Scrumbag

Are you gutted that Joe Rokocoko won't be coming to England?

As the Martin Johnson / Brian Ashton mess enters its 20th day, there's little to look forward to in English rugby. Little aside from the visit of the All Blacks in June. I for one was gagging to see Joe Rokocoko, arguably the greatest player in the world, go toe to toe with what will hopefully be Johnson's England.

But alas young Joseph Rokocokococokoko is almost 100% certain to miss out on New Zealand's tests with Ireland and England in June. The poor chap has had to have a little emergency surgery on a wrist knack picked uo during the Auckland Blues' Super 14 defeat to Western Force last month. He'll be out for most of the summer.

"The long-term risks outweigh any option to keep on playing for the short term," he told the BBC earlier. A man of few words there.

Could Fetu'u Vainikolo be the next Lesley Vainikolo?

Vainikolo, he's awesome isn't he. No, no, not England's Les... he's decidedly average, I'm talking about Tongo's Fetu'u Vainikolo. Even his name means "star" in Tongolese. Maybe Brian Ashton should think about forcing an English passport on him before he toodles off to rugby league?

The other Vainikolo winger (who is no relation to the KFC loving Les, but oddly is a cousin of Daniel Halangahu) is causing a storm in New Zealand hemisphere in his first season of Super 14 rugby, despite the fact that his South Islanders are lodged at the bottom of the tournament standings. The 23-year-old was born in the village of Haalalo in Tonga and moved to New Zealand with his family in 1997 when he was twelve. While his namesake simply failed to get hold of the ball in the Six Nations, Fetu'u spent last weekend scoring a dazzling individual try from 60 metres out against the Western Force in Queenstown.

"When you get the ball you've just got to make the most of it because there are games when you hardly get the ball," Vainikolo told Sportal. Hang on? Hardly getting the ball? That sounds like another Vainikolo!

Report suggests The All Blacks will be as bad as Scotland by the year 2015

A new report out today is showing New Zealand rugby is has a big fat ugly future. Apparently Kiwi teenagers are shunning commitment and giving up in the face of discouragement. The report was commissioned by the Wellington provincial rugby union to explain a 10% drop in the number of high school-age players in its region in the past year. Their results weren't pleasant reading for the Kiwi egg chasing public

According to The Sydney Morning Herald, the report chides rugby for failing to understand modern teenagers and criticises star players for their hesitance to interact with young players and to encourage them to remain in the game.

New Zealand rugby has experienced a steady decline in player numbers at both senior and junior levels in recent years. Personally I think it would be an absolute disaster for the entire global game if the All Blacks were ever anything but one of the world's top teams. But I won't panic too much. I'm sure they'll just poach some good players from Fiji or Samoa.

Rugby's "Mankini" row rumbles on, as fans threaten boycott over ban on giant Borat thongs...

Earlier in the week Scrumbag was among the very first people to bring you the startling news that New Zealand's rugby bigwigs have banned fans from wearing Borat style lime green mankinis to rugby matches. I found this quite shocking news, and so I'm not at all surprised that the Kiwi mankini massive are protesting this outrageous ban, and even contemplating boycotting future games.

"The crackdown on skimpy costumes is an insult to everyone that goes to the sevens. This is what the sevens are all about: Rugby and having a good time," wrote "A Maloney" on the forum for All Blacks news, Stuff.co.nz. "As long as the important bits are covered what's the problem," he continued whilst grooming his moustache. "I can legally walk down the street wearing the mankini and I can go to the beach wearing my mankini but I can't go to the sevens wearing my mankini, yet these places are family orientated public places. Get the prude out of the sevens executive".

Eek. So let me know what you think about the Borat ban. Will you be wearing your mankini to the Six Nations?

Further proof Borat mankinis and rugby can mix

Earlier we published outrage that the Kiwi authorities plan to ban Borat style mankinis from rugby matches.

I think now I know why. Here's frankly dazzling footage of a French man taunting the Kiwis in a fine Borat mankini example. It was filmed outside the Millenium stadium just before France Vs All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup Quarter Final.

England to lose to All Blacks in November

Get on the Twickers Ticket Line pronto, as its just been announced that England will play New Zealand in a Test match at Twickenham on November 29.

England's two other opponents in November will be Australia and South Africa, so that'll presumably be three defeats on the spin for 98 year old Brian Ashton's boys.

Oh dear...

Haka hunt: the 1976 All Blacks show how not to boogie

My search to find the world's worst Haka continues. If you and your mates have done a terrible one, let me know and I'll post it up here for the globe to giggle at. In the meantime here's the 1976 All Blacks being really really awful. Its a classic but this is going to take a lot of beating.

