Five Ways To Make Rugby Even Better

Rugby's brilliant, isn't it?  It's easy to see why we all love it.  The power and tension of a five-metre scrum.  The exhilaration of a break from midfield, an offload and a dash to the line.  The blind animosity towards people you've never met when their team beats your team in an important game.  It's all there.  But that's no reason at why we can't look into making it even better.  At Scrumbag, we deal with solutions to problems you didn't even know you had.  Which makes us annoying busybodies who stick their oar in where it's not wanted.  In that capacity, I've had a few ideas to make the game we love even more lovable.  They're under the cut.  [Paul Kelly]

1.  The current penalty for dissent sees the offending team marched back ten metres, often making a previously un-kickable penalty worth a shot.  Fair enough.  But players still yap away at the ref when they've been legitimately penalised.  We can all think of such players, though it's classless to name names.  Lawrence Dallaglio.  In order to further cut instances of dissent, the ref should be able to nominate a player from the opposing side to kick Lawrence Dallaglio the offending player in the groin. 

Depending on the severity of the dissent, the nominated player could take a run-up before taking his shot.  The second-row pairing of the non-offending team would be asked to hold Dallaglio the culpable player still.  After a few well-timed boots to the conkers from Dan Carter, even the gobbiest sod would think at least twice before moaning to the ref.

2.  The player who scores a try should be given the responsibility of converting it as well.  This would encourage a more back-oriented game of rugby, as after a few games teams like Munster would realise that, impressive though their pack is, it might be worth throwing the ball around a bit if the sight of Marcus Horan slicing what should be an easy two points into the dugout is to be avoided.

3.  In the knock-out stages of cup competitions, say goodbye to extra time to decide drawn games.  Say hello to Blindfold Sevens!  As well as improving on-field communication as players have to rely on calls from team-mates, this would have the undeniable advantage of sorting the men from the boys, as there would be an exponential increase in collisions with inanimate objects such as goalposts and advertising hoardings.  The "blooper video" market would soar in value overnight.  A slight disadvantage would be the increase in exposure for Matt Dawson, as his "Question of Sport" antics would make him first choice to front the painfully wooden links on such videos.

4.  No more sin-bin.  Instead, offending players must play the rest of the game wearing oven gloves, and must remain on the field for the duration, playing full-back.  You'll see fewer props breaking their bind in the scrum if they have to spend an awkward half-hour trying to field Garryowens while wearing outsized mitts.  For repeated offending, those giant foam fingers you see at US sporting events could be a further sanction.

5.  Twenty-point handicap for Wasps in each game.  No particular reason, I just don't like them.