Scrumbag

Just when you thought the rules of rugby couldn't get more confusing... in comes "the white card"

I've seen red, yellow, orange, blue and green cards before, and have little idea what most of them do. But now some important bald men in South Africa want to introduce a "white card" into the game.

Apparently, "The white card innovation allows captains to challenge a decision by the referee, who will then refer the matter to the television match official." Sounds bonkers? Well it is.

Each captain may lodge one appeal in each half by showing a white card. Where they keep this white card nobody seems to know. As if that wasn't confusing enough, the rules continue with more lunacy. "If the television match official rules that the referee made a mistake or that the referee overlooked an infringement, the captain will have another one chance to use the white card in that half."

Next week: we'll be introducing the taupe card (wave the taupe card and it cancels the daft action of the white card).

Are you gutted that Joe Rokocoko won't be coming to England?

As the Martin Johnson / Brian Ashton mess enters its 20th day, there's little to look forward to in English rugby. Little aside from the visit of the All Blacks in June. I for one was gagging to see Joe Rokocoko, arguably the greatest player in the world, go toe to toe with what will hopefully be Johnson's England.

But alas young Joseph Rokocokococokoko is almost 100% certain to miss out on New Zealand's tests with Ireland and England in June. The poor chap has had to have a little emergency surgery on a wrist knack picked uo during the Auckland Blues' Super 14 defeat to Western Force last month. He'll be out for most of the summer.

"The long-term risks outweigh any option to keep on playing for the short term," he told the BBC earlier. A man of few words there.

Sir Clive Woodward thinks Lawrence Dallaglio should join the England coaching set up...

After spending the weekend trotting around with a fire on a stick / pissing off Tibetan folk, Sir Clive is pushing his luck once more on this snowy Monday morn. The RFU can't even sack Ashton and appoint Johnson let alone start thinking about further coaching staff. Despite that Britain's baldest knight has spouted in The Sun that he thinks Martin Johnson needs to appoint the likes of Lawrence Dallaglio in his coaching staff.

“What Martin needs is to have people around him with whom he can work with at this level but also relax with and enjoy the job with," said Sir Clive before getting a picture of him and the world cup out of his wallet to remind everyone just how great he is. "For example," he continued, "I would look at Mike Catt, Neil Back and Lawrence Dallaglio for definite because they have immense knowledge as well as experience. When I became head coach of England in 1997 I inherited a few people in my structure. They were quality people but being brutally honest I wouldn’t have chosen them, so they had to go. It was very difficult but I brought in Andy Robinson for example, not only a great coach but also a mate."

Interesting. But if Ashton is being squeezed into some kind of patronizing role within the coaching set up I can't see him wanting to work with the likes of Dallaglio or Catt. Too much water has passed under those particular bridges...

Saracens use hovercraft to clear the Vicarage Road snow before their Ospreys clash...

It probably says a lot about me, but my favourite moment of the Heineken Cup weekend was a man dressed as a camel riding a hovercraft to clear some snow. Brilliantly the camel driven hovercraft cleared the snow in a jiffy, but I have so many questions about the whole thing.

1) Just who came up with this idea?

2) How did they know it was going to work?

3) Where do you get a hovercraft from at short notice?

4) How did they get it inside Vicarage Road?

5) Why does that camel wear a fez anyway?

If you know the answer to any (ANY!) of those five questions, please, please, please let me know...

Snapshot: Dwain Chambers works out playing rugby really hurts...

Ah the poor chap's face. I've said before on Scrumbag, and I'll say it again now... I wish Chambers all the luck in the world with his rugby league career. If it works, he'll be a sensation. It's a big "if" but what's the point in not trying it?

Do you REALLY think Martin Johnson is about to sign on the line at the RFU?

After just 89038240932 short meetings at the RFU featuring 23849038 sandwich deliveries from Pret a Manager and just 450 members nodding of at the table, finally it seems they are ready to sort out the absolute mess that is the England manager’s job.

