Scrumbag

Saracens use hovercraft to clear the Vicarage Road snow before their Ospreys clash...

It probably says a lot about me, but my favourite moment of the Heineken Cup weekend was a man dressed as a camel riding a hovercraft to clear some snow. Brilliantly the camel driven hovercraft cleared the snow in a jiffy, but I have so many questions about the whole thing.

1) Just who came up with this idea?

2) How did they know it was going to work?

3) Where do you get a hovercraft from at short notice?

4) How did they get it inside Vicarage Road?

5) Why does that camel wear a fez anyway?

If you know the answer to any (ANY!) of those five questions, please, please, please let me know...

Get your grubby hands on the Six Nations trophy...

What's shiny, welsh, has big ears and was recently pawed by Gavin Henson. No, no not Charlotte Church people, it's the Six Nations trophy. And do you know what, you can get your mits on the thing thanks to some nonsense the WRU are up to.

Yes, the Welsh Rugby Union has launched a new online service at www.wru.co.uk where "volunteers providing the existing and potential ‘unsung heroes’ of the game in Wales with all the information they may need to become tomorrow’s referees, coaches, stewards, ground staff or club helpers at all levels of rugby. In a bid to aid volunteer recruitment nationwide, the trophy will embark upon a two month tour throughout the summer giving the opportunity to any of the WRU’s member clubs to apply to host European Rugby’s top piece of silverware."

All clubs need to do to access the glittering prize held aloft by Wales Grand Slam Captain Ryan Jones just a few short weeks ago, is apply within the next 7 days (closing date is 5pm, 11th April 2008) through their club secretaries via an online form found at the volunteer’s section of the WRU’s website. Sounds complicated. It is. Click here for more info. You might need to print it off, scratch your head and give it a couple of reads.

Austin Healy gets whacked in the nuts on Soccer AM...

Poor Austin. His penis region really does take some punishment here, as he's put in some kind of stocks for being a tit on Soccer AM. But look as his face as the pain kicks in... it almost looks like he's enjoying it.

Genuinely hilarious...

Danny Cipriani is really f*cking sorry for f*cking up and f*cking saying f*ck on the BBC...

The problem live TV has compared to Scr*mbag is you can't get away with saying f*ck simply by f*cking sticking a f*cking * where the u should be. Which is why when new golden boy Danny Cupriani said f*ck d*ring Sat*rday's Six Nations coverage, many posh people spl*ttered their tea every f*cking where. They were f*rio*s.

But Danny is sorry. Have yo* got it in yo*r heart to forgive him? He did afterall drop seven goals out of seven attempts to record 18 points on his first start for England.

If yo* missed Danny's o*tb*rst, in his post-match interview, live on TV, he bl*rted out: “It was the f*cking one to eight who deserved the man of the match.”

Soon after he said: “Can I apologise for swearing on national television? I was too excited after the interview and I am very sorry for using the F-word. I had thought about the game in my head a million times and it was a dream to be there. I used to watch Iain Balshaw when I was 10 years old. Being out there playing with them was an honour for me and I should not have sworn afterwards.” Fucking right you shouldn't have!

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

Big fat hairy man in Wales sums up England's Six Nations woe quite aptly...

"There's nothing happening because your Tongan is not getting the ball." Enough said. Click play for the rest of this very funny and cutting Six Nations summary...

Six Nations Predictions: Wales to go down fighting in Ireland...

Whether you're watching the games in a stadium, in the pub, rugby club or plonked on your sofa... there's some mouth watering action coming our way. Here's my predictions for this weekend's action. Let me know if you think I've got it right, or if I'm (as ever) talking out of my hole...

Ireland v Wales,
Saturday, 08 March 2008, 13:15
No doubt the tie of the weekend. I actually fear that off the field rubbish might scupper the Welsh here. The Gatland Vs O'Sullivan sideshow might distract from the players and Shaun Edwards seems more worried about his English Wasps star Cipriani right now. All that added to the Croke roar, and the Irish actually having a few superb players, it might be too much to handle. I'm sure it'll be extremely close, but I just think Ireland might nick it. Sorry guys.

Scotland v England
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:15
Will Ashton live to regret this Cipriani mess. Against any side but Scotland, I'd probably say yes. But the Scottish really are poor right now. Can't see anything but a dull England win here.

France v Italy
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:00
Expect more French lunacy, but I'm sure no matter how bonkers the team they'll be too much for Italy in France. The question is, will anyone actually care?

So let me know what you think the scores will be...

Scotland hire comedian Franky Boyle to soften the blow of forthcoming England defeat...

