Scrumbag

All Black Dan Carter teaches Zinedine Zidane how to kick a ball...

He's injured, he's annoying and he's not as good as he used to be, but Dan Carter is still a massive figure in world rugby. Which is why he'll be wanting you to watch this (him pissing around with confused Frenchie Zinedine Zidane) instead of his nasty judo tackle in the Super 14s.

The Kiwi press are gagging for the book to be thrown at Carter after a naughty leg-throw tackle on Hurricanes back Tane Tu'ipulotu.

Carter extended a leg to throw Tu'ipulotu to the ground and paid a heavy price. Reports suggest Carter unleashed a judo chuck to bring Tu'ipulotu down as the Hurricanes mounted pressure. Ironically he snapped his own leg in the process. Owzer! Cue a flash back to happier times with the greatest footballer of a generation to ease the pain...

Six Nations hero Mike Phillips out for the long haul with niggling knee knack...

Ospreys scrumhalf Mike Phillips was piggin' splendid in the Six Nations as he helped both his club and country win the Grand Slam. For my money he was without doubt one of the players of the tournament. Bad news then for Wales and 'spreys fans, as Phillips knee is buggered. He messed it to shreds during Ospreys' EDF Energy Cup mauling of Saracens last weekend.

"After his operation he'll be looking at a six month rehabilitation period, which means that hopefully we'll be seeing him back in action by October," Ospreys physiotherapist Chris Towers told the offical Osprey website.

There's all kinds of damage to the ligaments in his right knee, he's going to need (kneed?) a truck load of surgery and won't be returning for at very very least six months.

England star Mike Tindall is arrested after going out drinking with The Queen's granddaughter. Hang on, I thought he had a "liver" injury?

Big bad baldy England star Mike Tindall has been nicked for drink-driving the morning after a boozy night out at the Cheltenham Racing Festival with horse faced horse fan Zara Phillips. Whoops.

Thames Valley Police confirmed that they arrested a sozzled 29-year-old Gloucestershire man on the M4 near Newbury in Berkshire at 10.55am on Saturday. The man was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving and bailed. The cops will not confirm reports that it was Tindall, who plays centre for Gloucester, who was arrested.

Tindall as not in the team for England's Six Nations win over the Irish due to an extremely nasty liver injury. Surely if you've got an injured liver you can go out on the piss? Either they've nicked the wrong man, or Tindall has been taking the piss out of his country?

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

Did Brian Ashton's England stars survive the weekend?

It was a busy domestic weekend for 289 year old Brian Ashton's England stars. Here's how the England players who played shaped up injury wise...

Lee Mears - ALIVE!
Played the whole 80 minutes for Bath at Bristol yesterday.

Matt Stevens - ALIVE!
Lasted the full 80 minutes with Bath's other two props picking up knocks.

Steve Borthwick - ALIVE!
A very quiet afternoon - he barely got muddy.

Michael Lipman - WOUNDED!
Got his face smashed in, but he doesn't need that to play international rugby.

Tom Croft - BLEEDING EYE!
Tom got a nasty cut eye in the first half against Leeds

Nick Easter - KNEE KNACK!
The Quins star went down clutching his right knee in the first half against Gloucester but was influential even on one leg.

Danny Care - ALIVE!
Danny took care.

Iain Balshaw - ALIVE!
He even clocked up a try.

Lesley Vainikolo - ALIVE!
Some would say it'd be better if he had of got injured but...

Luke Narraway - CRAMP!
He'll live...

James Simpson-Daniel - ALIVE!
Reports have it the newbie played brilliantly too.

Wilkinson Vs Cipriani - at last we get to see who is better...

After what seems like centuries of bickering about who should play for England - Wilko or Cipriani - at last they genuinely go head to head tonight.

Under the floodlights, the Guinness Premiership clash between Newcastle Falcons and London Wasps at Kingston Park is going to be fantastic. All eyes will be on who takes control Falcon Wilko or Waspriani. Presumably both will get injured and neither will be available for England on March 8.