Yes, Brian Ashton will presumably be pulling the little hair he has left out, because our friend the World Cup-winning skipper is believed to have agreed in principle to take the position.

HOWEVER. Every paper, blog and website you read are still using words like "close", "poised", "almost" and "nearly". It's not quite in the bag yet and I'd very much expect things to go pear shaped some time next March when they actually get around to making an announcement.

Watch this space, as we'll let you know the second we hear anything.

Wedding Crasher Olly Barkley gets his date in court

Naughty bloke / exceptional egg chaser Oliver Barkley has just received a date for his trial. Barkley (very allegedly) had a scuffle at a wedding and attacked a Sky Sports TV producer. Presumably it was over their sloppy Heineken Cup coverage.

The 26-year-old Bath fly half, who will transfer to Gloucester this summer, appeared before a crown court judge on Thursday, charged with one count of assault occasioning actual bodily harm.

Apparently "Dressed in a smart black suit, Barkley spoke only to confirm his name, age and address, and to enter a "not guilty" plea." Prosecuter Nigel Ogborne and defence barrister Dean Armstrong agreed to a three-day trial to begin on August 20. Pop it in you're diary if you're into that kind of thing.

Could Fetu'u Vainikolo be the next Lesley Vainikolo?

Vainikolo, he's awesome isn't he. No, no, not England's Les... he's decidedly average, I'm talking about Tongo's Fetu'u Vainikolo. Even his name means "star" in Tongolese. Maybe Brian Ashton should think about forcing an English passport on him before he toodles off to rugby league?

The other Vainikolo winger (who is no relation to the KFC loving Les, but oddly is a cousin of Daniel Halangahu) is causing a storm in New Zealand hemisphere in his first season of Super 14 rugby, despite the fact that his South Islanders are lodged at the bottom of the tournament standings. The 23-year-old was born in the village of Haalalo in Tonga and moved to New Zealand with his family in 1997 when he was twelve. While his namesake simply failed to get hold of the ball in the Six Nations, Fetu'u spent last weekend scoring a dazzling individual try from 60 metres out against the Western Force in Queenstown.

"When you get the ball you've just got to make the most of it because there are games when you hardly get the ball," Vainikolo told Sportal. Hang on? Hardly getting the ball? That sounds like another Vainikolo!

Strange man dresses as Gavin Henson's daughter, then gets on a bus and starts crying...

While we all know Gavin Henson travels by train (God, it must have been at least a week since we mentioned Henson using a choo-choo as a toilet on Scrumbag) but few knew his young daughter Ruby Henson travels by bus.

Here, a strange Welsh rugby fan (named Leeps) has "dressed as Ruby Henson, AKA Gav's daughter" and got on a bus. Quite why he did this, and then felt the need to tell the world about it via YouTube I really do not know. If anyone can provide answers please, please do...

Guinness Premiership to ban any future Shaun Edwards type people...

He's bald, he comes from rugby league, he's not Welsh, he's got a billion jobs, and he's not that popular amongst certain people. Ladies and gents... Mr Shaun Edwards!

Wasps and Wales fans should soak up the Edwards lovliness, as a beast like him will never be allowed to be created again. The Guinness Premiership clubs have drawn up a rule which will prevent any of their coaches taking a part-time job with a national side. Does this mean Edwards couldn't switch to England then?

Apparently the rule has been drawn up because Premier Rugby felt that, if a club coach were involved with a national team, from age-group side upwards, it would give them a potential advantage over rivals because they would be in a position to tap up players. Yada, yada, yada...

Sir Clive Woodward thinks Lawrence Dallaglio should join the England coaching set up...

After spending the weekend trotting around with a fire on a stick / pissing off Tibetan folk, Sir Clive is pushing his luck once more on this snowy Monday morn. The RFU can't even sack Ashton and appoint Johnson let alone start thinking about further coaching staff. Despite that Britain's baldest knight has spouted in The Sun that he thinks Martin Johnson needs to appoint the likes of Lawrence Dallaglio in his coaching staff.

