Scrumbag

Dwain Chambers speaks about his switch to rugby league...

For those in the south, sorry for the focus on league today, but the RFU are still pissing about doing nothing regarding Johnson / Ashton, so Dwain remains the most interesting thing happening to egg shaped balls right now...

Can Dwain Chambers actually catch a rugby ball?

Rumour has it, he's faster than a badger with a firework up his bum, but has butter fingers. Look out Dwain Scrumbag is chucking an egg shaped ball right at you! Click continue reading to see if he managed to catch it...

Hang on! He caught it! He! Caught it! This guy could be the next Les Vainikolo. Now, does anyone know if he likes KFC?

How long until Brian Ashton offers Dwain Chambers an England rugby union call up?

It's controversial, but I oddly quite like it. He can't catch, doesn't know the rules (this is league... who does!) and wasn't aware that Castleford is an actual place... but will quite possibly be playing rugby as early as the weekend. Yes, former Olympic runny man Dwain Chambers will join the Castleford Tigers on a one month trial with a view to joining Super League permanently. If all goes well, perhaps even if it goes badly, Chambers can probably expect Brian Ashton begging him to switch sports (again!) some time soon.

The Tigers are currently bottom of the standings with one win and eight defeats to their name so far this season, but it is hoped Chambers' arrival could help boost the squad. I wish him well, and hope he can make a go of it, when everyone thinks he can't. (Oddly that applies to both Ashton and Chambers.)

Could Fetu'u Vainikolo be the next Lesley Vainikolo?

Vainikolo, he's awesome isn't he. No, no, not England's Les... he's decidedly average, I'm talking about Tongo's Fetu'u Vainikolo. Even his name means "star" in Tongolese. Maybe Brian Ashton should think about forcing an English passport on him before he toodles off to rugby league?

The other Vainikolo winger (who is no relation to the KFC loving Les, but oddly is a cousin of Daniel Halangahu) is causing a storm in New Zealand hemisphere in his first season of Super 14 rugby, despite the fact that his South Islanders are lodged at the bottom of the tournament standings. The 23-year-old was born in the village of Haalalo in Tonga and moved to New Zealand with his family in 1997 when he was twelve. While his namesake simply failed to get hold of the ball in the Six Nations, Fetu'u spent last weekend scoring a dazzling individual try from 60 metres out against the Western Force in Queenstown.

"When you get the ball you've just got to make the most of it because there are games when you hardly get the ball," Vainikolo told Sportal. Hang on? Hardly getting the ball? That sounds like another Vainikolo!

Six Nations hero Mike Phillips out for the long haul with niggling knee knack...

Ospreys scrumhalf Mike Phillips was piggin' splendid in the Six Nations as he helped both his club and country win the Grand Slam. For my money he was without doubt one of the players of the tournament. Bad news then for Wales and 'spreys fans, as Phillips knee is buggered. He messed it to shreds during Ospreys' EDF Energy Cup mauling of Saracens last weekend.

"After his operation he'll be looking at a six month rehabilitation period, which means that hopefully we'll be seeing him back in action by October," Ospreys physiotherapist Chris Towers told the offical Osprey website.

There's all kinds of damage to the ligaments in his right knee, he's going to need (kneed?) a truck load of surgery and won't be returning for at very very least six months.

Strange man dresses as Gavin Henson's daughter, then gets on a bus and starts crying...

While we all know Gavin Henson travels by train (God, it must have been at least a week since we mentioned Henson using a choo-choo as a toilet on Scrumbag) but few knew his young daughter Ruby Henson travels by bus.

Here, a strange Welsh rugby fan (named Leeps) has "dressed as Ruby Henson, AKA Gav's daughter" and got on a bus. Quite why he did this, and then felt the need to tell the world about it via YouTube I really do not know. If anyone can provide answers please, please do...

Guinness Premiership to ban any future Shaun Edwards type people...

