Scrumbag

Nasty French OAP Raphael Ibanez rewarded for player stomping with a big fat new Wasps contract...

Having spent his entire career extremely successfully being a "bit of an arse" Wasps hooker Raphael Ibanez has just got to the end of his latest ban for foul play. He was banned after being found guilty of stamping on Simon Easterby of Llanelli Scarlets.

Brilliantly, to celebrate this Wasps have handed him a big fat juicy one-year contract extension. It'll keep the hooker at the High Wycombe club until the end of the 2008-2009 season. All this despite him already being 35?

The niggly former France captain will also combine his playing duties with a coaching role at the Wasps academy. "I still want some action as a player," croaked Raphael in his thick French accent, "but I am very excited about the opportunity to do some coaching. I had some options to consider from the French Rugby Federation but I need to get some coaching experience first."

So are you pleased to see him hanging around for another season, or were you looking forward to seeing the back of him?

If everyone in Stockport buys Mosquito spray surely England will win The Six Nations...

As predicted the return of giant Honey Monster Andy Sheridan made a huge difference for England against the cheese eating surrender sanges. And now the people of Stockport can help guarantee that big Sheri's available for the rest of the tournament.

Andy of course plays in the icy Manc town for Sale, but just one bite from a Stockport mosquito could rule him out for months (mozzies are oddly his nememis - like Superman and kyrponite). If every one in the town were to buy a can of mosquito spray and squirt it into the air, surely every midge, mozzie and fly with a mile of Sheridan will die.

The 6ft 4in monster prop has been sent to hospital three times in the past seven months — by two bug bites and a cut. A mosquito put him out of the World Cup warm- up against France last summer. Another beast got him during the tournament. No more!

England in "players manage not to be injured" shock

The weekend is over and Brian Ashton is no doubt making Scrumbag his first click to find out if any of his players are fit after playing for their clubs.  So, for Brian and for you lovely readers here is the news.

The Newcastle contingent of Flood, Tait and Wilkinson not only managed to beat Saracens but also to avoid pulling, tearing, spraining or splintering any part of their bodies.  Jamie Noon on the other hand didn't play as his leg is a bit twanged.  Unfortunately he looks likely to be fit for England, meaning his mediocre lumbering could be keeping another actual talent out of the jersey this coming Six Nations weekend.

Other news of note is that Shane Geraghty had to leave the field after 30 minutes of London Irish's win over Leicester; a half-hour in which he carved open the Tigers defence almost at will.   No matter, though, as Toby Flood would still play ahead of him - for reasons I am yet to fathom.

Finally, the really bad news is that Iain Balshaw came through unscathed.

The Snapshot: Geordie fans enjoy the warm weather

With temperatures soaring to just above freezing in the north east today, these Newcastle Falcons fans weren't going to miss an oppotunity to top up their tan.  And their team won as well.

Brian Blessed agrees new Leicester Tigers deal

Leicester hooker and Flash Gordon star Brian Blessed has penned a new deal that will keep him at the Tigers for the forseeable future.

Blessed joined the midlands outfit in 2001 after a spell as a galactic warlord and a short contract leading those Jar-Jar Binks people in the new shit Star Wars films. 

“I had a few offers," he bellowed today, "but I didn’t really go out with the intention of shopping myself around. We’ve still got unfinished business in terms of winning trophies and we don’t want to rest on what we did last year. Getting to three finals was great but I think everyone’s still hungry for more trophies."

He then added, "Gordon's aliiiiiiiiiive" for good measure.

The Snapshot: Wasps on the move

6 Nations Shit lookalikes: Russ Abbot & Lawrence Dallaglio

Oh what an atmosphere, Lol loves a party with a happy atmosphere (and drugs),
So let him take you there, and soon you'll be all over a Sunday pa-a-per.

The chief tormentor of Brian Ashton finds his doppelganger in a man who made a comedy career from talking in an unconvincing Scottish accent.

Did the Kevin Keegan feel good factor get to Jonny Wilkinson?