“What Martin needs is to have people around him with whom he can work with at this level but also relax with and enjoy the job with," said Sir Clive before getting a picture of him and the world cup out of his wallet to remind everyone just how great he is. "For example," he continued, "I would look at Mike Catt, Neil Back and Lawrence Dallaglio for definite because they have immense knowledge as well as experience. When I became head coach of England in 1997 I inherited a few people in my structure. They were quality people but being brutally honest I wouldn’t have chosen them, so they had to go. It was very difficult but I brought in Andy Robinson for example, not only a great coach but also a mate."

Interesting. But if Ashton is being squeezed into some kind of patronizing role within the coaching set up I can't see him wanting to work with the likes of Dallaglio or Catt. Too much water has passed under those particular bridges...

Saracens use hovercraft to clear the Vicarage Road snow before their Ospreys clash...

It probably says a lot about me, but my favourite moment of the Heineken Cup weekend was a man dressed as a camel riding a hovercraft to clear some snow. Brilliantly the camel driven hovercraft cleared the snow in a jiffy, but I have so many questions about the whole thing.

1) Just who came up with this idea?

2) How did they know it was going to work?

3) Where do you get a hovercraft from at short notice?

4) How did they get it inside Vicarage Road?

5) Why does that camel wear a fez anyway?

If you know the answer to any (ANY!) of those five questions, please, please, please let me know...

Snapshot: Dwain Chambers works out playing rugby really hurts...

Ah the poor chap's face. I've said before on Scrumbag, and I'll say it again now... I wish Chambers all the luck in the world with his rugby league career. If it works, he'll be a sensation. It's a big "if" but what's the point in not trying it?

Do you REALLY think Martin Johnson is about to sign on the line at the RFU?

After just 89038240932 short meetings at the RFU featuring 23849038 sandwich deliveries from Pret a Manager and just 450 members nodding of at the table, finally it seems they are ready to sort out the absolute mess that is the England manager’s job.

Yes, Brian Ashton will presumably be pulling the little hair he has left out, because our friend the World Cup-winning skipper is believed to have agreed in principle to take the position.

HOWEVER. Every paper, blog and website you read are still using words like "close", "poised", "almost" and "nearly". It's not quite in the bag yet and I'd very much expect things to go pear shaped some time next March when they actually get around to making an announcement.

Watch this space, as we'll let you know the second we hear anything.

Wedding Crasher Olly Barkley gets his date in court

Naughty bloke / exceptional egg chaser Oliver Barkley has just received a date for his trial. Barkley (very allegedly) had a scuffle at a wedding and attacked a Sky Sports TV producer. Presumably it was over their sloppy Heineken Cup coverage.

The 26-year-old Bath fly half, who will transfer to Gloucester this summer, appeared before a crown court judge on Thursday, charged with one count of assault occasioning actual bodily harm.

Apparently "Dressed in a smart black suit, Barkley spoke only to confirm his name, age and address, and to enter a "not guilty" plea." Prosecuter Nigel Ogborne and defence barrister Dean Armstrong agreed to a three-day trial to begin on August 20. Pop it in you're diary if you're into that kind of thing.

Could Fetu'u Vainikolo be the next Lesley Vainikolo?

Vainikolo, he's awesome isn't he. No, no, not England's Les... he's decidedly average, I'm talking about Tongo's Fetu'u Vainikolo. Even his name means "star" in Tongolese. Maybe Brian Ashton should think about forcing an English passport on him before he toodles off to rugby league?

