ball stripped in the tackle, Lewis Moody tapping down Beauxis' chip and cutting diagonally to the French 22 before offloading to Danny Hipkiss, Joe Worsley's vital tap on Clerc. For skills, what about Jean-Bap Elissalde's outrageous, no-look, 30 yard reverse pass into the hands of his fly-half? As a display of total rugby, there haven't been many better in this World Cup. And let's face it, any match outside the Cup is of academic interest only.

And as a display of total commitment, a style the northern hemisphere countries have actually developed, it was immense. You can knock it all you want, but the intensity and speed of every play, every collision, every ruck was worthy of a place in the final. No need for high hits or cynical tricks, which would have slowed the game down from a level that both sides wanted to attain.

Every English supporter must be shocked that their team has made it to the final; the players are. How do you explain the turnaround? Let's go back to Captain Kirk.

"England's approach to the World Cup has made a mockery of the meticulous and detailed preparation which teams like the All Blacks and the Wallabies have undertaken. England came into this World Cup with no settled team, virtually no world-class players, poor form, no clear game-plan and, as far and I and most other observers were concerned, no hope. They have shown that none of this matters if you are big and try hard. It is not quite as simple as that, but it is not far wrong."

You missed out the vital ingredient, mate. Being big and trying hard doesn't work. Ask Jerry Collins, who disappeared after folding up under Dusautoir's tackle, or Schalk Burger in the last 20 minutes of the Fiji game. You need balls, big ones. Both teams had them, but England's were bigger in the final analysis. As assistant trainer Jacques Brunel said, "Even if we succeeded in getting back on top fairly quickly [after Lewsey's try], we were holding off afterwards, being too hesitant. That timidity lost us the match. The English just knew how to close out the game better."

France were undeserving losers and England deserving winners. If the scoreboard had ended up 14-9 in the French team's favour, there would have been no whingeing. Jonathan Kaplan got a few things wrong, missed a few forward passes, penalised the wrong man sometimes, but it's all in the bounce of the oval ball; on another day, the decisions would go the other way.

The second semi-final tonight is billed as a mismatch, but who knows? South Africa have flattered to deceive with the ball out wide against Tonga and Fiji and eventually reverted to the steamroller to survive. Not-total rugby, so to speak. The Springboks are confident that they'll win tight games, but seem to be surprised to be in them. Argentina have played and mastered the French, Irish and Scottish when the Six Nations sides took route one; they've got more talent in a tactical game. They play to win for each other. And as England showed last night, when you've been written off and you're just fighting for a bit of pride and the guy beside you, that's a potent recipe for success. Game on.

The Kiwi Column: Get Over It NZ

While Wayne Barnes lounges out the rest of the Rugby World Cup sipping pina coladas on a beach somewhere in New Caledonia (weak attempt at joke in face of ravaged depression), factions of the New Zealand media and a minority of the New Zealand public continue to glower away at the IRB Cronies Club 'robbing' the All Blacks of their rightful march into the semi-finals.

Now let's get this straight.  France was a better team on the night (by two whole points).  Their defence was outstanding and as much as it grates to acknowledge Bernard Laporte had one over Graham Henry in terms of planning, team selection and strategy; I have to admit the bespectacled, soon to be right wing sports minister with the egg shaped head did indeed win the brains trust award over our Ted.

Contrary to popular belief at Fairfax NZ, talkback radio and the smattering of kiwi redneck representation on various websites across the internet, the All Blacks did not lose due to French hands in the ruck, the forward pass, the 28 year old ref (whose dreams of visiting Hobbiton will now never be) or the yellow card.  It went wrong for New Zealand because the men in grey (another hat tip to Bernie - the All Navy/All Black shirt fiasco was a stroke of genius) were out-passioned, outmuscled in the face of rabid French defence and at the end of the day, out thought by Les Bleus.

If the world quarterfinals were played out as a best of three, no doubt the All Blacks would have won a few more than just the one world cup title.  But it isn't a double round robin competition and sad to say for all kiwis, the All Blacks are crap at knock out tournaments.  The main accusation fondly pointed out by many a gloating northerner is that they choke in the big matches.  While I'm not denying they choke - there is another glaring omission from their team game.

