Scrumbag

Could Brian Ashton replace Eddie O'Sullivan in Ireland?

Well Ashton's return to Ireland would be unlikely, but you can't help but hope. As I drop to my knees and pray, here's 10 things to know about Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan written in celebration of today's big Irish news...

1) He's just quit his job due to him being rubbish at it.

2) When he was head coach of Ireland Under-21s, he beat Clive Woodward's England Under-21s.

3) He achieved feck all since that heady day in 1996...

4) Well, aside from three triple crowns.

5) He nicked his job off of his former boss Warren Gatland.

6) The IRFU shouldn't have let him do it due to Gatland being much, much, better than him.

7) He was contracted until 2012, so he should get a payoff big enough to feed him in lobster tails until at least next Xmas.

8) He had it put in his contract that he could temporarily leave Ireland to coach the Lions. Mmmmwah ahah ha hah ha!

9) He hates brilliant Irishman Geordan Murphy, refuses to play him, hence he kept losing.

10) He looks like the unwanted love child of Glenn Hoddle and Neil Warnock.

Having won the Grand Slam, could Ospreys do a job for The Lions?

Who needs international teams when you've got Ospreys right? The Swansea club side may only be plonked at number seven in the league, but they've won the Six Nations and The Grand Slam. More than can be said for high flying Leinster! So should these international Ospreys side now be given thee chance to take on the southern hemisphere and tour in the proud red of the Lions?

Unsurprisingly probable Lions boss Wazza Gatland thinks they should. He's claiming a fat 13 Wales players should roar with the Lions, most of them coming from the Ospreys camp. “Out of a British Lions squad of 30 players," croaked the Kiwi, "Wales could expect to have 13 players and possibly more.” I'd actually say more as things stand right now. Hell, why not take the whole 30!

Danny Cipriani is really f*cking sorry for f*cking up and f*cking saying f*ck on the BBC...

The problem live TV has compared to Scr*mbag is you can't get away with saying f*ck simply by f*cking sticking a f*cking * where the u should be. Which is why when new golden boy Danny Cupriani said f*ck d*ring Sat*rday's Six Nations coverage, many posh people spl*ttered their tea every f*cking where. They were f*rio*s.

But Danny is sorry. Have yo* got it in yo*r heart to forgive him? He did afterall drop seven goals out of seven attempts to record 18 points on his first start for England.

If yo* missed Danny's o*tb*rst, in his post-match interview, live on TV, he bl*rted out: “It was the f*cking one to eight who deserved the man of the match.”

Soon after he said: “Can I apologise for swearing on national television? I was too excited after the interview and I am very sorry for using the F-word. I had thought about the game in my head a million times and it was a dream to be there. I used to watch Iain Balshaw when I was 10 years old. Being out there playing with them was an honour for me and I should not have sworn afterwards.” Fucking right you shouldn't have!

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

As England eye up Ashton's successor, why didn't they hire Jake White in the first place?

Whatever the result today, this time next week Ashton will probably be gone, and blazer boy Jake White will be hot favourite to take over. But why the hell wasn't he appointed after the World Cup? Everybody knew Jake wanted it, and sadly everybody also knew England didn't really want Ashton, however harsh that may have been.

White steered South Africa to World Cup final victory over England last year and has been out of work since as Springbok rugby has fallen into farce without him. I assume White didn't get the job before because the RFU didn't have the balls to hire a foreign coach. Ridiculous considering they're quite accepting of foreign players wearing the white of England!

Having seen how well Wales have done with their foreigner surely now win / lose or mauled by Ireland, England are going to want one of their very own. If they do, the RFU could do a lot worse than talking to White...

Big fat hairy man in Wales sums up England's Six Nations woe quite aptly...

"There's nothing happening because your Tongan is not getting the ball." Enough said. Click play for the rest of this very funny and cutting Six Nations summary...

Six Nations Predictions: Wales to go down fighting in Ireland...

Whether you're watching the games in a stadium, in the pub, rugby club or plonked on your sofa... there's some mouth watering action coming our way. Here's my predictions for this weekend's action. Let me know if you think I've got it right, or if I'm (as ever) talking out of my hole...