Haka hunt: "French female chav tries to dance like an All Black"

This is a new feature for Scrumbag. I'm trying to find the world's worst Haka. If you and your mates have done a terrible one, let me know and I'll post it up here for the globe to giggle at. In the meantime here's some French Asbo lady giving it a go... C'est un haka terrible!

The best rugby on YouTube: "The All Blacks take on some cute little bunny rabbits, and win..."

We painfully trundle through the web for the best rugby video clips, so you don't have to...

All Blacks: Back to the Drawing Board?

Four more years. Four more years of deconstructing what went wrong with the All Black thoroughbreds, shooting the ones who look lame or carting them off to the glue factory of European club rugby.

Although it is often presented as as bad thing by administrators and fans alike, the European club game has been a massive part of the process of bringing through talent in New Zealand. The conveyor belt keeps moving because the old, tired All Blacks drop off the end into a bucket at the end of the World Cup and get carted off north; space is created for age-group prospects to start rolling along the AB production line in time for the next. Let Justin Marshall clog up the Welsh scrum-half factory instead, so that Brendon Leonard can come through in black.

Things look different this time round, though...

Never has there been such an exodus of prime Kiwi flesh, heading overseas to seek new pastures. And now that the shock of another failure is sinking in, the vitriol against players going offshore is rising to the surface. The last time there was such an emotional departure from New Zealand shores, Frodo and Gandalf had jumped aboard and left some smaller, sadder people behind.

The roll-call of senior players leaving New Zealand rugby is vast: Doug Howlett (Munster), Carl Hayman (Newcastle), Chris Jack (Saracens), Anton Oliver (Toulon), Byron Kelleher (Stade Toulousain), Aaron Mauger (Leicester), Luke McAlister (Sale). Rumours persist that Nick Evans could yet find his way to Toulouse; Dan Carter looks set to stay in NZ until he dies.

And then the second string: Rico Gear (Worcester), Sam Tuitupou (Worcester), Marty Holah (Ospreys), Greg Rawlinson (Worcester), Rua Tipoki (Munster), Kevin Senio (Castres), Paul Tito (Cardiff), Dylan Mika (Brive). You can scoff at the players at the end of the list, but these are the names who have been driving provincial rugby in NZ for years; their understudies are going to have to step up at Super 14 and, possibly, Test level.

Perhaps the biggest loss is the youngest. McAlister was neck and neck with Mauger to take the 2nd 5/8 shirt heading into the World Cup, and won selection over the old-stager - all of 26 years of age, incidentally - for his ability to take the ball flat on the gain line and make yards, the perfect foil to Dan Carter's laconic entry into the line. At 23, and with another loss in the knockouts of the World Cup providing the perfect excuse to cut away dead wood, McAlister could have become the central feature of New Zealand's back line over the next four years. Not now. Once you're gone, you don't come back. Commit to the shirt or else.

Assistant coach Steve Hansen said in May: "We all know we can't compete financially and that overseas clubs can offer more money, and that's the cold hard facts of it. But we still have the lure of the black jersey." For some, that shirt has more allure in defeat. Mils Muliaina was visibly distraught at the post-match press grilling. He had been linked with a move to France, but is now staying put in New Zealand for the foreseeable future. That’s some compensation for the NZRU, as his assured positioning under the high ball and clever cuts into the line put him up there with Chris Latham as the world's best full back. Ali Williams has signed up again, but shifted to the South Island. Captain Richie McCaw will be able to count on his back row union of Jerry Collins and Rodney So'oialo to provide some sort of continuity as well, unless Tana Umaga can attract either from the hothouse of New Zealand rugby to the sunny playground of the Côte d’Azur that the All Blacks enjoyed so much over the last month.

As ever, Dan Carter is the prototype for the modern All Black: "I'm keen to hang around and make the most of these next few years. I would not want to be anywhere else but New Zealand." Spoken like a man who is comfortable being a man-god in a country of four million, where everyone knows who you are, what you do, and how you played last week. Wales times 100. But the lure of the black jersey isn't what the NZRU thought it was for most. McAlister's reason for going? "There's rugby, but there's also life outside rugby. It was a hard decision, something I didn't make overnight." It’s not hard to find the flipside of Carter’s reason to stay in McAlister’s reason for going.