World Cups are not won on open, free running rugby.  The finals are low scoring narrow matches that always go down to the wire.  The final scoreboard is usually in favour of the team with the best defence, best discipline and wait for it - the best drop goal specialist.  Pressure is everything and most teams with everything to lose and any semblance of competence will be able to nullify an attack when the chips are down.

One of the big failings in New Zealand's game plan was believing they had the attack to run riot over the French and so therefore would not have to rely on a drop goal at a crucial point of the match.  Looking at New Zealand's drop goal specialist stocks you would have to agree that Ted didn't put much faith in them.  Dan Carter has managed just the one in his All Black career.  Aaron Mauger, although a little more proven in Super 14 with the boot wasn't much use to anyone considering he was on the sideline having a wee blub when McAlister finally decided to take the 50m droppie option, which was A) not that bright but B) would have been a stroke of genius if he had managed to get it over.

Even if the All Blacks had managed to beat France, there was always going to be the boot of Steyn or Contemponi to deal with further down the line.  So for a team that has seen a great era and introduced the likes of rotation policies, offloading perfection, condition programmes, second string sides, strength in depth, Kapa o Pango and Choking to the rugby lexicon, they came undone in the simple matter  when they neglected to add to their collection a person who could bring their drop goal boots to the tournament. 

And to the moaners of NZ society who god forbid will still be whining on like those English football supporters and their Maradona 'hand of god' incident in years to come - some words of advice: cry a river, build a bridge and get over it.  Four more years?  Four more beers more like.  I'm off to get one - after all, there's more to life than the rugger.

France v England: Get the Shotgun, Ma

Just in case anyone had forgotten what France can do with the ball in hand, here's a clip from the Twickenham warm up. A patient build-up with some superb passing between... ah sod it, it's that Chabal bloke raging over your line again. Video nasty.

Forget Crocs: Accessorize like an AB

Fresh off the Cardiff catwalk, this season's hot new accessory in Aotearoa...

Props to our colleagues at Catwalk Queen and the full frontal haka to Alison Kervin who made it all possible: check out her new book, The Wag's Diary, available at all good booksellers etc..

So Just How Good Are... England?

Crap? A one man band? An embarrassment for the global game? Totally out of their depth? Grandad's Army? Lucky? Fatally underrated by a bunch of people who just hate England, are looking at their form a month ago and hoping that they can't do it?

Possibly all of these. One thing you won't have heard from England over the last month is arrogance; they are, to a man, humble about their achievement in reaching the final from the depths of failure over the last 4 years, the fruitless changes in coaching staff, playing personnel, aimless and ineffective tactics. Which all led to a 36-0 nightmare against South Africa.

Now, 36 days and 4 games later, England are back in front of the same team who humiliated them. Question is: how likely are they to get munted again tonight?

Let's take a look at the match-ups...

Set piece
England had Australia on toast. Possibly because it would be more difficult to put a knife through butter. France were sized up, fronted and then dispatched - thinking back to the scrum on the French 5 metre line after 10 minutes when Nick Easter lost control of the ball at his feet, there's enough power in the English pack to achieve parity with a Springbok front five which had trouble with the Pumas getting in underneath. As always, refereeing will be an issue: Alain Rolland has a shaky understanding of the power struggle at best. Best keep the tactics simple. Mark Regan could be a diamond, keeping the pressure up on the units opposite; John Smith will be wound up very tight. In the line-out, the question is whether Benny Kay and Simon Shaw can match the Bokke's aerial strength. Lewis Moody and Easter provide options at the tail.

Breakdown
A number of back rows have been touted as invincible so far this tournament. Australia, then New Zealand came and were blasted off the field by hard tackling, suicidal work rates and canny counter-rucking. South Africa look balanced between silky skill and brutality. England's starting trio of Corry, Moody and Easter are seen as poor cousins (not kissing cousins, Schalkie!), but they're capable of imposing a different game to the vertical movement of the Bok back row. There's no doubting that Burger is a barely controlled force, but Lewis Moody is purely psychotic as soon as he pulls the white jersey on; he'll chase every lost cause, use his face to make a tap tackle. Commitment is everything in finals, and both second rows will be firing into the rucks; Kay and Shaw are bigger men than their opposite numbers, and will shift bodies. Neither team has a "fetcher" type 7, so speed and willingness to take a few hits will really count. Danie Roussouw, virtually unsung (and well battered) so far, could be the calm, calculating influence that England really need to keep under wraps.