Ireland v Wales,
Saturday, 08 March 2008, 13:15
No doubt the tie of the weekend. I actually fear that off the field rubbish might scupper the Welsh here. The Gatland Vs O'Sullivan sideshow might distract from the players and Shaun Edwards seems more worried about his English Wasps star Cipriani right now. All that added to the Croke roar, and the Irish actually having a few superb players, it might be too much to handle. I'm sure it'll be extremely close, but I just think Ireland might nick it. Sorry guys.

Scotland v England
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:15
Will Ashton live to regret this Cipriani mess. Against any side but Scotland, I'd probably say yes. But the Scottish really are poor right now. Can't see anything but a dull England win here.

France v Italy
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:00
Expect more French lunacy, but I'm sure no matter how bonkers the team they'll be too much for Italy in France. The question is, will anyone actually care?

So let me know what you think the scores will be...

Ireland Vs Wales: could the Gatland O'Sullivan hatred spill into the Six Nations' first ever touchline bitch fight?

The brilliant clash between Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan and bonkers Wales gaffer Warren Gatland has all but boiled over today. Gatland was controversially axed as Ireland coach in 2001 and replaced by O'Sullivan, the man he originally appointed as his assistant. Now the two are squaring up like two school boys, but neither will actually say they hate the other.

O'Sullivan says: "It's a game of rugby between Wales and Ireland, we are just the coaches."
O'Sullivan means: "I hate him. Hate him!"

Gatland says: "This weekend is not about me."
Gatland means: "This weekend is about me being better than O'Sullivan."

O'Sullivan says: "I haven't seen him in six-and-a-half years and I spoke to him for about 30 seconds during the Six Nations launch."
O'Sullivan means: "If he wants a fight, let's 'ave it."

Gatland says: "I have been lucky enough to have gone back to Lansdowne Road with Wasps and beaten Munster in the semi-final of the 2005 Heineken Cup. That is all out of my system now."
Gatland means: "I'm so good. I'm so good. O'Sullivan sucks ass."

O'Sullivan says: "My relationship with Warren is fine."
O'Sullivan means: "Ggggrrrr."

Gatland says: "When I left Ireland I had eight job offers in the space of two weeks."
Gatland means: "Even if we were to fight, O'Sullivan could not hurt me because I'm so damned important God would protect my handsome skin with some kind of forcefield."

Warren Gatland picks Wales team by tossing a coin. Is he really that arrogant?

I've blarted (real word) on about it loads on Scrumbag. I have been hugely (HUGELY) impressed by the massive (JUMBO) impact Gatland has had on Wales. However, I've also made no secret about the fact I think he's a bit of an arrogant nut bag. Personally I think his unique brand of lunacy has gone too far today as he's told the world he's picked the Wales team for the Ireland clash by tossing a coin. If this claim is true, I find it both ridiculous and disrespectful to the red shirt of Wales, let alone the green shirt of Ireland.

Apparently Gatland could not decide on fly-half rivals Stephen Jones and James Hook and it was the same with several other positions. So he just tossed for it. Once the coins had landed, Gatland made four changes to the side that destroyed Italy 47-8. Mike Phillips partners Jones at half-back and Alun Wyn-Jones, Huw Bennett plus Adam Jones all also force their way in.

I'd love to hear from Wales fans on what you think about this. Surely it's disrespectful to the glorious red shirt?

What has been your favourite Butler and Moore quote of The Six Nations so far?

It hasn't been lost on Scrumbag, or the good people who comment here that Butler and Moore are spiraling out of control on the BBC. Moore is getting so angry I actually fear he might die before the end of the tournament. Especially if the French manage to win another game! Anyway, I'd love to know what has been your favourite (Butler and) Moore moment so far. Here's my top five...

1) Moore roaring "You haaaaalfwit!" during the France game. With French hatred and England dismay combined, there could only be one winner.

2) Moore again. "They've kicked it away again, for God's sake!" in Italy.

3) "You can't have people who are just there for running about, otherwise you just look like Australia." Moore's hatred for the French never fails to amuse.

4) Butler's gentle but effective tutting.

5) "There will be French props in the southwest of France smashing their pastis glassis on each other's heads at the moment." More Moore French hatred.

Danny Cipriani is really f*cking sorry for f*cking up and f*cking saying f*ck on the BBC...

