Scrumbag

Do you REALLY think Martin Johnson is about to sign on the line at the RFU?

After just 89038240932 short meetings at the RFU featuring 23849038 sandwich deliveries from Pret a Manager and just 450 members nodding of at the table, finally it seems they are ready to sort out the absolute mess that is the England manager’s job.

Yes, Brian Ashton will presumably be pulling the little hair he has left out, because our friend the World Cup-winning skipper is believed to have agreed in principle to take the position.

HOWEVER. Every paper, blog and website you read are still using words like "close", "poised", "almost" and "nearly". It's not quite in the bag yet and I'd very much expect things to go pear shaped some time next March when they actually get around to making an announcement.

Watch this space, as we'll let you know the second we hear anything.

Wedding Crasher Olly Barkley gets his date in court

Naughty bloke / exceptional egg chaser Oliver Barkley has just received a date for his trial. Barkley (very allegedly) had a scuffle at a wedding and attacked a Sky Sports TV producer. Presumably it was over their sloppy Heineken Cup coverage.

The 26-year-old Bath fly half, who will transfer to Gloucester this summer, appeared before a crown court judge on Thursday, charged with one count of assault occasioning actual bodily harm.

Apparently "Dressed in a smart black suit, Barkley spoke only to confirm his name, age and address, and to enter a "not guilty" plea." Prosecuter Nigel Ogborne and defence barrister Dean Armstrong agreed to a three-day trial to begin on August 20. Pop it in you're diary if you're into that kind of thing.

All Black Dan Carter teaches Zinedine Zidane how to kick a ball...

He's injured, he's annoying and he's not as good as he used to be, but Dan Carter is still a massive figure in world rugby. Which is why he'll be wanting you to watch this (him pissing around with confused Frenchie Zinedine Zidane) instead of his nasty judo tackle in the Super 14s.

The Kiwi press are gagging for the book to be thrown at Carter after a naughty leg-throw tackle on Hurricanes back Tane Tu'ipulotu.

Carter extended a leg to throw Tu'ipulotu to the ground and paid a heavy price. Reports suggest Carter unleashed a judo chuck to bring Tu'ipulotu down as the Hurricanes mounted pressure. Ironically he snapped his own leg in the process. Owzer! Cue a flash back to happier times with the greatest footballer of a generation to ease the pain...

Strange man dresses as Gavin Henson's daughter, then gets on a bus and starts crying...

While we all know Gavin Henson travels by train (God, it must have been at least a week since we mentioned Henson using a choo-choo as a toilet on Scrumbag) but few knew his young daughter Ruby Henson travels by bus.

Here, a strange Welsh rugby fan (named Leeps) has "dressed as Ruby Henson, AKA Gav's daughter" and got on a bus. Quite why he did this, and then felt the need to tell the world about it via YouTube I really do not know. If anyone can provide answers please, please do...

Guinness Premiership to ban any future Shaun Edwards type people...

He's bald, he comes from rugby league, he's not Welsh, he's got a billion jobs, and he's not that popular amongst certain people. Ladies and gents... Mr Shaun Edwards!

Wasps and Wales fans should soak up the Edwards lovliness, as a beast like him will never be allowed to be created again. The Guinness Premiership clubs have drawn up a rule which will prevent any of their coaches taking a part-time job with a national side. Does this mean Edwards couldn't switch to England then?

Apparently the rule has been drawn up because Premier Rugby felt that, if a club coach were involved with a national team, from age-group side upwards, it would give them a potential advantage over rivals because they would be in a position to tap up players. Yada, yada, yada...

Having won the Grand Slam, could Ospreys do a job for The Lions?

Who needs international teams when you've got Ospreys right? The Swansea club side may only be plonked at number seven in the league, but they've won the Six Nations and The Grand Slam. More than can be said for high flying Leinster! So should these international Ospreys side now be given thee chance to take on the southern hemisphere and tour in the proud red of the Lions?

Unsurprisingly probable Lions boss Wazza Gatland thinks they should. He's claiming a fat 13 Wales players should roar with the Lions, most of them coming from the Ospreys camp. “Out of a British Lions squad of 30 players," croaked the Kiwi, "Wales could expect to have 13 players and possibly more.” I'd actually say more as things stand right now. Hell, why not take the whole 30!

England star Mike Tindall is arrested after going out drinking with The Queen's granddaughter. Hang on, I thought he had a "liver" injury?

Big bad baldy England star Mike Tindall has been nicked for drink-driving the morning after a boozy night out at the Cheltenham Racing Festival with horse faced horse fan Zara Phillips. Whoops.

Thames Valley Police confirmed that they arrested a sozzled 29-year-old Gloucestershire man on the M4 near Newbury in Berkshire at 10.55am on Saturday. The man was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving and bailed. The cops will not confirm reports that it was Tindall, who plays centre for Gloucester, who was arrested.