Defence
Say what you want about their ability to score points - who knows, you might even be right - but since 'that' night in Paris, England haven't shipped points easily, to better runners than the South Africans have. People tend to presume that the outside backs will be a revolving door, but Mat Tait, Paul Sackey and even Jason Robinson have had the opposition well in hand. Mark Cueto is coming in from cold; given Josh Lewsey's count of slipped tackles in the last three months, the Manc might even be an improvement.

Half backs
Fourie du Preez is the class act out of the starting 30 tonight. Andy Gomarsall's task is simple; put him in the shade. Keep a lid on the ambition, keep your head up, eyes wide open and take the right option. There's space behind the rush defence and it's up to Gomars, in concert with the rear five of the pack to pick their way through and keep the pressure on the Bokke. At fly-half, two very similar propositions: Wilkinson shades it on reputation, but he'll have a very physical presence opposite him, hoping for the opportunity to establish who the daddy is. Maybe Wilko should be looking to make a statement himself; most of Springbok ball to the backs has gone to Butch and then been booted downfield, so that trademark Wilkinson physicality in defence that put Pelous on the sidelines would be very handy tonight. In attack, lots of delays and short passes to gaps on the gain line, keep the Bokke honest.

Runners
The media are incapable of seeing past Habana and Robinson. But there's a lot more out there on the pitch. Apart from some very mobile forwards - Shaw, Moody, Easter and Sheridan - the backs are a pick and mix of nous and pace. The centres look well matched: old Saffer against young one at 12, speed merchants who pick good lines at 13. In the wings, you can either believe all the hype about England giving up and going home, or do what Paul Sackey does and back himself. 0.2 of a second slower over the 100 he might be, but what's the point in worrying about a straight foot race? Just don't throw Habana the ball like the Argentinians did. Cueto's lack of match fitness could be an issue, but that means Tait out to left wing after 60 minutes, Hipkiss into outside centre. For ability, not much to choose.

Kicking
Unless Eddie Jones has bet the farm on taking a risk a la England in the 1991 final, the Bokke will be putting boot to every ball within their own half. England need to have their kicking heads on tonight and execute perfectly. NZ provided a lesson in getting drawn into an aimless kicking contest; the left boot of Wilkinson and the right of Catt, plus the brains of both, will be whirring to find the right solutions. Lewsey's try in the semi shows that there are footballers all over the pitch; Sackey would rather play for Charlton Athletic and Cueto is - well, he's northern. There's a perpetual worry over Jason Robinson's clearances, but he's the ultimate professional and has looked solid so far. Penalties and drops? I wonder which Wilko will turn up tonight at the dead ball. Last week's poor return will have had him practising even more than usual.

Bench
The great thing about being perceived as a talentless bunch of individuals is that you don't really have a first and second 15. All the squad will have bought into the mission that started after the final whistle 36 days back. Any change, except maybe at 10, 7 or 15, will be more a change of style than of substance. Yes, I don't fancy Dallaglio running Habana down to stop a game-winning try in the 79th minute, but I fancy him to hand Schalk Burger his backside on a plate for the last 20. Matt Stevens will give something extra against a frankly shoddy replacement Bok front row. Pete Richards is the same calibre of sub as Ruan Pienaar.

The Tactics

Butch and Sundance. Unless you just can't bring yourself to admit that it's an amazing comeback story, you should be looking forward to a team which is - still - perceived as very limited playing right on the edge of their lack of ability. Eddie Jones dissembled when asked this week about strategy; Brian Ashton said "well, what's the point?". No kidology necessary. It'll be a massive frontal assault, big men trying to bust holes close in, counter-rucking and spoiling anything that goes to the deck, niggling, getting South African faces, keeping it tight to avoid the interception menace that has been a massive source of Springbok points. All the pressure is on the Boks. England will play to keep it there.