Continuity is key. The truth of the matter - through all the feel-good reminders of global ranking by Kiwi supporters, and goading by gleeful northern counterparts - is that New Zealand took on the lessons of preparation and up-front physicality from England’s campaign in 2002 and 2003 and then turbo-charged their tactics in the tackle, at the breakdown and on the counter-attack. Like England, they look to have played their best rugby a year ahead of the Cup; unlike England, they didn’t have the bloody-mindedness to win it. Maybe the neologism about the “top two inches” is right, all the rest is in perfect working order. And two inches are not a lot to work on over four years. Refine your play, concentrate on bringing through brighter, better, battle-hardened versions of Chris Jack, Aaron Mauger, of Byron Kelleher, and spend as many millions as it takes to inure them to the fear of losing, so that they don’t freeze when faced with it.

Too late. Graham Henry will be gone by Christmas, and Robbie Deans or Warren Gatland bringing in a big broom from successful provincial set-ups Canterbury and Waikato. Why? The public aren’t demanding it. Quite the opposite: the name Graham Henry has topped every poll since Saturday asking Kiwis who should be the next All Black coach. Back to the drawing board.

It could be a rocky time next year in the Super 14 and TriNations. The rest of the world has got used to the seamless morphing of an All Black team which seems spoilt for talent. But for with so much depth heading up north, the NZRU will be looking to their 50:50 bets that haven’t paid off so far. For instance, Blues flanker Lome Kaino: another name who came through at the same time as McAlister on the 2004 tour. Heard of him since? Isaia Toeava, Ben Atiga... there’s an iceberg of ability, but the tip is not as sharp as it was six months ago.

Nevertheless, every other top-level coach will be watching eagerly to see the sort of pace that the All Blacks set over the next couple of years. Innovation from desperation. It’s going to be a hell of a ride. I can’t wait for 2011.

Report suggests The All Blacks will be as bad as Scotland by the year 2015

A new report out today is showing New Zealand rugby is has a big fat ugly future. Apparently Kiwi teenagers are shunning commitment and giving up in the face of discouragement. The report was commissioned by the Wellington provincial rugby union to explain a 10% drop in the number of high school-age players in its region in the past year. Their results weren't pleasant reading for the Kiwi egg chasing public

According to The Sydney Morning Herald, the report chides rugby for failing to understand modern teenagers and criticises star players for their hesitance to interact with young players and to encourage them to remain in the game.

New Zealand rugby has experienced a steady decline in player numbers at both senior and junior levels in recent years. Personally I think it would be an absolute disaster for the entire global game if the All Blacks were ever anything but one of the world's top teams. But I won't panic too much. I'm sure they'll just poach some good players from Fiji or Samoa.

Rugby's "Mankini" row rumbles on, as fans threaten boycott over ban on giant Borat thongs...

Earlier in the week Scrumbag was among the very first people to bring you the startling news that New Zealand's rugby bigwigs have banned fans from wearing Borat style lime green mankinis to rugby matches. I found this quite shocking news, and so I'm not at all surprised that the Kiwi mankini massive are protesting this outrageous ban, and even contemplating boycotting future games.

"The crackdown on skimpy costumes is an insult to everyone that goes to the sevens. This is what the sevens are all about: Rugby and having a good time," wrote "A Maloney" on the forum for All Blacks news, Stuff.co.nz. "As long as the important bits are covered what's the problem," he continued whilst grooming his moustache. "I can legally walk down the street wearing the mankini and I can go to the beach wearing my mankini but I can't go to the sevens wearing my mankini, yet these places are family orientated public places. Get the prude out of the sevens executive".

Eek. So let me know what you think about the Borat ban. Will you be wearing your mankini to the Six Nations?

Further proof Borat mankinis and rugby can mix

Earlier we published outrage that the Kiwi authorities plan to ban Borat style mankinis from rugby matches.

I think now I know why. Here's frankly dazzling footage of a French man taunting the Kiwis in a fine Borat mankini example. It was filmed outside the Millenium stadium just before France Vs All Blacks in the Rugby World Cup Quarter Final.

England to lose to All Blacks in November

Get on the Twickers Ticket Line pronto, as its just been announced that England will play New Zealand in a Test match at Twickenham on November 29.

England's two other opponents in November will be Australia and South Africa, so that'll presumably be three defeats on the spin for 98 year old Brian Ashton's boys.

Oh dear...

Haka hunt: the 1976 All Blacks show how not to boogie

My search to find the world's worst Haka continues. If you and your mates have done a terrible one, let me know and I'll post it up here for the globe to giggle at. In the meantime here's the 1976 All Blacks being really really awful. Its a classic but this is going to take a lot of beating.