Cipriani claims he's more than happy in the shadows right now. Honest. "I watch Jonny training," he's harped recently, "commentating on what's happening, the way he calls the moves, his organisation of players around him. We talk after training, during kicking practice, at the hotel. I want to learn from his experience. He was once in the position I'm in now, a young player trying to break into the national side.”

It'll be interesting to see just how hard the pair are pushing to out do each other tonight...

Ireland prop Simon Best retires due to heart problems...

Irish bloke Simon Best has announced his retirement from professional rugby. The monster Ulster prop has decided to end his career due to "medical reasons", AKA a dicky ticker. He was taken ill during the Rugby World Cup after suffering an episode of irregular heart rhythm.

Though Best hasn't suffered any long-term effects, an IRFU statement released this afternoon said doctors had advised against him resuming the intense levels of training and playing required for professional rugby. Scrumbag wishes Besty well, all the best, for the future...

Was James Haskell lucky not to do an Eduardo?

It seems Haskell was lucky not to have his leg pulverized in a foul fashion on Saturday, and The Sun have revealed James feared he had suffered an "Eduardo" after the Arsenal striker had his leg shattered only hours earlier.

The 17 stone Wasps star was forced off in the first half of Saturday’s game against France after falling awkwardly when tackling Les Bleus hooker Dimitri Swarzewski. “I had all the weight on one foot, and the ankle got caught beneath me, and then the guy fell on top of me," he whelped afterwards. "I have never broken anything during a game. But I have to admit I thought I had this time. My knee went one way, and my upper half went the other. When I looked down, I thought I might have an injury like Eduardo, and that some bone might be sticking out of my sock. I was mightily relieved, to be honest.”

Young Leicester nipper Tom Croft is now favourite to replace Haskell after impressing as his replacement in Paris.

If everyone in Stockport buys Mosquito spray surely England will win The Six Nations...

As predicted the return of giant Honey Monster Andy Sheridan made a huge difference for England against the cheese eating surrender sanges. And now the people of Stockport can help guarantee that big Sheri's available for the rest of the tournament.

Andy of course plays in the icy Manc town for Sale, but just one bite from a Stockport mosquito could rule him out for months (mozzies are oddly his nememis - like Superman and kyrponite). If every one in the town were to buy a can of mosquito spray and squirt it into the air, surely every midge, mozzie and fly with a mile of Sheridan will die.

The 6ft 4in monster prop has been sent to hospital three times in the past seven months — by two bug bites and a cut. A mosquito put him out of the World Cup warm- up against France last summer. Another beast got him during the tournament. No more!

Good news for Scots: MacLeod has been cleared of taking banned asthma medicine. Bad news for Scots: your team's so bad even asthmatics can make the side!

When Jock lock Scott MacLeod failed a doping test, few people would have expected it would have been for him suckling on an inhaler. But today MacLeod has been retrospectively cleared of failing a doping test after taking a banned asthma medicine without permission. What's more worrying however, is the fact he's seemingly asthmatic. Surely someone with asthma is going to struggle to play first class rugby?

"I'm not a cheat and I'm pleased that the panel accepted that I'd used Terbutaline inadvertently," the Scarlets player told the BBC. "Hopefully other players will be a bit more savvy given what's happened to me. I want to put this behind me now and concentrate on the job in hand with the national team."

A statement from the Scottish Rugby Union confirmed: "Asthmatic Scotland lock Scott MacLeod has been cleared by an independent judicial committee to continue to play the game after he was found to have inadvertently taken a prohibited asthma medication without the required permission."

England star Mike Tindall is arrested after going out drinking with The Queen's granddaughter. Hang on, I thought he had a "liver" injury?

Big bad baldy England star Mike Tindall has been nicked for drink-driving the morning after a boozy night out at the Cheltenham Racing Festival with horse faced horse fan Zara Phillips. Whoops.