Last week the city of Newcastle was buzzing. Geordies danced the streets happier than the PG Tips Chimps set free in a banana plantation. Why were they so delighted? Well, even the most anti-soccer rugby fan knows that...

But has the Keegan-feel-good-facter (AKA KFGF) got to Jonny Wilks? He seemed all but definite to walk out on Newcastle, but now he's all set to stay. The England fly-half Jonny Wilkinson has pledged his future to the North East club after signing a new two-year deal. The 28-year-old World Cup winner is currently in his 11th season with the Falcons, and has been there pretty much since King Kev last bought happiness to the region.

Newcastle's director of rugby John Fletcher told the BBC earlier, "This is a massive endorsement of where we are going. It's no secret that Jonny has had offers from elsewhere, but this is where he sees his future."

Guinness Premiership Week 2: Gloucester Out Ahead with 2 Win Bonuses

In the shadow of the Rugby World Cup, England's domestic league has kicked off and it's business as usual up at the top.

Gloucester have done in the first fortnight what they signally failed to do throughout last season: get a couple of win bonuses. The first week's demolition of newbies Leeds Carnegie was dominated by the 5 tries taken by convert Les Vainikolo, but the big man ended the match at Saracens in hospital with a badly cricked neck. Glaws led 19-14 at the half and pulled away through a Ryan Lamb interception and Luke Narraway try to lead 33-26 going into the final 15; Sarries scored again and it took a late line-out steal to put ex-England full back Olly Morgan in at the corner and hand Gloucester an away bonus point, 38-31. Props to Dan Scarbrough, who looks to have sustained a lengthy lay-off through a bad leg injury. More time to get his excellent website Rugby Reunited off the ground - support the guy and join up, Scrumbaggers!

Harlequins stuck away Leeds Carnegie at home 39-15 to sit just behind Gloucester at the top of the table with 10 points. Dean Richards has made a big thing of having the smallest squad in the Premiership and being a tight-knit bunch; Stuart Lancaster would probably swap seats with him. Tries came from Jordan Turner-Hall - a definite option for England at inside centre - Simon Keogh, Tom Guest and Chris Malone. Scrumbag was down at Bath a few weeks ago for pre-season and heard mutterings that Andrew Brownsword should never have let the Irish journeyman go, he's worth a lot of points over the season and so it's proving. Quins could challenge for a top-four place if they maintain momentum this season; like Gloucester, international duty won't impact them too much, and then there's only the injury potential of junior tournaments like the European Challenge Cup and the Anglo-Welsh to worry about. You can get 7-2 on Quins to make the playoffs, 25-1 to top the league and 50-1 to win the Grand Final. 25-1 looks like a fair price.

But someone will have to make it past Leicester first, an even taller order once Aaron Mauger arrives to fill the gap left by Daryl Gibson. The Tigers left it late at Welford Road to stick away traditional nemesis Bath, 26-16. Bath are also remarkably unaffected by the World Cup, and their back division looks competitive this time round. But not enough to trouble a weakened Leicester side here; the scores were tied 16-all on 73 minutes, but Andy Goode slotted a cool penalty and Matt Smith went over late on to take the game. Tigers sitting nicely in 3rd place, Bath 4th.

Wasps are always going to be up against it during international tournaments; you can't lose fetcher Tom Rees, hooker Rapha Ibanez, meathead Joe Worsley plus Eoin Reddan, Dan Leo, LBND et al to the World Cup without feeling it. They went to Worcester this week - another team waiting anxiously for the Cup to finish - and came away with a 24-24 draw after leading 16-7 at the half. The Warriors left it late to snatch two points from Dom Feaunati and Kai Horstmann scores. Wasps are now sitting 9th, one place ahead of perpetual table-propper-uppers Worcester. Cecil Duckworth will be wanting more after almost having a stroke again last season.