England team for the Final:

Jason Robinson; Paul Sackey, Mathew Tait, Mike Catt, Mark Cueto; Jonny Wilkinson, Andy Gomarsall; Andrew Sheridan, Mark Regan, Phil Vickery (c); Simon Shaw, Ben Kay; Martin Corry, Lewis Moody, Nick Easter

Bench: George Chuter, Matt Stevens, Lawrence Dallaglio, Joe Worsley, Peter Richards, Toby Flood, Danny Hipkiss

Tenuous England-themed Rugby World Cup gadgets a go-go!

With the Rugby World Cup just around the corner it's time to look at merchandising, cash-ins and tenuous links between the England XV and consumer electronics brands. That could rather a gruelling job, so it's fortunate that our buddies over at Tech Digest have done the hard work for us. Phew.

Head on over there now to check out the Top 5 gadgets to help our boys, gawd bless 'em. Saffers are allowed to look as well, but I doubt they'll want to buy any of 'em.

The Springboks: Do They Have The Steel?

Shaw, Corry, Gomersall and Sackey or Matfield, Burger, du Preez and Habana?  Even a rugby novice blindfolded and gagged with his/her hands stuck in tar and coated in coconut wouldn't have any trouble in somehow communicating that these match ups on paper strongly lie in favour of the Springboks.

Man for man (with the exception of the English front row and a certain bronzed blondini at number 10), it is obvious to all (discounting Stephen Jones and any other England supporter reading this of course) that South Africa have it over Engerland in spades.  For a start, they know how to score tries.  Secondly, they have a drop goal specialist to rival Jonny in the form of the young but ever so precocious Francois Steyn.  Old Percy Montgomery isn't exactly a Ford Cortina yet either and seems to have rediscovered his white moment in the tournament, slotting over a fair few points in metronomic fashion.

Even discounting the Springbok's ability to scavenge at the breakdown and steal prize possession off lineouts thanks to two of the best locks in world rugby today, the Boks also have one other vital ingredient that England lacks.  A rushing defence and vision of the game that can intercept and upset any attack in motion to create points from nothing and turn a game on its head.

So on paper - it all looks good for the Bokke.  But, as this world cup has shown time and again: 'on paper' means nothing when it comes to crunch day.  The South African's main fear must be the easy run that have had thus far in the tournament.  Sure, they embarrassed a scoreless England only a month earlier.  Their toughest match was a firing Tongan side, but from here the run has been relatively easy and even the most fanatical Bok supporter would have to admit that Jake's crew haven't exactly been tested or required to go up the next gear.

England on the other hand has been down to the wire playing finals rugby for weeks now.  In this short but ever so long month, they have suffocated and disposed of Tonga, Samoa, Australia and hosts France through traditional stick it up the jumper rugby that doesn't exactly set the world alight but certainly is effective.  With Wilko back and Robinson's miraculous recovery from his hammy injury the red rose battalion have finally found the soul they've been lacking for years.  Sheridan helps too.  The man is a giant and already the mind games have started with the Springbok camp claiming the thick set one 'doesn't scrum straight.  He goes into the side of the tight-head'.

Sheridan needn't worry because whether he legally or illegally scrummages, C J Van Der Linde will be the poor cousin to the Bromley born behemoth.  And this is where the Springboks could come unstuck.  If England gain parity up front (almost a certainty) and manage to ruffle a few untested Springbok feathers, the wheels could start coming off in the breakdown, the backline and all.  Steyn is young, Os is old, Butch is erratic and Percy doesn't like having his hair messed.  Burger could see red and get red.

Compare this to England.  Vickery, Kay, Robinson and Catt all know about finals rugby.  Wilkinson takes the cool out of cucumber, then freezes it, slips it in his G&T and has it for breakfast.  Ashton's lot: they've been there.  They've done the business and they know what it takes to win when the pressure mounts.

So even if South Africa can be the team to run circles around the Moodys, the Worsleys and the bludgeoning English style of play, the question remains as to whether they have the mental capacity to do so after Jonny has landed yet another field goal in the dying minutes of the 2007 Rugby World Cup final.  If the Boks can do what the French and Wallabies couldn't muster, by getting one over the Northern Hemisphere dark horses in matters of the mind - then John Smit will rightly deserve to hold the Rugby World Cup for 2007 high.  But whether they have the steel?  Time will tell.

So Just How Good Are... South Africa?