Haka hunt: "French female chav tries to dance like an All Black"

This is a new feature for Scrumbag. I'm trying to find the world's worst Haka. If you and your mates have done a terrible one, let me know and I'll post it up here for the globe to giggle at. In the meantime here's some French Asbo lady giving it a go... C'est un haka terrible!

The best rugby on YouTube: "The All Blacks take on some cute little bunny rabbits, and win..."

We painfully trundle through the web for the best rugby video clips, so you don't have to...

All Blacks: Back to the Drawing Board?

Four more years. Four more years of deconstructing what went wrong with the All Black thoroughbreds, shooting the ones who look lame or carting them off to the glue factory of European club rugby.

Although it is often presented as as bad thing by administrators and fans alike, the European club game has been a massive part of the process of bringing through talent in New Zealand. The conveyor belt keeps moving because the old, tired All Blacks drop off the end into a bucket at the end of the World Cup and get carted off north; space is created for age-group prospects to start rolling along the AB production line in time for the next. Let Justin Marshall clog up the Welsh scrum-half factory instead, so that Brendon Leonard can come through in black.

Things look different this time round, though...

Never has there been such an exodus of prime Kiwi flesh, heading overseas to seek new pastures. And now that the shock of another failure is sinking in, the vitriol against players going offshore is rising to the surface. The last time there was such an emotional departure from New Zealand shores, Frodo and Gandalf had jumped aboard and left some smaller, sadder people behind.

The roll-call of senior players leaving New Zealand rugby is vast: Doug Howlett (Munster), Carl Hayman (Newcastle), Chris Jack (Saracens), Anton Oliver (Toulon), Byron Kelleher (Stade Toulousain), Aaron Mauger (Leicester), Luke McAlister (Sale). Rumours persist that Nick Evans could yet find his way to Toulouse; Dan Carter looks set to stay in NZ until he dies.

And then the second string: Rico Gear (Worcester), Sam Tuitupou (Worcester), Marty Holah (Ospreys), Greg Rawlinson (Worcester), Rua Tipoki (Munster), Kevin Senio (Castres), Paul Tito (Cardiff), Dylan Mika (Brive). You can scoff at the players at the end of the list, but these are the names who have been driving provincial rugby in NZ for years; their understudies are going to have to step up at Super 14 and, possibly, Test level.

Perhaps the biggest loss is the youngest. McAlister was neck and neck with Mauger to take the 2nd 5/8 shirt heading into the World Cup, and won selection over the old-stager - all of 26 years of age, incidentally - for his ability to take the ball flat on the gain line and make yards, the perfect foil to Dan Carter's laconic entry into the line. At 23, and with another loss in the knockouts of the World Cup providing the perfect excuse to cut away dead wood, McAlister could have become the central feature of New Zealand's back line over the next four years. Not now. Once you're gone, you don't come back. Commit to the shirt or else.

Assistant coach Steve Hansen said in May: "We all know we can't compete financially and that overseas clubs can offer more money, and that's the cold hard facts of it. But we still have the lure of the black jersey." For some, that shirt has more allure in defeat. Mils Muliaina was visibly distraught at the post-match press grilling. He had been linked with a move to France, but is now staying put in New Zealand for the foreseeable future. That’s some compensation for the NZRU, as his assured positioning under the high ball and clever cuts into the line put him up there with Chris Latham as the world's best full back. Ali Williams has signed up again, but shifted to the South Island. Captain Richie McCaw will be able to count on his back row union of Jerry Collins and Rodney So'oialo to provide some sort of continuity as well, unless Tana Umaga can attract either from the hothouse of New Zealand rugby to the sunny playground of the Côte d’Azur that the All Blacks enjoyed so much over the last month.

As ever, Dan Carter is the prototype for the modern All Black: "I'm keen to hang around and make the most of these next few years. I would not want to be anywhere else but New Zealand." Spoken like a man who is comfortable being a man-god in a country of four million, where everyone knows who you are, what you do, and how you played last week. Wales times 100. But the lure of the black jersey isn't what the NZRU thought it was for most. McAlister's reason for going? "There's rugby, but there's also life outside rugby. It was a hard decision, something I didn't make overnight." It’s not hard to find the flipside of Carter’s reason to stay in McAlister’s reason for going.