The problem live TV has compared to Scr*mbag is you can't get away with saying f*ck simply by f*cking sticking a f*cking * where the u should be. Which is why when new golden boy Danny Cupriani said f*ck d*ring Sat*rday's Six Nations coverage, many posh people spl*ttered their tea every f*cking where. They were f*rio*s.

But Danny is sorry. Have yo* got it in yo*r heart to forgive him? He did afterall drop seven goals out of seven attempts to record 18 points on his first start for England.

If yo* missed Danny's o*tb*rst, in his post-match interview, live on TV, he bl*rted out: “It was the f*cking one to eight who deserved the man of the match.”

Soon after he said: “Can I apologise for swearing on national television? I was too excited after the interview and I am very sorry for using the F-word. I had thought about the game in my head a million times and it was a dream to be there. I used to watch Iain Balshaw when I was 10 years old. Being out there playing with them was an honour for me and I should not have sworn afterwards.” Fucking right you shouldn't have!

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

As England eye up Ashton's successor, why didn't they hire Jake White in the first place?

Whatever the result today, this time next week Ashton will probably be gone, and blazer boy Jake White will be hot favourite to take over. But why the hell wasn't he appointed after the World Cup? Everybody knew Jake wanted it, and sadly everybody also knew England didn't really want Ashton, however harsh that may have been.

White steered South Africa to World Cup final victory over England last year and has been out of work since as Springbok rugby has fallen into farce without him. I assume White didn't get the job before because the RFU didn't have the balls to hire a foreign coach. Ridiculous considering they're quite accepting of foreign players wearing the white of England!

Having seen how well Wales have done with their foreigner surely now win / lose or mauled by Ireland, England are going to want one of their very own. If they do, the RFU could do a lot worse than talking to White...

Big fat hairy man in Wales sums up England's Six Nations woe quite aptly...

"There's nothing happening because your Tongan is not getting the ball." Enough said. Click play for the rest of this very funny and cutting Six Nations summary...

Six Nations Predictions: Wales to go down fighting in Ireland...

Whether you're watching the games in a stadium, in the pub, rugby club or plonked on your sofa... there's some mouth watering action coming our way. Here's my predictions for this weekend's action. Let me know if you think I've got it right, or if I'm (as ever) talking out of my hole...

Ireland v Wales,
Saturday, 08 March 2008, 13:15
No doubt the tie of the weekend. I actually fear that off the field rubbish might scupper the Welsh here. The Gatland Vs O'Sullivan sideshow might distract from the players and Shaun Edwards seems more worried about his English Wasps star Cipriani right now. All that added to the Croke roar, and the Irish actually having a few superb players, it might be too much to handle. I'm sure it'll be extremely close, but I just think Ireland might nick it. Sorry guys.

Scotland v England
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:15
Will Ashton live to regret this Cipriani mess. Against any side but Scotland, I'd probably say yes. But the Scottish really are poor right now. Can't see anything but a dull England win here.

France v Italy
Sunday, 09 March 2008, 15:00
Expect more French lunacy, but I'm sure no matter how bonkers the team they'll be too much for Italy in France. The question is, will anyone actually care?

So let me know what you think the scores will be...

Ireland Vs Wales: could the Gatland O'Sullivan hatred spill into the Six Nations' first ever touchline bitch fight?

The brilliant clash between Ireland coach Eddie O'Sullivan and bonkers Wales gaffer Warren Gatland has all but boiled over today. Gatland was controversially axed as Ireland coach in 2001 and replaced by O'Sullivan, the man he originally appointed as his assistant. Now the two are squaring up like two school boys, but neither will actually say they hate the other.

O'Sullivan says: "It's a game of rugby between Wales and Ireland, we are just the coaches."
O'Sullivan means: "I hate him. Hate him!"

Gatland says: "This weekend is not about me."
Gatland means: "This weekend is about me being better than O'Sullivan."

O'Sullivan says: "I haven't seen him in six-and-a-half years and I spoke to him for about 30 seconds during the Six Nations launch."
O'Sullivan means: "If he wants a fight, let's 'ave it."