The best attacking backline in world rugby? The biggest, fastest back row? A team of world class players?  The smartest coaching team? Unshakeably confident?

The Springboks glide into this weekend's Rugby World Cup final as though they were always supposed to be there. They hardly seemed to break sweat in putting 37 points on the Pumas last Sunday and they're talking as though all they need to do is turn to repeat the 36-0 poll stage drubbing of the poor pommies. "We will inflict the same punishment on them again." said team manager Zola Yeye, "Some people say I am overconfident, but we are playing in the final a team we have already beaten." Yeah, yeah... but does he have a right to be so confident?

Set piece
When rugby journalists sit down at their laptop to write an piece about the Boks, they thumb through the rugby writer's handbook of clichés to South Africa and take the first word off the page: beef. Hell, I've done it myself, keeps editors happy. A front row of Os du Randt, John Smit and CJ van der Linde is effective. OK, so the Argentinian bajada got right under them last weekend, but they're facing bigger men this weekend and it'll be a goods yard shunting contest. South Africa won't be looking to put the scrums down when they feel they can compete. It should be a test of Andy Sheridan's technique and strength holding van der Linde straight, and Os du Randt will grind hard into Phil Vickery to make sure his legs are shot for the loose. In the line-outs, look no further than Vic Matfield; nobody does it better. Makes you feel sad for Ben Kay.

Breakdown
The mother of all match-ups. Ladies' man Juan Smith - 6 year old's haircut and all - flanked by the madness of Schalk Burger. Burger's febrile temperament is a management nightmare; you want him just pumped enough to lay waste to the opposition, but not get sent off. If Argentina can get him pulled when South Africa are up by 20 points, it'll be a lot easier for Mark Regan and Nick Easter to bring the Hulk out in a close match. Technically, the Springbok back row do a great job of getting their heads over the ball quickly, particularly when they're marching forwards. 3 big guys, 2 of whom have excellent handling skills. Helped out regularly with the digging work by the second row and the centres - otherwise underemployed - England will be wanting to keep the ball off the deck and 50/50 situations.

Defence
Pressure defence. Anything round the fringes gets hoovered up by the rear five or Fourie du Preez; how many other sides have been hassled into shifting the ball away from the scrum or ruck when the pass isn't on, only to see Habana snaffle an intercept and streak away? The midfield unit keep it pretty tight and rely on the pace of the back three to catch up with breakaways. SA haven't been particularly impressive when scrambling, but then again, they've established such control on the gain line that they don't need to be.

Half backs
Tale of two halves. Fourie du Preez came into the tournament with the experts in South African rugby rating him higher than Joost and has put that talent on show; Butch James came in with the tag "big but limited", and has applied himself to show a pretty keen tactical brain. Du Preez is a handful behind a pack in control and has to be wrapped up as quickly as possible to stop him making the yards or shifting the ball away to the right point so that the Bokke can keep rolling, he's the creative relish in the meat sandwich. The English back row and Andy Gomarsall will be living in the penalty zone just to close him down, or they'll lose. An oft-repeated statistic (by me) is that Butch James only passed to his centres twice in 60 minutes against the USA. The USA! No one can accuse him of having a wide-ranging brief. Make your tackles, kick the skin off the ball in your own half, find the corners. Thing is, he can do those things very well.

Runners
La unica fruta del amor es la Habana. Or words to that effect. Eddie Jones has altered the Boks' tactics to give the quick man the ball in the pocket behind the pack, then explode through traffic; nobody better at it in world rugby at the moment, not even Jason Robinson. JP Pietersen has the legs on Mark Cueto and Mat Tait. If Jake White and Eddie have shifted tactics slightly to make this a wide game - unlikely, but it would scupper England's preparation - the South African wings are the weapons. Frans Steyn is growing, both physically and into his role as first creator, and slips tackles. Up front, Danie Roussouw picks his way through traffic well and Vic Matfield pops up in the most unlikely places. Athletes all. Fourie du Preez's sniping threat could be the big danger though.

Kicking
Forget the bullshit about England being a bunch of boring territory merchants. The Springboks are the daddies of it. in the pool match, South Africa were on the money every time with their tactical kicks. Butchie for the bombs, the raking touch-finders from halfway, Percy for the place kicks and the clearances, Fourie for the box kicks. And you can't forget Frans for the drop kicks; England and Australia certainly won't.