Thames Valley Police confirmed that they arrested a sozzled 29-year-old Gloucestershire man on the M4 near Newbury in Berkshire at 10.55am on Saturday. The man was arrested on suspicion of drink-driving and bailed. The cops will not confirm reports that it was Tindall, who plays centre for Gloucester, who was arrested.

Tindall as not in the team for England's Six Nations win over the Irish due to an extremely nasty liver injury. Surely if you've got an injured liver you can go out on the piss? Either they've nicked the wrong man, or Tindall has been taking the piss out of his country?

Brian Moore, Will Carling and Ieuan Evans go to the pub to discuss today's huge Six Nations action...

Thanks to Telegraph TV (who knew they did more than papers) for this brilliant preview of today's games. Moore actually seems quite relaxed for once! But what's with all the coffee lads? You're in a pub, you're all retired! Have a Guinness for Christ's sake!

Did Brian Ashton's England stars survive the weekend?

It was a busy domestic weekend for 289 year old Brian Ashton's England stars. Here's how the England players who played shaped up injury wise...

Lee Mears - ALIVE!
Played the whole 80 minutes for Bath at Bristol yesterday.

Matt Stevens - ALIVE!
Lasted the full 80 minutes with Bath's other two props picking up knocks.

Steve Borthwick - ALIVE!
A very quiet afternoon - he barely got muddy.

Michael Lipman - WOUNDED!
Got his face smashed in, but he doesn't need that to play international rugby.

Tom Croft - BLEEDING EYE!
Tom got a nasty cut eye in the first half against Leeds

Nick Easter - KNEE KNACK!
The Quins star went down clutching his right knee in the first half against Gloucester but was influential even on one leg.

Danny Care - ALIVE!
Danny took care.

Iain Balshaw - ALIVE!
He even clocked up a try.

Lesley Vainikolo - ALIVE!
Some would say it'd be better if he had of got injured but...

Luke Narraway - CRAMP!
He'll live...

James Simpson-Daniel - ALIVE!
Reports have it the newbie played brilliantly too.

Wilkinson Vs Cipriani - at last we get to see who is better...

After what seems like centuries of bickering about who should play for England - Wilko or Cipriani - at last they genuinely go head to head tonight.

Under the floodlights, the Guinness Premiership clash between Newcastle Falcons and London Wasps at Kingston Park is going to be fantastic. All eyes will be on who takes control Falcon Wilko or Waspriani. Presumably both will get injured and neither will be available for England on March 8.

Cipriani claims he's more than happy in the shadows right now. Honest. "I watch Jonny training," he's harped recently, "commentating on what's happening, the way he calls the moves, his organisation of players around him. We talk after training, during kicking practice, at the hotel. I want to learn from his experience. He was once in the position I'm in now, a young player trying to break into the national side.”

It'll be interesting to see just how hard the pair are pushing to out do each other tonight...

Ireland prop Simon Best retires due to heart problems...

Irish bloke Simon Best has announced his retirement from professional rugby. The monster Ulster prop has decided to end his career due to "medical reasons", AKA a dicky ticker. He was taken ill during the Rugby World Cup after suffering an episode of irregular heart rhythm.

Though Best hasn't suffered any long-term effects, an IRFU statement released this afternoon said doctors had advised against him resuming the intense levels of training and playing required for professional rugby. Scrumbag wishes Besty well, all the best, for the future...

Was James Haskell lucky not to do an Eduardo?

It seems Haskell was lucky not to have his leg pulverized in a foul fashion on Saturday, and The Sun have revealed James feared he had suffered an "Eduardo" after the Arsenal striker had his leg shattered only hours earlier.