Last season was an unusual one for Sale and Bristol, who played at Edgeley Park yesterday; the Sharks found themselves on the wrong end of a season-long streak of bad luck and injuries, and Richard Hill's Bristol ended up in the final four, before getting well stuffed by Leicester in the semi-final. It's a more difficult balancing act than ever for Mr Dill this season, with the Heineken Cup looming; it's perfectly possible for Brizz to get knocked out of Europe at their first go in the group stages, then be fighting relegation back to Division One. Still, he's a canny operator, but losing 20-6 to a Sale team still smarting from being beaten 33-12 by Newcastle on the first weekend is the sort of result that won't lend him vaulting optimism. A dull game was brightened only by Charlie Hodgson's soft hands, putting away Ben Foden in the 24th minute. Bristol sit just above Leeds at the bottom; Sale are not impressing in 8th.

Newcastle made the trip to London Irish and came away with a doughnut. Toby Flood had travelled to France after driving last weekend's win, and this match was won by another English prospect at 10, Shane Geraghty, 19-0. With Bob Casey back to guarantee line-out ball, Irish coach Brian Smith was disappointed that his side didn't capitalise on their domination to double their try count and take the bonus point. Irish now sit 7th, Newcastle 6th.

This weekend sees a couple of big match-ups: Wasps welcome Tigers in a repeat of the European Cup final, and Gloucester and Worcester contest the M5 derby at Kingsholm, live on Sky. The Warriors always compete down the road, but Glaws will fancy their chances against Worcester's mix of journeymen and Gloucester discards. Sale go down to the Rec, the Irish get a west country welcome at Bristol, the Falcons welcome London's aristocrats up in the north east and Sarries ride into Leeds looking for an away bonus.

Scrumbag Predictions: wins for Leicester, Gloucester, Bath, Quins, Saracens and Irish

The Kiwi Column: Attrition Has Nothing To Do With It

It seems the big word every man and his dog is using to blame the poor opening outings of the Northern Hemisphere teams is that of 'attrition'.  According to the Times, the reason England performed so badly was because of the attritional nature of the Guinness Premiership with its machismo style of play on hard surfaces grinding players down to injury and making them shadows of their former selves.  Skim any article about England and that naughty attrition word relentlessly turns up time and time again, winking and teasing at disappointed rugby fans mercilessly, merrily accepting its fate as wrong-doer.

From my part of the world I would use a different word to blame the current Northern Hemisphere misfortunes.  And that word would be money.  With the English clubs too keen on making a quick buck at the gates, they appear a pretty greedy bunch.  Content to haggle with the RFU about player release, it appears both sides have been digging their own graves for some time now.  They buy the best (if somewhat aging) players from the South to bolster their ranks, thus eliminating hopes for the young at grass roots level to come up through the grades.  The result?  They may avoid relegation and get a few more ticket returns at their local ground, but their legacy to the national team is often a bunch of untested, inexperienced (or aging) rugby players that don't know how to think, prepare or keep up with the pace when the big tests are needed.

Ever since the English rugby team started playing like a sack of spuds many die hard rugby fans have proclaimed they would rather support their club team over their national team.  To me this is just case of the fox not getting its grapes.  And probably also a bit of media manipulation.  I defy anyone to say they would rather see the Wasps or Sale win another premiership tournament over the likes of Jonny Wilkinson kicking another drop goal in the dying minutes of a Rugby World Cup final.  For one thing, I don't think the Wasps would pack out Trafalgar Square like the victorious English rugby team did the day they made it back into the country in 2003.

The NZRFU are no saints themselves.   But one thing they have managed to sort out with their provincial clubs is that  central contracting and working together for the good of the national team is good for the union, gate takings and all.  There may be dips and  hiccups along the way, but it is surely about working together instead of working against each other.  The most ironic thing is that the New Zealand Union made a huge loss this year.  None of us will care (the NZRFU included) if it means the All Blacks can bring back Bill.  And no matter how rugby obsessed and one-eyed we may seem to the rest of the world, there are times when I think the sophisticates of the old world could probably learn a thing or two from us mere colonials when it comes to working together to achieve a common goal.