Bench
Pretty rubbish, to be honest. Ruan Pienaar apart, every position is a poor substitute for the first team. Jake White says that Wickus van Heerden is the same sort of player as Schalk. Same sort, but nowhere near the same quality. The du Pressis brothers are solid but unimpressive. Andre Pretorius has comprehensively screwed the pooch as a replacement in this World Cup, from kicking to bringing his backs into the game. Wynand Olivier? Steak haché.

The Tactics

Command and control. Soak up the English pressure, put them back down in their own 22 and then either snaffle turnover/ interception ball or create a position in the red zone from which you can pressure 3 or 5 points. I know that any number of supposedly serious commentators in serious newspapers are saying that the Bokke are a complete rugby team and that a win for them would be the best thing for rugby, but an objective reviewing of their matches - which I've done - hasn't suggested that they're going to do an England in 1991 and start running the ball in the final. Like England 16 years ago, they've got the firepower out wide - read Rory Underwood for Bryan Habana and be charitable to Jaque Fourie by comparing him with Jeremy Guscott - but are they likely to depend on it? No. It's the boot, then the bosh. And it could well work wonders.

South Africa team for the Final:

Percy Montgomery; JP Pietersen, Jaque Fourie, Francois Steyn, Bryan Habana; Butch James, Fourie du Preez; Os du Randt, John Smit (c), CJ van der Linde; Bakkies Botha, Victor Matfield; Schalk Burger, Juan Smith, Danie Roussouw

Bench: Bismarck du Plessis, Jannie du Plessis, Johannes Muller, Wickus van Heerden, Ruan Pienaar, Andre Pretorius, Wynand Olivier

Rugby World Cup: Payback

As the sun comes up over the Champ de Mars on a hazy Autumn morning, you'd be hard pressed to find the trail of failure on the "hard" side of the World Cup draw. A few white shirts drifting about, sleep-deprived and euphoric, below the Eiffel Tower; a half marathon about to start; a huge inflatable rugby ball with New Zealand emblazoned on the side sitting on the grass in front of the Ecole Militaire like some giant kid has run in for tea and left it there. No real hint of the semi-final crunch that took place 5 miles north last night.

But one side of the draw has been distilled down to a single team: England. The pool stages have come and gone, Australia and New Zealand disposed of. The host nation was locked on to make this a national party for 60 million people. All the recent history pointed to it: Six Nations title, two assured warm-up wins over the old enemy, home advantage, a win over naive New Zealand under their belts. All they needed to do was negotiate a match against a side who only a few weeks back had recorded a big fat zero in Paris. A desperately limited team who were already way out beyond anyone's expectations.

But top-level sport isn't about history, rankings, reputations: it's about the here and now. Forget the pathetic bile dressed up as expert analysis coming from has-beens whose country last won the Cup 20 years ago, 8 years before everyone else went professional and when Mat Tait was 3 months old. Some people just like rugby where one side rolls over and mews softly while the other lot set about them in such dashing style that you don't know whether to look at the scoreboard or award them marks out of 10 for impression.

And some don't. After the French had showed the All Blacks up for being a disjunctive team of individual talent with no settled midfield and no Plan B, they were looking to do the same to England. It's a bit like the old rock, scissors, paper game - Australia were always going to play scissors, and it was just for England to make like a rock. France knew that the All Blacks' effort would be founded on their granite pack, so they wrapped it up. When the cutting edge came out, it wasn't enough and it was too late; the French were able to blunt the effort. Yesterday was much harder to call. In the end, rock met rock and paper met paper. Josh Lewsey's opportunistic try after 1 minute apart, each side read the other's next move perfectly and it came down to a late French lapse and piece of English opportunism to decide matters.