Tindall as not in the team for England's Six Nations win over the Irish due to an extremely nasty liver injury. Surely if you've got an injured liver you can go out on the piss? Either they've nicked the wrong man, or Tindall has been taking the piss out of his country?

Danny Cipriani is really f*cking sorry for f*cking up and f*cking saying f*ck on the BBC...

The problem live TV has compared to Scr*mbag is you can't get away with saying f*ck simply by f*cking sticking a f*cking * where the u should be. Which is why when new golden boy Danny Cupriani said f*ck d*ring Sat*rday's Six Nations coverage, many posh people spl*ttered their tea every f*cking where. They were f*rio*s.

But Danny is sorry. Have yo* got it in yo*r heart to forgive him? He did afterall drop seven goals out of seven attempts to record 18 points on his first start for England.

If yo* missed Danny's o*tb*rst, in his post-match interview, live on TV, he bl*rted out: “It was the f*cking one to eight who deserved the man of the match.”

Soon after he said: “Can I apologise for swearing on national television? I was too excited after the interview and I am very sorry for using the F-word. I had thought about the game in my head a million times and it was a dream to be there. I used to watch Iain Balshaw when I was 10 years old. Being out there playing with them was an honour for me and I should not have sworn afterwards.” Fucking right you shouldn't have!

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

Danny Cipriani used to date a lingerie model who plays the drums like a gorilla and was once said to have been born a man- should Ashton drop him for it?

First drinking orange juice in a nightclub at midnight and now THIS?

Just as you thought Cirpiani was back on the straight and narrow after "orange juice gate" and "starring on MTV in his pants", this comes out. Apparently Danny used to date a stunning lingerie model Larissa Summers who according to a News of The World exclusive (seemingly a hoax report) used to be a bloke. To make matters worse you can see her playing the drums like a giant ape, which is very embarrassing for 94 year old Sir Brian of Ashton who isn't used to seeing such exciting things.

Oh dear. That's a disgrace! Drop him! Drop! Him! Everyone! Panic! P! A! N! I! C!

All Black Dan Carter teaches Zinedine Zidane how to kick a ball...

He's injured, he's annoying and he's not as good as he used to be, but Dan Carter is still a massive figure in world rugby. Which is why he'll be wanting you to watch this (him pissing around with confused Frenchie Zinedine Zidane) instead of his nasty judo tackle in the Super 14s.

The Kiwi press are gagging for the book to be thrown at Carter after a naughty leg-throw tackle on Hurricanes back Tane Tu'ipulotu.

Carter extended a leg to throw Tu'ipulotu to the ground and paid a heavy price. Reports suggest Carter unleashed a judo chuck to bring Tu'ipulotu down as the Hurricanes mounted pressure. Ironically he snapped his own leg in the process. Owzer! Cue a flash back to happier times with the greatest footballer of a generation to ease the pain...

Strange man dresses as Gavin Henson's daughter, then gets on a bus and starts crying...

While we all know Gavin Henson travels by train (God, it must have been at least a week since we mentioned Henson using a choo-choo as a toilet on Scrumbag) but few knew his young daughter Ruby Henson travels by bus.

Here, a strange Welsh rugby fan (named Leeps) has "dressed as Ruby Henson, AKA Gav's daughter" and got on a bus. Quite why he did this, and then felt the need to tell the world about it via YouTube I really do not know. If anyone can provide answers please, please do...

Guinness Premiership to ban any future Shaun Edwards type people...

He's bald, he comes from rugby league, he's not Welsh, he's got a billion jobs, and he's not that popular amongst certain people. Ladies and gents... Mr Shaun Edwards!

Wasps and Wales fans should soak up the Edwards lovliness, as a beast like him will never be allowed to be created again. The Guinness Premiership clubs have drawn up a rule which will prevent any of their coaches taking a part-time job with a national side. Does this mean Edwards couldn't switch to England then?

Apparently the rule has been drawn up because Premier Rugby felt that, if a club coach were involved with a national team, from age-group side upwards, it would give them a potential advantage over rivals because they would be in a position to tap up players. Yada, yada, yada...

Having won the Grand Slam, could Ospreys do a job for The Lions?

Who needs international teams when you've got Ospreys right? The Swansea club side may only be plonked at number seven in the league, but they've won the Six Nations and The Grand Slam. More than can be said for high flying Leinster! So should these international Ospreys side now be given thee chance to take on the southern hemisphere and tour in the proud red of the Lions?

Unsurprisingly probable Lions boss Wazza Gatland thinks they should. He's claiming a fat 13 Wales players should roar with the Lions, most of them coming from the Ospreys camp. “Out of a British Lions squad of 30 players," croaked the Kiwi, "Wales could expect to have 13 players and possibly more.” I'd actually say more as things stand right now. Hell, why not take the whole 30!

