LIVE BLOG: France vs. Wales

Right - how do you top that?  Ireland added another try after our live-blogging got cut short, Isaac Boss scoring his first-ever international try, and Ireland have achieved a record victory over England.  Now, from an entirely biased point of view, I'm hoping Wales can do Ireland a favour tonight, either by beating the French (shyeah, right) or, more likely, by not getting totally pasted.  The press in Wales have been pretty vicious, so here's hoping the men in red do a job just to spite them.

You know, I have a degree in French.  I love their wine, their bread, their cuisine and their work-life balance.  I spent time out there on my year abroad, and found the people to be warm, funny, relaxed and receptive.  But if Gareth Jenkins' men can do a job on them tonight, we'll be back in with a chance of winning the Six Nations.  So, just for tonight, Cymru am byth!

0 mins:  From the opening kick-off, Skrela finds a decent touch.  Wales secure the ball from the line-out.  Stephen Jones, aware of a French infringement, hits an attempted drop goal, and misses.  So he's lining up a conventional pot at goal from out wide.  He nearly finds touch.  Bah!

3 mins:  Ian Gough steals a French line-out, but Wales cannot capitalise, and eventually infringe.  Skrela finds a marvellous touch.  Watch France score from their first attack.

5 mins:  They don't.  Good for you, Wales.

7 mins:  Wales are having a lot of the ball in midfield.  Doing nothing with it for the most part, of course, but one step at a time.  As Wales fail to secure a line-out, a Garryowen is launched, and after some intricate back play Clerc is run into touch.  In your face, Vincent.

10 mins:  French penalty.  I don't know what for, my leg went to sleep and I was busy sorting it out.  Inevitably, Skrela lands it.

***FRANCE 3 WALES 0***

12 mins:  Wales win a line-out down near the French line.  Alix Popham worms over and places the ball down.  Ref Tony Spreadbury consults the TMO because he himself cannot be trusted.  TMO says he can award a try.  And do you know, he does just that!  Stephen Jones lands the extras.  Allez les Rouges!

***FRANCE 3 WALES 7***

15 mins:  Wales steal French line-out ball, and broken play ensues.  Hook charges for the line, and offloads in the tackle to Tom Shanklin, who dashes in unchallenged.  Lawks!  This I didn't expect - can I put it down to my reverse psychology?  Almost certainly not.

***FRANCE 3 WALES 14***

17 mins:  Wales offend at the breakdown, Skrela has a chance for three.  Skrela, as night follows day, lands it to narrow the gap.  Still though, eh?  14-6 Wales.

***FRANCE 6 WALES 14***

21 mins:  Now it's France who are looking aimless in midfield.  Clerc chases his own kick, but fails to grab it and it's a Wales lineout, allowing them to clear their lines.  According to Nick Mullins of the BBC, Wales have been working with the blitz defence this week.  Oh, the blitz, eh?  It depends on forcing mistakes, but leaves holes for the opposition to move into.  I have a scathing denouncement of such a defence saved in Wordpad.

26 mins:  Elvis Vermeulen caught holding on, bringing two minutes of low-level French pressure to a close.  From the penalty Wales turn it right back over to them.  This is going to be a looooooooong evening.

28 mins:  Christophe Dominici sidesteps over from a not-particularly threatening position.  Jonathan Davies keeps calling him "Domin-eechy".  Which isn't his name.  Stop it now, Jonathan.

***FRANCE 13 WALES 14***

31 mins:  Alun Wyn Jones takes out a French jumper.  Which is dangerous, silly and needless, and allows France to escape a tight corner.

33 mins:  After a break from Jauzion, France camp out on the welsh line.  And Nallet finally barrels over.  Skrela... you know the rest.  France were down and Wales have failed to kick them.  They will probably live to regret that.

***FRANCE 20 WALES 14***

37 mins:  Shane Williams catches a hospital pass, and David Marty panels him  good and proper.  Williams fails to release.  Penalty.  Kickable.  The hammer of inevitability smashes us full in the genitals.