It was some match. Coming back to the article we linked to above, you have to wonder whether some people actually watched it before passing comment. "The whole notion of 'total rugby', in which backs and forwards are interchangable as runners and passers, a style the southern hemisphere countries have been trying to develop, seems to be nonsense." Really? Even if you don't remember the cut-out pass spilled by Phil Vickery, Wilkinson's tackle on Fabien Pelous that forced the big man to leave the field, the cross-kick batted in-field basketball style by Julien Bonnaire, the scything tackle by Thierry Dusautoir on Lewsey, you might remember Simon Shaw pacing 20 metres up the blindside before having the ball stripped in the tackle, Lewis Moody tapping down Beauxis' chip and cutting diagonally to the French 22 before offloading to Danny Hipkiss, Joe Worsley's vital tap on Clerc. For skills, what about Jean-Bap Elissalde's outrageous, no-look, 30 yard reverse pass into the hands of his fly-half? As a display of total rugby, there haven't been many better in this World Cup. And let's face it, any match outside the Cup is of academic interest only.

And as a display of total commitment, a style the northern hemisphere countries have actually developed, it was immense. You can knock it all you want, but the intensity and speed of every play, every collision, every ruck was worthy of a place in the final. No need for high hits or cynical tricks, which would have slowed the game down from a level that both sides wanted to attain.

Every English supporter must be shocked that their team has made it to the final; the players are. How do you explain the turnaround? Let's go back to Captain Kirk.

"England's approach to the World Cup has made a mockery of the meticulous and detailed preparation which teams like the All Blacks and the Wallabies have undertaken. England came into this World Cup with no settled team, virtually no world-class players, poor form, no clear game-plan and, as far and I and most other observers were concerned, no hope. They have shown that none of this matters if you are big and try hard. It is not quite as simple as that, but it is not far wrong."

You missed out the vital ingredient, mate. Being big and trying hard doesn't work. Ask Jerry Collins, who disappeared after folding up under Dusautoir's tackle, or Schalk Burger in the last 20 minutes of the Fiji game. You need balls, big ones. Both teams had them, but England's were bigger in the final analysis. As assistant trainer Jacques Brunel said, "Even if we succeeded in getting back on top fairly quickly [after Lewsey's try], we were holding off afterwards, being too hesitant. That timidity lost us the match. The English just knew how to close out the game better."

France were undeserving losers and England deserving winners. If the scoreboard had ended up 14-9 in the French team's favour, there would have been no whingeing. Jonathan Kaplan got a few things wrong, missed a few forward passes, penalised the wrong man sometimes, but it's all in the bounce of the oval ball; on another day, the decisions would go the other way.

The second semi-final tonight is billed as a mismatch, but who knows? South Africa have flattered to deceive with the ball out wide against Tonga and Fiji and eventually reverted to the steamroller to survive. Not-total rugby, so to speak. The Springboks are confident that they'll win tight games, but seem to be surprised to be in them. Argentina have played and mastered the French, Irish and Scottish when the Six Nations sides took route one; they've got more talent in a tactical game. They play to win for each other. And as England showed last night, when you've been written off and you're just fighting for a bit of pride and the guy beside you, that's a potent recipe for success. Game on.

The Kiwi Column: Get Over It NZ

While Wayne Barnes lounges out the rest of the Rugby World Cup sipping pina coladas on a beach somewhere in New Caledonia (weak attempt at joke in face of ravaged depression), factions of the New Zealand media and a minority of the New Zealand public continue to glower away at the IRB Cronies Club 'robbing' the All Blacks of their rightful march into the semi-finals.

Now let's get this straight.  France was a better team on the night (by two whole points).  Their defence was outstanding and as much as it grates to acknowledge Bernard Laporte had one over Graham Henry in terms of planning, team selection and strategy; I have to admit the bespectacled, soon to be right wing sports minister with the egg shaped head did indeed win the brains trust award over our Ted.

Contrary to popular belief at Fairfax NZ, talkback radio and the smattering of kiwi redneck representation on various websites across the internet, the All Blacks did not lose due to French hands in the ruck, the forward pass, the 28 year old ref (whose dreams of visiting Hobbiton will now never be) or the yellow card.  It went wrong for New Zealand because the men in grey (another hat tip to Bernie - the All Navy/All Black shirt fiasco was a stroke of genius) were out-passioned, outmuscled in the face of rabid French defence and at the end of the day, out thought by Les Bleus.

If the world quarterfinals were played out as a best of three, no doubt the All Blacks would have won a few more than just the one world cup title.  But it isn't a double round robin competition and sad to say for all kiwis, the All Blacks are crap at knock out tournaments.  The main accusation fondly pointed out by many a gloating northerner is that they choke in the big matches.  While I'm not denying they choke - there is another glaring omission from their team game.