England in "players manage not to be injured" shock

The weekend is over and Brian Ashton is no doubt making Scrumbag his first click to find out if any of his players are fit after playing for their clubs.  So, for Brian and for you lovely readers here is the news.

The Newcastle contingent of Flood, Tait and Wilkinson not only managed to beat Saracens but also to avoid pulling, tearing, spraining or splintering any part of their bodies.  Jamie Noon on the other hand didn't play as his leg is a bit twanged.  Unfortunately he looks likely to be fit for England, meaning his mediocre lumbering could be keeping another actual talent out of the jersey this coming Six Nations weekend.

Other news of note is that Shane Geraghty had to leave the field after 30 minutes of London Irish's win over Leicester; a half-hour in which he carved open the Tigers defence almost at will.   No matter, though, as Toby Flood would still play ahead of him - for reasons I am yet to fathom.

Finally, the really bad news is that Iain Balshaw came through unscathed.

The Snapshot: Geordie fans enjoy the warm weather

With temperatures soaring to just above freezing in the north east today, these Newcastle Falcons fans weren't going to miss an oppotunity to top up their tan.  And their team won as well.

Brian Blessed agrees new Leicester Tigers deal

Leicester hooker and Flash Gordon star Brian Blessed has penned a new deal that will keep him at the Tigers for the forseeable future.

Blessed joined the midlands outfit in 2001 after a spell as a galactic warlord and a short contract leading those Jar-Jar Binks people in the new shit Star Wars films. 

“I had a few offers," he bellowed today, "but I didn’t really go out with the intention of shopping myself around. We’ve still got unfinished business in terms of winning trophies and we don’t want to rest on what we did last year. Getting to three finals was great but I think everyone’s still hungry for more trophies."

He then added, "Gordon's aliiiiiiiiiive" for good measure.

The Snapshot: Wasps on the move

6 Nations Shit lookalikes: Russ Abbot & Lawrence Dallaglio

Oh what an atmosphere, Lol loves a party with a happy atmosphere (and drugs),
So let him take you there, and soon you'll be all over a Sunday pa-a-per.

The chief tormentor of Brian Ashton finds his doppelganger in a man who made a comedy career from talking in an unconvincing Scottish accent.

Did the Kevin Keegan feel good factor get to Jonny Wilkinson?

Last week the city of Newcastle was buzzing. Geordies danced the streets happier than the PG Tips Chimps set free in a banana plantation. Why were they so delighted? Well, even the most anti-soccer rugby fan knows that...

But has the Keegan-feel-good-facter (AKA KFGF) got to Jonny Wilks? He seemed all but definite to walk out on Newcastle, but now he's all set to stay. The England fly-half Jonny Wilkinson has pledged his future to the North East club after signing a new two-year deal. The 28-year-old World Cup winner is currently in his 11th season with the Falcons, and has been there pretty much since King Kev last bought happiness to the region.

Newcastle's director of rugby John Fletcher told the BBC earlier, "This is a massive endorsement of where we are going. It's no secret that Jonny has had offers from elsewhere, but this is where he sees his future."

Guinness Premiership Week 2: Gloucester Out Ahead with 2 Win Bonuses

In the shadow of the Rugby World Cup, England's domestic league has kicked off and it's business as usual up at the top.

Gloucester have done in the first fortnight what they signally failed to do throughout last season: get a couple of win bonuses. The first week's demolition of newbies Leeds Carnegie was dominated by the 5 tries taken by convert Les Vainikolo, but the big man ended the match at Saracens in hospital with a badly cricked neck. Glaws led 19-14 at the half and pulled away through a Ryan Lamb interception and Luke Narraway try to lead 33-26 going into the final 15; Sarries scored again and it took a late line-out steal to put ex-England full back Olly Morgan in at the corner and hand Gloucester an away bonus point, 38-31. Props to Dan Scarbrough, who looks to have sustained a lengthy lay-off through a bad leg injury. More time to get his excellent website Rugby Reunited off the ground - support the guy and join up, Scrumbaggers!