England star Mike Tindall is arrested after going out drinking with The Queen's granddaughter. Hang on, I thought he had a "liver" injury?

Big bad baldy England star Mike Tindall has been nicked for drink-driving the morning after a boozy night out at the Cheltenham Racing Festival with horse faced horse fan Zara Phillips. Whoops.

Thames Valley Police confirmed that they arrested a sozzled 29-year-old Gloucestershire man on the M4 near Newbury in Berkshire at 10.55am on Saturday. The man was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving and bailed. The cops will not confirm reports that it was Tindall, who plays centre for Gloucester, who was arrested.

Tindall as not in the team for England's Six Nations win over the Irish due to an extremely nasty liver injury. Surely if you've got an injured liver you can go out on the piss? Either they've nicked the wrong man, or Tindall has been taking the piss out of his country?

Danny Cipriani is really f*cking sorry for f*cking up and f*cking saying f*ck on the BBC...

The problem live TV has compared to Scr*mbag is you can't get away with saying f*ck simply by f*cking sticking a f*cking * where the u should be. Which is why when new golden boy Danny Cupriani said f*ck d*ring Sat*rday's Six Nations coverage, many posh people spl*ttered their tea every f*cking where. They were f*rio*s.

But Danny is sorry. Have yo* got it in yo*r heart to forgive him? He did afterall drop seven goals out of seven attempts to record 18 points on his first start for England.

If yo* missed Danny's o*tb*rst, in his post-match interview, live on TV, he bl*rted out: “It was the f*cking one to eight who deserved the man of the match.”

Soon after he said: “Can I apologise for swearing on national television? I was too excited after the interview and I am very sorry for using the F-word. I had thought about the game in my head a million times and it was a dream to be there. I used to watch Iain Balshaw when I was 10 years old. Being out there playing with them was an honour for me and I should not have sworn afterwards.” Fucking right you shouldn't have!

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

Danny Cipriani used to date a lingerie model who plays the drums like a gorilla and was once said to have been born a man- should Ashton drop him for it?

First drinking orange juice in a nightclub at midnight and now THIS?

Just as you thought Cirpiani was back on the straight and narrow after "orange juice gate" and "starring on MTV in his pants", this comes out. Apparently Danny used to date a stunning lingerie model Larissa Summers who according to a News of The World exclusive (seemingly a hoax report) used to be a bloke. To make matters worse you can see her playing the drums like a giant ape, which is very embarrassing for 94 year old Sir Brian of Ashton who isn't used to seeing such exciting things.

Oh dear. That's a disgrace! Drop him! Drop! Him! Everyone! Panic! P! A! N! I! C!

Danny Cipriani stars on MTV in his pants - should Ashton drop him for it?

First drinking orange juice in a nightclub at midnight and now THIS? Surely Ashton has to drop him again. No? The Daily Mail have hunted down these embarrassing pictures that could make Danny "a national laughing stock" (you know what they are... like Ashton).

Just as you thought Cirpiani was back on the straight and narrow after "orange juice gate", they've dug up these pics from Danny's past. They're from Cipriani's MTV TV debut when Danny was one of a series of teenage wannabe models who stripped off to strut their stuff on the British version of hit television show My Super Sweet 16. Oh dear. An England star? In his pants? At just 16? That's a disgrace!

Drop him! Drop! Him! Everyone! Panic! P! A! N! I! C!

Calling all bouncers! Cipriani takes Wilkinson's place! Now if you see Danny approaching your nightclub this week, turn him away...

In the past few minutes Scrumbag has learnt that record breaking handsome legend Jonny Wilkinson has been dropped from the England team to face Ireland on Saturday. England's greatest ever points scorer will be replaced at fly-half by night-club fan Danny Cipriani. Seriously this is not a joke... Ashton is that worried about losing his job.

That is the only change made by coach Brian Ashton to the XV which started the 15-9 defeat by Scotland, meaning Balshaw will be grinning from ear to ear right now. Wilkinson replaces Sale's Charlie Hodgson on the replacements bench.

Here's the team in full: I Balshaw (Gloucester); P Sackey (Wasps), J Noon (Newcastle), T Flood (Newcastle), L Vainikolo (Gloucester); D Cipriani (Wasps), R Wigglesworth (Sale Sharks); A Sheridan (Sale Sharks), L Mears (Bath), P Vickery (Wasps. capt), S Shaw (Wasps), S Borthwick (Bath), T Croft (Leicester), M Lipman (Bath), N Easter (Harlequins).
Replacements: G Chuter (Leicester), M Stevens (Bath), B Kay (Leicester), J Haskell (Wasps), P Hodgson (London Irish), J Wilkinson (Newcastle), M Tait (Newcastle).