World Cups are not won on open, free running rugby.  The finals are low scoring narrow matches that always go down to the wire.  The final scoreboard is usually in favour of the team with the best defence, best discipline and wait for it - the best drop goal specialist.  Pressure is everything and most teams with everything to lose and any semblance of competence will be able to nullify an attack when the chips are down.

One of the big failings in New Zealand's game plan was believing they had the attack to run riot over the French and so therefore would not have to rely on a drop goal at a crucial point of the match.  Looking at New Zealand's drop goal specialist stocks you would have to agree that Ted didn't put much faith in them.  Dan Carter has managed just the one in his All Black career.  Aaron Mauger, although a little more proven in Super 14 with the boot wasn't much use to anyone considering he was on the sideline having a wee blub when McAlister finally decided to take the 50m droppie option, which was A) not that bright but B) would have been a stroke of genius if he had managed to get it over.

Even if the All Blacks had managed to beat France, there was always going to be the boot of Steyn or Contemponi to deal with further down the line.  So for a team that has seen a great era and introduced the likes of rotation policies, offloading perfection, condition programmes, second string sides, strength in depth, Kapa o Pango and Choking to the rugby lexicon, they came undone in the simple matter  when they neglected to add to their collection a person who could bring their drop goal boots to the tournament. 

And to the moaners of NZ society who god forbid will still be whining on like those English football supporters and their Maradona 'hand of god' incident in years to come - some words of advice: cry a river, build a bridge and get over it.  Four more years?  Four more beers more like.  I'm off to get one - after all, there's more to life than the rugger.

France v England: Get the Shotgun, Ma

Just in case anyone had forgotten what France can do with the ball in hand, here's a clip from the Twickenham warm up. A patient build-up with some superb passing between... ah sod it, it's that Chabal bloke raging over your line again. Video nasty.

Forget Crocs: Accessorize like an AB

Fresh off the Cardiff catwalk, this season's hot new accessory in Aotearoa...

Props to our colleagues at Catwalk Queen and the full frontal haka to Alison Kervin who made it all possible: check out her new book, The Wag's Diary, available at all good booksellers etc..

Your Shout: Player of the Year?

The IRB have released their shortlist for Player of the Year. Past winners include Richie McCaw, Cahdah!, Duelling Banjos, Goldenballs, Uncle Fenster and even a Frenchman. But who should take the pickle this year? Make your choice and we'll send the winner a T-shirt. Not sure what size Habana takes though. And if he'd like a smelly old shirt saying 'NEW YORK FU**IN CITY'. Anyway.

Refs You Love to Hate, Part Deux: Rolland Blows IRB for Final, or the Other Way Round

Fresh from his performance on Saturday when he officiated at the England v Australia game, Alain Rolland has been given the André Watson "I Can't Tell My Arse from My Elbow at Scrum Time" Award and, with it, the golden whistle to be blown at the Cup Final.

Cars drove up and down the Champs Elysées, tooting horns. This was totally unrelated to the news, but there is a link: both Paris and Alain Rolland are, in fact, French.

"To be fair, I thought I was standing on the wrong side of the scrum for most of Saturday's match so I'm pretty shocked that I'm reffing the final," said Rolland when informed of the news by journalists, "But I'm sure the IRB know what they're doing."

"Naturellement, on sera ravi de recevoir M. Rolland comme arbitre du Finale du Coupe de Monde," said Bernard Laporte, "Of course, he'll be a great ref. And absolutely beyond reproach due to his nationality when we stuff les Bokke, too. He is a great choice."

No one at the IRB could be reached for comment. Dr Syd Millar was earlier seen Tacking Global Hunger by filling his plate for the second time at one of the excellent buffet lunches laid on in Cap Ferrat by the FFR to discuss referee appointments for the final.

Jonathan Kaplan will ref the England v France semi on Saturday, as Steve Walsh can't keep his hands off pommy fitness coaches. New Zealand's favourite game show host will whistle at the SA v Argentina semi-final on Sunday.

Wayne Barnes will deploy in Iraq with the King's Own Fusiliers, next Monday.