Och! Ginger goggle eyed funster Frankie Boyle has been drafted in to cheer up understandably pessimistic Scotland fans for Saturday's Six Nations clash with England with a live comedy show. The extremely funny Frankie, who is best known for his appearances on BBC 2's Mock the Week, will then lead the Murrayfield crowd in a mass karaoke-style singalong. Presumably something like REM's Everybody Hurts.

Setting the mood for a lively match atmosphere, song lyrics will be shown on giant plasma screens to encourage crowd participation, interspersed with stand-up comedy. Scottish band Kilter will also be on hand after the match for a "ceilidh". Entry to the marquee is free and all adult visitors will receive a wee drab of complimentary whiksy and a beanie hat. Och indeed.

Ireland Vs Wales: could the Gatland O'Sullivan hatred spill into the Six Nations' first ever touchline bitch fight?

The brilliant clash between Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan and bonkers Wales gaffer Warren Gatland has all but boiled over today. Gatland was controversially axed as Ireland coach in 2001 and replaced by O'Sullivan, the man he originally appointed as his assistant. Now the two are squaring up like two school boys, but neither will actually say they hate the other.

O'Sullivan says: "It's a game of rugby between Wales and Ireland, we are just the coaches."
O'Sullivan means: "I hate him. Hate him!"

Gatland says: "This weekend is not about me."
Gatland means: "This weekend is about me being better than O'Sullivan."

O'Sullivan says: "I haven't seen him in six-and-a-half years and I spoke to him for about 30 seconds during the Six Nations launch."
O'Sullivan means: "If he wants a fight, let's 'ave it."

Gatland says: "I have been lucky enough to have gone back to Lansdowne Road with Wasps and beaten Munster in the semi-final of the 2005 Heineken Cup. That is all out of my system now."
Gatland means: "I'm so good. I'm so good. O'Sullivan sucks ass."

O'Sullivan says: "My relationship with Warren is fine."
O'Sullivan means: "Ggggrrrr."

Gatland says: "When I left Ireland I had eight job offers in the space of two weeks."
Gatland means: "Even if we were to fight, O'Sullivan could not hurt me because I'm so damned important God would protect my handsome skin with some kind of forcefield."

What has been your favourite Butler and Moore quote of The Six Nations so far?

It hasn't been lost on Scrumbag, or the good people who comment here that Butler and Moore are spiraling out of control on the BBC. Moore is getting so angry I actually fear he might die before the end of the tournament. Especially if the French manage to win another game! Anyway, I'd love to know what has been your favourite (Butler and) Moore moment so far. Here's my top five...

1) Moore roaring "You haaaaalfwit!" during the France game. With French hatred and England dismay combined, there could only be one winner.

2) Moore again. "They've kicked it away again, for God's sake!" in Italy.

3) "You can't have people who are just there for running about, otherwise you just look like Australia." Moore's hatred for the French never fails to amuse.

4) Butler's gentle but effective tutting.

5) "There will be French props in the southwest of France smashing their pastis glassis on each other's heads at the moment." More Moore French hatred.

Austin Healy gets whacked in the nuts on Soccer AM...

Poor Austin. His penis region really does take some punishment here, as he's put in some kind of stocks for being a tit on Soccer AM. But look as his face as the pain kicks in... it almost looks like he's enjoying it.

Genuinely hilarious...

Danny Cipriani is really f*cking sorry for f*cking up and f*cking saying f*ck on the BBC...

The problem live TV has compared to Scr*mbag is you can't get away with saying f*ck simply by f*cking sticking a f*cking * where the u should be. Which is why when new golden boy Danny Cupriani said f*ck d*ring Sat*rday's Six Nations coverage, many posh people spl*ttered their tea every f*cking where. They were f*rio*s.

But Danny is sorry. Have yo* got it in yo*r heart to forgive him? He did afterall drop seven goals out of seven attempts to record 18 points on his first start for England.

If yo* missed Danny's o*tb*rst, in his post-match interview, live on TV, he bl*rted out: “It was the f*cking one to eight who deserved the man of the match.”

Soon after he said: “Can I apologise for swearing on national television? I was too excited after the interview and I am very sorry for using the F-word. I had thought about the game in my head a million times and it was a dream to be there. I used to watch Iain Balshaw when I was 10 years old. Being out there playing with them was an honour for me and I should not have sworn afterwards.” Fucking right you shouldn't have!

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

Big fat hairy man in Wales sums up England's Six Nations woe quite aptly...

"There's nothing happening because your Tongan is not getting the ball." Enough said. Click play for the rest of this very funny and cutting Six Nations summary...

Six Nations Predictions: Wales to go down fighting in Ireland...

Whether you're watching the games in a stadium, in the pub, rugby club or plonked on your sofa... there's some mouth watering action coming our way. Here's my predictions for this weekend's action. Let me know if you think I've got it right, or if I'm (as ever) talking out of my hole...