Harlequins stuck away Leeds Carnegie at home 39-15 to sit just behind Gloucester at the top of the table with 10 points. Dean Richards has made a big thing of having the smallest squad in the Premiership and being a tight-knit bunch; Stuart Lancaster would probably swap seats with him. Tries came from Jordan Turner-Hall - a definite option for England at inside centre - Simon Keogh, Tom Guest and Chris Malone. Scrumbag was down at Bath a few weeks ago for pre-season and heard mutterings that Andrew Brownsword should never have let the Irish journeyman go, he's worth a lot of points over the season and so it's proving. Quins could challenge for a top-four place if they maintain momentum this season; like Gloucester, international duty won't impact them too much, and then there's only the injury potential of junior tournaments like the European Challenge Cup and the Anglo-Welsh to worry about. You can get 7-2 on Quins to make the playoffs, 25-1 to top the league and 50-1 to win the Grand Final. 25-1 looks like a fair price.

But someone will have to make it past Leicester first, an even taller order once Aaron Mauger arrives to fill the gap left by Daryl Gibson. The Tigers left it late at Welford Road to stick away traditional nemesis Bath, 26-16. Bath are also remarkably unaffected by the World Cup, and their back division looks competitive this time round. But not enough to trouble a weakened Leicester side here; the scores were tied 16-all on 73 minutes, but Andy Goode slotted a cool penalty and Matt Smith went over late on to take the game. Tigers sitting nicely in 3rd place, Bath 4th.

Wasps are always going to be up against it during international tournaments; you can't lose fetcher Tom Rees, hooker Rapha Ibanez, meathead Joe Worsley plus Eoin Reddan, Dan Leo, LBND et al to the World Cup without feeling it. They went to Worcester this week - another team waiting anxiously for the Cup to finish - and came away with a 24-24 draw after leading 16-7 at the half. The Warriors left it late to snatch two points from Dom Feaunati and Kai Horstmann scores. Wasps are now sitting 9th, one place ahead of perpetual table-propper-uppers Worcester. Cecil Duckworth will be wanting more after almost having a stroke again last season.

Last season was an unusual one for Sale and Bristol, who played at Edgeley Park yesterday; the Sharks found themselves on the wrong end of a season-long streak of bad luck and injuries, and Richard Hill's Bristol ended up in the final four, before getting well stuffed by Leicester in the semi-final. It's a more difficult balancing act than ever for Mr Dill this season, with the Heineken Cup looming; it's perfectly possible for Brizz to get knocked out of Europe at their first go in the group stages, then be fighting relegation back to Division One. Still, he's a canny operator, but losing 20-6 to a Sale team still smarting from being beaten 33-12 by Newcastle on the first weekend is the sort of result that won't lend him vaulting optimism. A dull game was brightened only by Charlie Hodgson's soft hands, putting away Ben Foden in the 24th minute. Bristol sit just above Leeds at the bottom; Sale are not impressing in 8th.

Newcastle made the trip to London Irish and came away with a doughnut. Toby Flood had travelled to France after driving last weekend's win, and this match was won by another English prospect at 10, Shane Geraghty, 19-0. With Bob Casey back to guarantee line-out ball, Irish coach Brian Smith was disappointed that his side didn't capitalise on their domination to double their try count and take the bonus point. Irish now sit 7th, Newcastle 6th.

This weekend sees a couple of big match-ups: Wasps welcome Tigers in a repeat of the European Cup final, and Gloucester and Worcester contest the M5 derby at Kingsholm, live on Sky. The Warriors always compete down the road, but Glaws will fancy their chances against Worcester's mix of journeymen and Gloucester discards. Sale go down to the Rec, the Irish get a west country welcome at Bristol, the Falcons welcome London's aristocrats up in the north east and Sarries ride into Leeds looking for an away bonus.