***FRANCE 23 WALES 14***

39 mins 50 secs:  Stephen Jones kicks a penalty into touch, and Tony Spreadbury takes sympathy on the Welsh.  Half time, fully ten seconds early.  Wales really need to come out stronger in the second half.  The tackles made stat is informative:  France 21, Wales 57.  Unless they can make a dent in that, Wales are heading for a potential cuillere en bois.  Then again, if they come out and hit France hard, they could still head to Italy two weeks hence with a morale-boosting win under their belts.  If they don't, I'm left in the weird position of cheering for England that weekend.  From a Welsh point of view, though, there must be a lot of worry floating about.  From Grand Slam to possible oblivion in two short years.  Mike Ruddock has to be wondering what he did wrong.

41 mins:  Here we go.  Two years ago, Wales came out after half-time and caught France with their pantalon en bas.  Any chance of a reprise?  Williams, Hook, Shanklin, Hook, Shanklin again ... for the line?  Into touch just short.  Ibanez drives to his own 22, the ball is cleared, and a spot of ping-pong ends with Dwayne Peel clearing into touch.

44 mins:  French advantage.  Skrela essays a drop goal.  He misses.  Penalty anyway.  He doesn't miss.

***FRANCE 26 WALES 14***

45 mins:  Frederic Michalak, where are you now that we need you?

48 mins:  Stephen Jones misses a penalty from halfway.  Who does he think he is?  David Skrela?

50 mins:  France are knocking on the door.  Alun Wyn Jones leaves a window ajar.  Skrela's going for the posts.  I'm going to start posting the score before the kick goes through.  Just to save time.  Say it with me...

***FRANCE 29 WALES 14***

55 mins:  Wales penalty.  James "Captain" Hook taking over from Stephen Jones on kicking duties.  A seamless change as he, too, misses horrendously.  From the restart, Lee Byrne fields it and kicks ahead.  It's so bad it becomes a good box kick.  Then he knocks it on.  France could probably return to the dressing room right now and still win.  Wales are playing without spark, without confidence and without pride.

60 mins:  Did I imagine that passage of play where Wales went eleven points ahead?

62 mins:  Skrela misses a comparatively easy penalty.  Sparks fly from his ears, and a diminutive man in dungarees runs on with a screwdriver to run some repairs.  It works, as he finds a good touch with his next kick.

64 mins:  Mike Phillips replaces Dwayne Peel, in the most fitting representation yet of the phrase "re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic".  A Welsh scrum is torn to bits by the French, who have really taken their foot off the accelerator.  Thomas on to replace Ryan Jones.

68 mins:  Vermeulen off, Harinordoquy on.  "Elvis has left the field", remarks Jonathan Davies mirthlessly.  Grateful for small mercies though - at least he pronounced all the words correctly.

71 mins:  "This is where they're dangerous" according to Jonathan Davies.  France are, at the time, inside their own 22.  Wales get the ball back and threaten an attack, but much in the same way as I threaten to beat up people who mock my hair.  You know they don't really mean it.

75 mins:  Try for Wales.  Huh!  Jamie Robinson with a Boss-esque effort, untouched under the posts.  Jones makes the extras.  Nick Mullins informs us that they are now within a score of tying th game.  What is this eight-point score of which you speak, Nick?

***FRANCE 29 WALES 21***

80 mins:  Beauxis is on, incidentally.  He was on ages ago, but I'd lost the will to live by then.  He pots a simple three-pointer and France have won it by 32 points to 21.  C'mon England!

It was a pretty dire game after half-time.  France had declared, to all intents and purposes, and Wales have pretty much slowed to a stop in terms of global rugby.  I'd definitely back Italy to win in Rome two weeks from now.  That said, if France meet anyone with a bit of fight in them, who knows?  Wales finished within eleven points tonight, and that was with a performance that redefined the term "shocking shower of shirehorse shite".  On this form though, I'd say France for the Grand Slam, Wales for the Wooden Spoon.  If you disagree, I'd be happy to hear from you.  Thanks for joining us this evening, I've enjoyed blogging for you.