Ireland v Wales,
Saturday, 08 March 2008, 13:15
No doubt the tie of the weekend. I actually fear that off the field rubbish might scupper the Welsh here. The Gatland Vs O'Sullivan sideshow might distract from the players and Shaun Edwards seems more worried about his English Wasps star Cipriani right now. All that added to the Croke roar, and the Irish actually having a few superb players, it might be too much to handle. I'm sure it'll be extremely close, but I just think Ireland might nick it. Sorry guys.

Scotland v England
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:15
Will Ashton live to regret this Cipriani mess. Against any side but Scotland, I'd probably say yes. But the Scottish really are poor right now. Can't see anything but a dull England win here.

France v Italy
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:00
Expect more French lunacy, but I'm sure no matter how bonkers the team they'll be too much for Italy in France. The question is, will anyone actually care?

So let me know what you think the scores will be...

Scotland hire comedian Franky Boyle to soften the blow of forthcoming England defeat...

Och! Ginger goggle eyed funster Frankie Boyle has been drafted in to cheer up understandably pessimistic Scotland fans for Saturday's Six Nations clash with England with a live comedy show. The extremely funny Frankie, who is best known for his appearances on BBC 2's Mock the Week, will then lead the Murrayfield crowd in a mass karaoke-style singalong. Presumably something like REM's Everybody Hurts.

Setting the mood for a lively match atmosphere, song lyrics will be shown on giant plasma screens to encourage crowd participation, interspersed with stand-up comedy. Scottish band Kilter will also be on hand after the match for a "ceilidh". Entry to the marquee is free and all adult visitors will receive a wee drab of complimentary whiksy and a beanie hat. Och indeed.

Ireland Vs Wales: could the Gatland O'Sullivan hatred spill into the Six Nations' first ever touchline bitch fight?

The brilliant clash between Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan and bonkers Wales gaffer Warren Gatland has all but boiled over today. Gatland was controversially axed as Ireland coach in 2001 and replaced by O'Sullivan, the man he originally appointed as his assistant. Now the two are squaring up like two school boys, but neither will actually say they hate the other.

O'Sullivan says: "It's a game of rugby between Wales and Ireland, we are just the coaches."
O'Sullivan means: "I hate him. Hate him!"

Gatland says: "This weekend is not about me."
Gatland means: "This weekend is about me being better than O'Sullivan."

O'Sullivan says: "I haven't seen him in six-and-a-half years and I spoke to him for about 30 seconds during the Six Nations launch."
O'Sullivan means: "If he wants a fight, let's 'ave it."

Gatland says: "I have been lucky enough to have gone back to Lansdowne Road with Wasps and beaten Munster in the semi-final of the 2005 Heineken Cup. That is all out of my system now."
Gatland means: "I'm so good. I'm so good. O'Sullivan sucks ass."

O'Sullivan says: "My relationship with Warren is fine."
O'Sullivan means: "Ggggrrrr."

Gatland says: "When I left Ireland I had eight job offers in the space of two weeks."
Gatland means: "Even if we were to fight, O'Sullivan could not hurt me because I'm so damned important God would protect my handsome skin with some kind of forcefield."

What has been your favourite Butler and Moore quote of The Six Nations so far?

It hasn't been lost on Scrumbag, or the good people who comment here that Butler and Moore are spiraling out of control on the BBC. Moore is getting so angry I actually fear he might die before the end of the tournament. Especially if the French manage to win another game! Anyway, I'd love to know what has been your favourite (Butler and) Moore moment so far. Here's my top five...

1) Moore roaring "You haaaaalfwit!" during the France game. With French hatred and England dismay combined, there could only be one winner.

2) Moore again. "They've kicked it away again, for God's sake!" in Italy.

3) "You can't have people who are just there for running about, otherwise you just look like Australia." Moore's hatred for the French never fails to amuse.

4) Butler's gentle but effective tutting.

5) "There will be French props in the southwest of France smashing their pastis glassis on each other's heads at the moment." More Moore French hatred.

Are you geeky enough to watch The Six Nations in 3D?

After complaints this week about too much rugby on the beeb, Inverdale and co are fighting back like a haggle of furious geese after your lunch.

To "improve" their Six Nations egg chasery coverage for the masses, they're set to test a 3D HD broadcast of a Six Nations match next month. They've already tried out this technology in the USA with last year's NBA All-Star Game and NBA Finals, all being shown in 3D stateside.

The March 8 game between Scotland and England will be captured by three camera rigs and then transmitted via satellite to an audience (of nerds) watching a big screen with 3D glasses. Sounds ridiculous? It is.

A warning to Wales fans heading out to Ireland for the Six Nations...

This Six Nations clip by S4 I guess, is a must see for any Wales or Ireland fans ahead of their big clash on March 8. Can Wales really get the grand slam?