The other Vainikolo winger (who is no relation to the KFC loving Les, but oddly is a cousin of Daniel Halangahu) is causing a storm in New Zealand hemisphere in his first season of Super 14 rugby, despite the fact that his South Islanders are lodged at the bottom of the tournament standings. The 23-year-old was born in the village of Haalalo in Tonga and moved to New Zealand with his family in 1997 when he was twelve. While his namesake simply failed to get hold of the ball in the Six Nations, Fetu'u spent last weekend scoring a dazzling individual try from 60 metres out against the Western Force in Queenstown.

"When you get the ball you've just got to make the most of it because there are games when you hardly get the ball," Vainikolo told Sportal. Hang on? Hardly getting the ball? That sounds like another Vainikolo!

Strange man dresses as Gavin Henson's daughter, then gets on a bus and starts crying...

While we all know Gavin Henson travels by train (God, it must have been at least a week since we mentioned Henson using a choo-choo as a toilet on Scrumbag) but few knew his young daughter Ruby Henson travels by bus.

Here, a strange Welsh rugby fan (named Leeps) has "dressed as Ruby Henson, AKA Gav's daughter" and got on a bus. Quite why he did this, and then felt the need to tell the world about it via YouTube I really do not know. If anyone can provide answers please, please do...

Guinness Premiership to ban any future Shaun Edwards type people...

He's bald, he comes from rugby league, he's not Welsh, he's got a billion jobs, and he's not that popular amongst certain people. Ladies and gents... Mr Shaun Edwards!

Wasps and Wales fans should soak up the Edwards lovliness, as a beast like him will never be allowed to be created again. The Guinness Premiership clubs have drawn up a rule which will prevent any of their coaches taking a part-time job with a national side. Does this mean Edwards couldn't switch to England then?

Apparently the rule has been drawn up because Premier Rugby felt that, if a club coach were involved with a national team, from age-group side upwards, it would give them a potential advantage over rivals because they would be in a position to tap up players. Yada, yada, yada...

10 things that happen in an RFU meeting to discuss England's rugby future...

So, the RFU's latest of 128909 meetings to discuss the future of English rugby ended in a conclusion that they should meet more often to have meetings about how they should meet to take over from Ashton. Idiots.

"The Management Board congratulated the England senior team in finishing second in the Six Nations, a significant improvement on previous years," the RFU said in a statement following this latest farcical meeting. Again. Idiots. Here's what I think will go on in their 128910th meeting which is scheduled to start right now...

1) Sandwich based discussions

2) A conclusion that Pret a Manger make the best sandwiches for meetings.

3) A phone call to Pret a Manager

4) (Pictured) Everyone plays Virtua Rugby on the Nintendo Wii as they wait for sarnies to arrive.

5) A discussion to decide who should let the sandwich boy in.

6) A small row about whether a foriegner (Carlos the tea boy) should be allowed to let the sandwich boy in.

7) No conclusion about the use of Carlos to collect the sandwich boy.

8) Brian Ashton voted to let the sandwich boy in due to him being closest to the door and easily pushed around.

9) Sandwiches arrive, everybody eats

10) Nap time, followed by a proposal for further meetings about meetings...

It's Rob Andrew that needs the boot from England, not Brian Ashton...

Actually, I take that back - they both need to go. But (but!) if I had just one boot (see Heather Mills) and could only kick one bottom out of the door, it'd be Andrew's rump that got a taste of leather. For the love of brass bands, why the hell can't that man make a decision. He's a walking, breathing, "let's have another meeting" shambles of a man. The way he failed to make a decision about Ashton's future after the World Cup was joke enough, but delaying a decision for a second time is just a total disgrace.

Reportedly Andrew the green light to talk to Martin Johnson into becoming their new England supremo. So why hasn't that happened then? Why doesn't Ashton get the boot, or be told he's staying. This situation is driving English rugby back to the 70s!

Meanwhile, apparently the old goats at the RFU still want former South Africa boss Jake White — but won't let Andrew dally around appointing him due to him being a foreign. Have they not seen the giant Kiwi from Tongo who runs around in a white shirt? An utter joke, and a mess that will probably end in farce early 2009...

Rant: over.