Scrumbag Predictions: wins for Leicester, Gloucester, Bath, Quins, Saracens and Irish

The Kiwi Column: Attrition Has Nothing To Do With It

It seems the big word every man and his dog is using to blame the poor opening outings of the Northern Hemisphere teams is that of 'attrition'.  According to the Times, the reason England performed so badly was because of the attritional nature of the Guinness Premiership with its machismo style of play on hard surfaces grinding players down to injury and making them shadows of their former selves.  Skim any article about England and that naughty attrition word relentlessly turns up time and time again, winking and teasing at disappointed rugby fans mercilessly, merrily accepting its fate as wrong-doer.

From my part of the world I would use a different word to blame the current Northern Hemisphere misfortunes.  And that word would be money.  With the English clubs too keen on making a quick buck at the gates, they appear a pretty greedy bunch.  Content to haggle with the RFU about player release, it appears both sides have been digging their own graves for some time now.  They buy the best (if somewhat aging) players from the South to bolster their ranks, thus eliminating hopes for the young at grass roots level to come up through the grades.  The result?  They may avoid relegation and get a few more ticket returns at their local ground, but their legacy to the national team is often a bunch of untested, inexperienced (or aging) rugby players that don't know how to think, prepare or keep up with the pace when the big tests are needed.

Ever since the English rugby team started playing like a sack of spuds many die hard rugby fans have proclaimed they would rather support their club team over their national team.  To me this is just case of the fox not getting its grapes.  And probably also a bit of media manipulation.  I defy anyone to say they would rather see the Wasps or Sale win another premiership tournament over the likes of Jonny Wilkinson kicking another drop goal in the dying minutes of a Rugby World Cup final.  For one thing, I don't think the Wasps would pack out Trafalgar Square like the victorious English rugby team did the day they made it back into the country in 2003.

The NZRFU are no saints themselves.   But one thing they have managed to sort out with their provincial clubs is that  central contracting and working together for the good of the national team is good for the union, gate takings and all.  There may be dips and  hiccups along the way, but it is surely about working together instead of working against each other.  The most ironic thing is that the New Zealand Union made a huge loss this year.  None of us will care (the NZRFU included) if it means the All Blacks can bring back Bill.  And no matter how rugby obsessed and one-eyed we may seem to the rest of the world, there are times when I think the sophisticates of the old world could probably learn a thing or two from us mere colonials when it comes to working together to achieve a common goal.

Shit Lookalikes: Freddie Mercury v Danny Grewcock

He was just a skinny lad
Never knew no good from bad
But he knew life before he left his nursery
Huh
Left alone with big fat Danny
etc.

It's always the butch ones...

Prima Donna Watch: When the Saints Go Marching Out

Four years is a long time. Back in 2003, Ben Cohen was putting his large frame through small gaps and finding an overdrive gear; in 2007, he's taking his ball and buggering off home because club side Northampton won't make him captain. Scrumbag is scratching its head trying to work out how he ever thought he deserved the armband in the first place.

Make no mistake about it, Cohen is a terrific player; not as multi-talented as he'd probably like to think - witness the pro-celeb charity football match at Old Trafford last year, through on goal and hoofed it over the bar - but as a big footballing winger who gains you yards, he made the perfect book-end with Sean Lamont for club and outside Tindall for country.

So how did it come to this? More than most of the 2003 Cup-winning squad, Cohen has never quite managed to recapture the same sort of form he had as a 24-year-old in a winning team. He was a major factor in bringing the average age of Dad's Army down; most of the rest had the luxury of one last push and then retirement to celebrity dancing, cooking or ice-skating shows. Cohen had to play on and justify the plaudits garnered as part of that team.

Northampton owner, Keith Barwell, isn't everyone's cup of tea but he is a straight talker and a businessman. He realises that when you hire a new head coach, you can't second-guess his decisions. Jim Mallinder has picked Bruce Reihana as his captain for Northampton's season outside the Premiership and might well regard Cohen's flouncing out of the door as a heaven-sent opportunity to clear the decks a little and bring through some academy talent, or at least giving Paul Diggin a regular start.

Just in case you've forgotten what Ben Cohen used to be capable of; here's how to break a line and finish.