Gatland says: "I have been lucky enough to have gone back to Lansdowne Road with Wasps and beaten Munster in the semi-final of the 2005 Heineken Cup. That is all out of my system now."
Gatland means: "I'm so good. I'm so good. O'Sullivan sucks ass."

O'Sullivan says: "My relationship with Warren is fine."
O'Sullivan means: "Ggggrrrr."

Gatland says: "When I left Ireland I had eight job offers in the space of two weeks."
Gatland means: "Even if we were to fight, O'Sullivan could not hurt me because I'm so damned important God would protect my handsome skin with some kind of forcefield."

Warren Gatland picks Wales team by tossing a coin. Is he really that arrogant?

I've blarted (real word) on about it loads on Scrumbag. I have been hugely (HUGELY) impressed by the massive (JUMBO) impact Gatland has had on Wales. However, I've also made no secret about the fact I think he's a bit of an arrogant nut bag. Personally I think his unique brand of lunacy has gone too far today as he's told the world he's picked the Wales team for the Ireland clash by tossing a coin. If this claim is true, I find it both ridiculous and disrespectful to the red shirt of Wales, let alone the green shirt of Ireland.

Apparently Gatland could not decide on fly-half rivals Stephen Jones and James Hook and it was the same with several other positions. So he just tossed for it. Once the coins had landed, Gatland made four changes to the side that destroyed Italy 47-8. Mike Phillips partners Jones at half-back and Alun Wyn-Jones, Huw Bennett plus Adam Jones all also force their way in.

I'd love to hear from Wales fans on what you think about this. Surely it's disrespectful to the glorious red shirt?

What has been your favourite Butler and Moore quote of The Six Nations so far?

It hasn't been lost on Scrumbag, or the good people who comment here that Butler and Moore are spiraling out of control on the BBC. Moore is getting so angry I actually fear he might die before the end of the tournament. Especially if the French manage to win another game! Anyway, I'd love to know what has been your favourite (Butler and) Moore moment so far. Here's my top five...

1) Moore roaring "You haaaaalfwit!" during the France game. With French hatred and England dismay combined, there could only be one winner.

2) Moore again. "They've kicked it away again, for God's sake!" in Italy.

3) "You can't have people who are just there for running about, otherwise you just look like Australia." Moore's hatred for the French never fails to amuse.

4) Butler's gentle but effective tutting.

5) "There will be French props in the southwest of France smashing their pastis glassis on each other's heads at the moment." More Moore French hatred.

Is Warren Gatland the new Maggie Thatcher?

If it's one thing you can guarantee in Welsh rugby, it's the hacks at the "Wales on Sunday" newspaper will come up with some barking stories about their nations egg chasery.

This week has been no exception - they've claimed Warren Gatland is the new Maggie Thatcher. Utterly barking, but are they on to something? Well, no, but here's the crux of what they had to say anyhoo...

"Warren Gatland is easily more popular than Margaret Thatcher will ever be in Wales – but he knows he is just a few defeats from dropping as low as her in the popularity stakes. Such is the fickle world of Welsh rugby. Yet, world rugby’s new ‘Iron Man’ could easily adopt the Iron Lady’s famous steal from St Francis of Assisi for his own."

"The difference is that Welsh rugby’s third tough-talking Kiwi appears to have delivered on the faith – and sizeable amount of cash – invested in him. Gatland has certainly brought ‘hope where there was despair’ to a rugby nation on its knees after the World Cup."

He's also, like Thatcher, not likely to be very popular in Ireland when he returns there next week...

Does anyone other than Shaun Edwards want Shaun Edwards as the new Lions coach?

Not content with already having 76 jobs, Shaun Edwards now has his beady eye on the biggest job of the lot... coaching the Lions. Surely with all his Wasps, Wales and TV work he hasn't got the time to coach the Lions too. Please say it's not now become a job you can squeeze in during your lunch break?

On the subject, Edwards has said, “If I don’t go on the Lions tour because I am not good enough, I accept that. If they pick someone else in front of me, I can accept that." Okay, okay, we get it... you accept that.

“But not putting my name in the hat," continues Edwards without spitting out the words "accept" or "that" (though "hat" was close), "by not getting involved would not be acceptable to me.”

Let me know who you think should be Lions gaffer... Edwards? Gatland? White? Bald Clive? Erm, DeVilliers?