The 17 stone Wasps star was forced off in the first half of Saturday’s game against France after falling awkwardly when tackling Les Bleus hooker Dimitri Swarzewski. “I had all the weight on one foot, and the ankle got caught beneath me, and then the guy fell on top of me," he whelped afterwards. "I have never broken anything during a game. But I have to admit I thought I had this time. My knee went one way, and my upper half went the other. When I looked down, I thought I might have an injury like Eduardo, and that some bone might be sticking out of my sock. I was mightily relieved, to be honest.”

Young Leicester nipper Tom Croft is now favourite to replace Haskell after impressing as his replacement in Paris.

If everyone in Stockport buys Mosquito spray surely England will win The Six Nations...

As predicted the return of giant Honey Monster Andy Sheridan made a huge difference for England against the cheese eating surrender sanges. And now the people of Stockport can help guarantee that big Sheri's available for the rest of the tournament.

Andy of course plays in the icy Manc town for Sale, but just one bite from a Stockport mosquito could rule him out for months (mozzies are oddly his nememis - like Superman and kyrponite). If every one in the town were to buy a can of mosquito spray and squirt it into the air, surely every midge, mozzie and fly with a mile of Sheridan will die.

The 6ft 4in monster prop has been sent to hospital three times in the past seven months — by two bug bites and a cut. A mosquito put him out of the World Cup warm- up against France last summer. Another beast got him during the tournament. No more!

Good news for Scots: MacLeod has been cleared of taking banned asthma medicine. Bad news for Scots: your team's so bad even asthmatics can make the side!

When Jock lock Scott MacLeod failed a doping test, few people would have expected it would have been for him suckling on an inhaler. But today MacLeod has been retrospectively cleared of failing a doping test after taking a banned asthma medicine without permission. What's more worrying however, is the fact he's seemingly asthmatic. Surely someone with asthma is going to struggle to play first class rugby?

"I'm not a cheat and I'm pleased that the panel accepted that I'd used Terbutaline inadvertently," the Scarlets player told the BBC. "Hopefully other players will be a bit more savvy given what's happened to me. I want to put this behind me now and concentrate on the job in hand with the national team."

A statement from the Scottish Rugby Union confirmed: "Asthmatic Scotland lock Scott MacLeod has been cleared by an independent judicial committee to continue to play the game after he was found to have inadvertently taken a prohibited asthma medication without the required permission."

Andy Sheridan has spent a week on a drip to get fit for England. That's HOW IMPORTANT this France game is...

You've got to give credit to Sheridan for this. Whilst most players would just happily accept injury and sit out England's crunch tie with France, Big Andy has said "bollocks" to his injury. He knows just how vital he is going to be against the Frenchies, and just how vital a good performance against them is for the future of English egg chasing.

Hence, the Sale prop, who stands 6ft 4in tall and weighs 19st 7lbs, has been hooked up to an intravenous drip for a week, so he can be given the all-clear to face the French at the Stade de France on Saturday.

The giant has been out with an infection after he picked up a cut to his right heel became rank. "I'm fit and well," Sheridan croaked from beneath his drip. ""I saw an immunologist and all the indications are that I am not likely to keel over at any moment."

For most people "Not likely" isn't the kind of odds that inspires you to go toe to toe with some French monsters. Credit to the man. What a hero for England.

Will Andy Sheridan's return be the difference for England against France?

Sale's BFG Andy Sheridan may look like the Honey Monster, but he's a formidable talent, and has been much missed by England during his remarkaby short spell out. In my opinion his surprise early return to the game could make a colossal difference and cause all kind of pain for a confused French side.

Big Jason Leonard it seems agrees with me. The Prop legend, speaking in The Sun has said there is more to Sheridan's game than sheer muscle, and he's going to make a big difference. "I think he brings a huge amount of confidence to the English scrum," said Leonard, presumably whilst eating a turkey (whole) and wrestling a bear at the same time (he's that hard). "If he’s on form I don’t think there are many tightheads in the world who can cope with him. His power around the field is important because he’s got a high work-rate as well."