He's bald, he comes from rugby league, he's not Welsh, he's got a billion jobs, and he's not that popular amongst certain people. Ladies and gents... Mr Shaun Edwards!

Wasps and Wales fans should soak up the Edwards lovliness, as a beast like him will never be allowed to be created again. The Guinness Premiership clubs have drawn up a rule which will prevent any of their coaches taking a part-time job with a national side. Does this mean Edwards couldn't switch to England then?

Apparently the rule has been drawn up because Premier Rugby felt that, if a club coach were involved with a national team, from age-group side upwards, it would give them a potential advantage over rivals because they would be in a position to tap up players. Yada, yada, yada...

10 things that happen in an RFU meeting to discuss England's rugby future...

So, the RFU's latest of 128909 meetings to discuss the future of English rugby ended in a conclusion that they should meet more often to have meetings about how they should meet to take over from Ashton. Idiots.

"The Management Board congratulated the England senior team in finishing second in the Six Nations, a significant improvement on previous years," the RFU said in a statement following this latest farcical meeting. Again. Idiots. Here's what I think will go on in their 128910th meeting which is scheduled to start right now...

1) Sandwich based discussions

2) A conclusion that Pret a Manger make the best sandwiches for meetings.

3) A phone call to Pret a Manager

4) (Pictured) Everyone plays Virtua Rugby on the Nintendo Wii as they wait for sarnies to arrive.

5) A discussion to decide who should let the sandwich boy in.

6) A small row about whether a foriegner (Carlos the tea boy) should be allowed to let the sandwich boy in.

7) No conclusion about the use of Carlos to collect the sandwich boy.

8) Brian Ashton voted to let the sandwich boy in due to him being closest to the door and easily pushed around.

9) Sandwiches arrive, everybody eats

10) Nap time, followed by a proposal for further meetings about meetings...

It's Rob Andrew that needs the boot from England, not Brian Ashton...

Actually, I take that back - they both need to go. But (but!) if I had just one boot (see Heather Mills) and could only kick one bottom out of the door, it'd be Andrew's rump that got a taste of leather. For the love of brass bands, why the hell can't that man make a decision. He's a walking, breathing, "let's have another meeting" shambles of a man. The way he failed to make a decision about Ashton's future after the World Cup was joke enough, but delaying a decision for a second time is just a total disgrace.

Reportedly Andrew the green light to talk to Martin Johnson into becoming their new England supremo. So why hasn't that happened then? Why doesn't Ashton get the boot, or be told he's staying. This situation is driving English rugby back to the 70s!

Meanwhile, apparently the old goats at the RFU still want former South Africa boss Jake White — but won't let Andrew dally around appointing him due to him being a foreign. Have they not seen the giant Kiwi from Tongo who runs around in a white shirt? An utter joke, and a mess that will probably end in farce early 2009...

Rant: over.

Lawrence Dallaglio cited for the very first time, mere seconds from ending his squeaky clean career...

You've seen the movie. An elderly cop is about to collect his gold watch... but then a prostitute or something is murdered. He decides to find the killer... one last case before hanging up his badge and retiring. Inevitably there's a car chase, and the old copper has a face off with the murderer on a deserted pier. Mere seconds from retiring he gets shot, and his plucky young partner takes down the crook, before watching his old buddy splutter blood and die in his arms. Well minus the guns, pier, and murderers the same thing has just happened to old goat Lozza D.

The ex England legend and current Wasps skipper has been cited for the first time in his 18-year club career, just a hair's breath from retiring with a record more squeaky clean than Joe Pasquale's bottom. Why, how, when, where? Well it's for an alleged punch on Leicester prop Julian White. The incident is said to have happened during the closing stages of Wasps' loss in the EDF Energy Cup semi-final. If found guilty, Dallaglio, who retires from the sport at the end of the season in May, could face a suspension of between two and eight weeks. Not that he'll care if he's retired...