Continuity is key. The truth of the matter - through all the feel-good reminders of global ranking by Kiwi supporters, and goading by gleeful northern counterparts - is that New Zealand took on the lessons of preparation and up-front physicality from England’s campaign in 2002 and 2003 and then turbo-charged their tactics in the tackle, at the breakdown and on the counter-attack. Like England, they look to have played their best rugby a year ahead of the Cup; unlike England, they didn’t have the bloody-mindedness to win it. Maybe the neologism about the “top two inches” is right, all the rest is in perfect working order. And two inches are not a lot to work on over four years. Refine your play, concentrate on bringing through brighter, better, battle-hardened versions of Chris Jack, Aaron Mauger, of Byron Kelleher, and spend as many millions as it takes to inure them to the fear of losing, so that they don’t freeze when faced with it.

Too late. Graham Henry will be gone by Christmas, and Robbie Deans or Warren Gatland bringing in a big broom from successful provincial set-ups Canterbury and Waikato. Why? The public aren’t demanding it. Quite the opposite: the name Graham Henry has topped every poll since Saturday asking Kiwis who should be the next All Black coach. Back to the drawing board.

It could be a rocky time next year in the Super 14 and TriNations. The rest of the world has got used to the seamless morphing of an All Black team which seems spoilt for talent. But for with so much depth heading up north, the NZRU will be looking to their 50:50 bets that haven’t paid off so far. For instance, Blues flanker Lome Kaino: another name who came through at the same time as McAlister on the 2004 tour. Heard of him since? Isaia Toeava, Ben Atiga... there’s an iceberg of ability, but the tip is not as sharp as it was six months ago.

Nevertheless, every other top-level coach will be watching eagerly to see the sort of pace that the All Blacks set over the next couple of years. Innovation from desperation. It’s going to be a hell of a ride. I can’t wait for 2011.

Tana Umaga: On SpearTackleGate

Just when you thought you had heard everything you need to know about 'that' spear tackle and the doomed Lions tour of 2005; along comes another book, but this time instead of BOD or Sir Clive throwing their toys out of the pram, it is Tana Umaga (Umaga not Oomanga) himself, publishing a diatribe on his version of events (released in NZ today).

Here is the extract of the infamous incident according to the dreadlocked one; plus Tana's apology to the mortally offended BOD and his views on the hapless Lions on and off the field during the 2005 tour.  Make of it what you will (Scrumbag's sure that it will make a lot of you cross).

The Kiwi Column: Attrition Has Nothing To Do With It

It seems the big word every man and his dog is using to blame the poor opening outings of the Northern Hemisphere teams is that of 'attrition'.  According to the Times, the reason England performed so badly was because of the attritional nature of the Guinness Premiership with its machismo style of play on hard surfaces grinding players down to injury and making them shadows of their former selves.  Skim any article about England and that naughty attrition word relentlessly turns up time and time again, winking and teasing at disappointed rugby fans mercilessly, merrily accepting its fate as wrong-doer.

From my part of the world I would use a different word to blame the current Northern Hemisphere misfortunes.  And that word would be money.  With the English clubs too keen on making a quick buck at the gates, they appear a pretty greedy bunch.  Content to haggle with the RFU about player release, it appears both sides have been digging their own graves for some time now.  They buy the best (if somewhat aging) players from the South to bolster their ranks, thus eliminating hopes for the young at grass roots level to come up through the grades.  The result?  They may avoid relegation and get a few more ticket returns at their local ground, but their legacy to the national team is often a bunch of untested, inexperienced (or aging) rugby players that don't know how to think, prepare or keep up with the pace when the big tests are needed.

Ever since the English rugby team started playing like a sack of spuds many die hard rugby fans have proclaimed they would rather support their club team over their national team.  To me this is just case of the fox not getting its grapes.  And probably also a bit of media manipulation.  I defy anyone to say they would rather see the Wasps or Sale win another premiership tournament over the likes of Jonny Wilkinson kicking another drop goal in the dying minutes of a Rugby World Cup final.  For one thing, I don't think the Wasps would pack out Trafalgar Square like the victorious English rugby team did the day they made it back into the country in 2003.

The NZRFU are no saints themselves.   But one thing they have managed to sort out with their provincial clubs is that  central contracting and working together for the good of the national team is good for the union, gate takings and all.  There may be dips and  hiccups along the way, but it is surely about working together instead of working against each other.  The most ironic thing is that the New Zealand Union made a huge loss this year.  None of us will care (the NZRFU included) if it means the All Blacks can bring back Bill.  And no matter how rugby obsessed and one-eyed we may seem to the rest of the world, there are times when I think the sophisticates of the old world could probably learn a thing or two from us mere colonials when it comes to working together to achieve a common goal.